5 months

Its been almost 6 months since I've written.... I am not sure what to write today.  Computer-less for almost 6 months. Thoughts building up for almost 6 months.  And today, I don't know what to say.

So, to be honest, today I hate adoption.

Today, I hate being a birth mother. I hate the supposed "birth mom bond" that is supposed to unite birth parents.  I hate that I got involved in the adoption community.  Today, I just hate it.  Its been months of feeling so much anger and disgust. Not just for others, but for myself as well.



6 months after placing, LDSFS had set up a plan for updates.  For the first 3 months, I got pictures and letters once a week.  Since I, apparently, lived in the stone age, we communicated by letters, in the mail.  Pictures were printed and sent with the letter.  I had usually 5 or more pictures with each letter. They updated me on how E was doing, and how they were doing.  For three months, I very much needed to know how he was.  I needed that affirmation to keep my head on straight.  I needed to know that my decision was right.  I knew that he would have been in such a toxic atmosphere those first 3 months(had I parented).  But, I still needed to know that he was OK(even if Ii knew he was).  Every letter, every picture, eased so much pain and FEAR.  I SAW the joy in each face in each picture. I saw him being held, cherished, loved, adored, and carefully cared for.  He was perfection, and so were his family.

The next 3 months I received pictures every other week.  With each letter that arrived in the mail, more and more anxieties, fears, and pains were diminishing, many had been extinguished completely.  He was smiling, giggling, chubby, blondie, blue eyed, and the most handsome little boy EVER.  NO BATTLE.  I grew more and more love for his mom and dad, more and more love for his grandmas and grandpas, and for the every growing testament of the peace of where he was. He was home.



I owe SO SO SO SO SO much of my healing, my happiness, and my love for adoption, to his amazing mom and dad.  I was able to heal, to move forward, and grow because of their promises kept, and promises made.  Because they allowed me to know where he was, to know he was OK(with boundaries included) I was able to have peace fill my soul.

I went out with a dear birth mom friend this week.  My heart broke, tears were shed, and anger filled my heart towards people who "owe" so much to her.  I say that and then want to smack myself because they don't owe her.  Adoptive families don't owe us anything.  You don't owe a birth parent anything. We made the choice, we made the plan, we followed through. We chose to sign relinquishment papers, we chose to not be mom.  BUT, in that, we are still a mom, we still love them with every single ounce of our being.

Though you don't owe us "anything", you do owe us something.  By sacrificing every bit of human nature because we love our children.  Because we broke every ounce of mothering instinct to place those babies into the arms of the families that were supposed to be, we truly, TRULY, deserve respect.  I know there are lines, I know every situation is different.  I AM NOT BLIND to the crazy, to the alcoholic, to the mentally incapable, to the drugged... there are situations where you can be respectful but have to have VERY tight and closed boundaries.

What I can say, is that though adoption will not be "them" it will not define them completely, it will be  HUGE part of who they are.  Because of adoption, they have a home, they have a family.  Because of adoption they aren't biologically the same... so that will cause medical situations.  It will be a part of them.  My numerous adopted friends(since before I became a birth parent) say that adoption is a part of them, not defining them, but a part of them.

Adoption, for birth parents, doesn't define us either. It doesn't say what kind of person we are because we became pregnant and chose to place a child for adoption. It doesn't make us sluts, or whores, or druggies, or terrible horrible no good people.  It doesn't make us all crazy, or angry, or ruined.  For many, it helps us find out who we really are.  For many it made us open our eyes to what we REALLY wanted in life.  For many, it was the only way back to Him.

Respect us.  Love us. You can do so with boundaries.  UPDATE your birth families.  Let them know how those littles are doing, how YOU are doing. Let them know they are healthy and happy.  Let them know that they are THRIVING.  Why should you do this?  Because without knowledge, we are left empty.  We are left to question the very thing we chose. We are left in wonder of their health, their bonding, their well being.  Update, because those pictures and letters, even if its a quick text, or short 1 paragraph email, THOSE HEAL.  Those pictures were a CONSTANT reaffirmation of RIGHT.  They were always there to set my aching heart back to peaceful.  I KNEW he was fine, and he was where he was supposed to be.


So... we can even go a step further...

VISITS --

They happen.  Crazy right.  I mean, how can someone "give away" their child and then expect a visit?  No, this is not a like a divorce. No, we do not share parenting responsibilities(nor should parenting responsibilities be shared).  We do not get them "ever other weekend", or "for the summer" or whatever it is that divorcees have to deal with.  BUT what there can be, are in person visits, to show love and care for all those involved in the adoption triad.

Could you believe, that when I saw that little boy for the first time, I was scared, and maybe a little heartbroken?  I had waited 2 years to see him in real life again, and when I did, I realized he wasn't my little boy.  That part was heartbreaking; that he grew up from my 3 day old baby.  At three days old he became a member of his eternal family.  I was scared because I didn't know how I would feel. I was scared that I would break down. That the connection with his parents wouldn't be there... Did you know, though, that as they walked forward with their families, all those fears were filled with pure and utter HAPPINESS and EXCITEMENT!!!!  I couldn't have been more happy that he didn't have a clue who I was, and that he clung to his mom and dad.  It was a dream come true.  Could you believe that SO SO SO many holes and questions and fears were healed.  HEALED!

I could have gone the rest of my life with little to no contact after that day.  Why?  Because I saw, first hand, that he was PERFECT.  I have such a testimony of the power of prayer, of faith, and of God answering questions.  That moment strengthened me, and showed me much of what I had lost when I became pregnant. That day, helped me... find me.



When people say that they have never seen their birth child/children after placement, it breaks my heart. Only, because I know what it did for my heart, my soul, and my mind.  It breaks my heart because even thought they say they are ok(which i know there are some who are truly ok) they aren't.  I can't say that every single birth parent deserves a visit.... we all know when they shouldn't or can't.  But, in a lot of cases, we just would love to see them WITH YOU.  Pictures are wonderful, letters are amazing, and texts are like Christmas morning, but being able to see them, with our own eyes....  PEOPLE I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT IT DID FOR ME. There are no words to express it. There is no way to show it.  But I can STILL feel it, when I think about it.


So why do I Hate adoption today...  because I hate adoption for my families, who just want to see those families.  Who just would love to sit down and watch y'all interact, and be a family.  I hate it for so many other reasons right now too...


I know I don't have people reading this a lot... I think that is good because it wasn't my desire for this... and it is going to be very sporadic writing anymore.  I am pulling out of the adoption community. I need out. I need a break. I need solace.  I need peace.  I am lucky to know the people I do because of adoption. I am lucky to be friends with so many now.  I'll keep those intact...  but I can't put this out there anymore.  Not like I have been.  Its kinda ruined me lately.  And I hate it.   So ... for my last post for however long... Adoptive families(who are REAL families) I hope you can see and hear what has been written.  I know that you know what will work, what is possible, what is right.  But I also hope that hearts will be softened and that you'll be able to let a visit happen, or even be able to send those pictures they are so desperately needed.  They will heal. They will give peace. They will save.

An Advocate

A few years ago I was blessed to find Open Adoption, Open Heart on Facebook.  I then was lucky enough to become friends with Russell & Jammie. And then was shocked when they asked me to be part of their admin team, and an adoption advocate for Open Adoption, Open Heart.  I cried(ask my hubs) because it was truly an honor. I LOVE my OAOH family.  That place and those people will always be home. I will never leave, and I will never stop the love!

I didn't think much of the ways you can come in contact with people.  I have been blogging for a couple years now, with no real intention of an "audience".  I just felt this to be a place to spread the love. To write and GET IT OUT.  I still don't have a "destination" for this blog, other than for me to be able to have an out.  And yes, I could do it in my own private journal, but this actually gets done.  I haven't written in my own journal since just before my own baby boy was born!  Ya, that is how frigging awesome I am!  I just feel comfortable having this OUT.  

So, back to the point of this post.  I had never thought of myself as an "adoption advocate" because I didn't know there was such a title.  I didn't know there was a special title... because I felt that I was just a girl, who placed a child, and LOVED what it did for him, his family, and myself.  I just felt that if someone came to the same place I had, that I hoped they could hear my story, or my words, or anyones words who has had experience where I have, and be able to make an educated decision.  I love adoption.  I love birth parents. I love it, I just do. Its nothing to brag and boast, and say LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME. I don't want or need recognition, I am not here sharing so someone can say "oh look what she did/does".  I am here so that someone else can learn, grow, and make a decision.  

I can honestly say that I did TRY to be a part of the "adoption community".  I think I discovered a few different things.  The "community" I am in is saturated, it has already been established by amazing and supportive people.  It is a community that is set in what it wants/needs.  It is a community that, unless you are a part of it from the very moment you decide on adoption, its not one to easily be a part of.  There are MANY that are a "part" of it, but there are a few whose opinions/stories/experiences or whatever you want to call it are asked for.  THAT IS OK.  I can say it is OK, because I GOT OVER what was hurting so bad. I got over the fact that I was taking it all personal.  Because I realized, I am just not what they need.  At least, I am not what they need in the advocacy boat.  I still love to participate in many areas, but I am not there as a "advocate" I am there as a birth mom.  That is perfection for me.  

I attended the Birth Parent meet up hosted by Adoption: Share the Love this last year.  I LOVED IT. I was not there being trampled and being fussed over, I was there as a birth parent, who needed some birth parent love.  It was a great event, especially because of those who I got to chat with, and meet.  I was spread out meeting new people, and it was great! That is what I am. That is what I need.

I am a Birth Parent. I Love Adoption.  

Maybe the issue, rather the realization, is that I am 11 years into this "post placement journey".  I have had gobs and gobs of time to heal, and grow. I have had countless hours of moments in prayer, and being alone to meditate what I felt. I know what I want,  I know what I need.  I guess I am just not a normal Birth Parent?  I feel, I am not his mom.  He is not my son, my son is 3 days old. He has a mom, and dad, and oh how I love them.  I love his family, both his immediate family, and his extended family.  His Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, I LOVE THEM.  I love them like family.  I don't feel like its weird to not feel like his mom.  Because I have had many confirmations that he isn't.  I can testify that he is theirs and was ALWAYS meant to be theirs!

I have accepted the ugly parts of my story. The ugly including the relationships with bf, the self destruction of my own doing, and the ugly of how painful moments were and can be.  YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT AND EMBRACE THE UGLY.  Because adoption is not always pretty and rainbows, especially for birth parents.  Not everyone has a picture perfect experience.  Some have really frigging crappy experiences, I've witnessed one just recently, and it is UGLY, and it is MEAN, and it is utterly and completely HEARTBREAKING.  But, those who share their ugly moment, can help others more than they know!!!  

I am a lover of adoption. I am a lover of Birth Parents.  I am a lover of Adoptive Parents... who are real parents... and seriously i kind of hate calling them "adoptive parents".  But that's a post for another time.

I am just Jena.  And that is perfect for me.  

I will support this community, because they are doing great things, no matter what it does for me. With that being said as well. I will support those who ALSO support the community.  Not just some of the community, but ALL of it.  That supports and lifts every other "group", program, agency, etc.  I know that I am not for everyone, and everyone isn't for me.  BUT, each group has good and bad (to everyone)  be supportive... don't talk about one being better than the other... and don't start junk between groups! If you are going to advocate, do it respectfully and responsibly.  You are out there spreading the love of adoption, of birth parents, of adoptive couples, of adoptive hopefuls. Do so in the same light that you would want others to share information about you. 

She Doesn't Have Days Like This

** Disclaimer **  please be gentle with me. This is hard.

~ She gets the laundry done

~ The dishes don't pile up

~ Chores get done 

~ Kids don't fight with her

~ She gets dressed, and her hair gets done every day

~ Prayers & Scripture study are daily

~ She doesn't yell

~ She doesn't threaten

~ She doesn't get frustrated

She WANTS to be a mom.

I have had these thoughts running through my mind, continuously, for 2 weeks. To the point I even wrote it all out in one of my "thought journals". Its been a hard few weeks being a mom. So... I guess I'll share a story:

I wasn't married when I got pregnant with E (NO REALLY?  I am sure you didn't know that). I wasn't married with I got pregnant with my oldest little Louis either.  (didn't know that one did ya?)

I wasn't in a bad relationship, I wasn't sleeping around, I wasn't doing anything bad... except, oh ya, having sex before I was married. There was one HUGE difference, no really there was.

My husband and I got engaged in November. We went and spent Thanksgiving with my family that following weekend to "celebrate" and share the engagement.  We had already planned that we wanted to be married in the LDS Temple (I am LDS, and you can learn more about the temple here) and we would do that the following October. On the way home from that trip we decided that we needed to change our plans. There was no reason why(at that point) for this change, other than us feeling like it was something we should do. That meant no temple marriage at that point. That meant a lot of questions, or angry people, but we felt it was right.  So we moved up the date. 

In that time we still tried to be good... ya know.. good to not sleeping together... and then I needed to take a pregnancy test in January... and it was positive. 

Lets be honest, I was NOT ready to be a mother. Yes, the circumstances were different, and in my favor (for the most part), but I was still not ready.   As we sat in the bathroom, looking at those lines, I even said OUT LOUD, "Maybe we shouldn't get married. Are you sure you want to get married. I don't want people to think we are getting married because of this. ARE YOU SURE?"

He laughed, because of course he wanted to marry me,(who wouldn't right LOL) So we talked to our families about what the situation was... and it was WORSE than the first time. I HATED every second of it! 

And we moved forward with our planned wedding date. 

So, we got married, and i was 3 months pregnant, and it was a drama filled day. And we went on our honeymoon, and I was sick, and we had a baby. 

I was not ready to be a mom.
We were living with his parents to save money. To prepare for the upcoming life change. It was rough.
he worked 2 jobs. I worked 1 job, until i almost had a baby 6 weeks early, then i hung out for a bit. I thought I was ready. I thought I could do it. I thought that I would be the best mom in the world. I thought... I paid the ultimate price, and sacrificed a whole lot, so that I could be a mom, in the right circumstances, someday.  Oh boy was there a wake up call to be had.

I realized REAL quick... it wasn't all I had hoped.

She cried, A LOT.
She spit up, A LOT. And not just little spits. Spits, as in me having to change my clothes MULTIPLE times a day.  She was a great baby during the day, but I could not help her at night. I was tired. She was tired. WE were tired. Many nights her dad got up to be sobbing, and her sobbing, and I went to the bathroom and cried, and he held her in the rocking chair and consoled her. What in the world was wrong with me?!  Why couldn't I take care of her?!
 3 1/2 years later I had my 2nd of my own. Lots of curve balls thrown in before and after her birth. 9 1/2 months later, and six weeks earlier than planned, baby #3 joined the clan.

And here we are...

Dishes pile up.
laundry doesn't get done. Or only gets half done.
Chores don't get done.(or do because I end up having a nervous breakdown)
 Louis fights me CONSTANTLY, and littles #2 & 3 are joining in.
I rarely get dressed anymore. And makeup is very optional.(even if I get dressed)
I don't pray or read daily, at least not on my own.
I yell.... a LOT.
I make dumb threats all the time.
And I feel like a failure 99.999% of the time.
Right now... I don't want to be a mom.

I didn't believe anything other than S being perfect. I still believe she is. I have only been around her 6 times in 11 years, but in that time I KNOW who she is. She is the most soft spoken, caring, loving, honest, hardworking, positive person on the planet(NO JOKE).  I have been around their family. And I am equally positive that they are the same way. They are INCREDIBLE parents. Encouraging, and patient, and kind, and PERFECT.  I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see her parent her children. I wish I knew what I could do, because I am so far from being like her. 
I always wanted (and still want) to be like her. I want to be the kind of wife and mother she is. I want to have a soft voice. A loving soul. I want to work on being perfect, because she works so hard, and as achieving that perfection.


I know i have seen many adoptive families having a hard time being "perfect".  The thing is, you ARE perfect. You are prefect for us. You are perfect for the expectant parents looking for the forever family to their babies. You are the perfect match for each person you come to.  Perfection, though, doesn't mean you are perfect. Perfection, in my eyes as a birth parent, is trying daily to do your best. I want real, I want mistakes. Knowing that you AREN'T perfect is an answer to prayers. Because we want to meet your expectations. We want to be positive, and better than we were yesterday. We want to exceed our own expectations, so that if there is openness, if there is a meeting later in the years, that we can say, I DID IT!
We want to be the parents to our own kids, that you are to yours. Those children we placed belong with you. When we chose you, we chose what we knew to be right.

Does it make it better or easier for me today? No... to be honest.
Today... OK for a few weeks... I just don't want to be a mom. Because I am failing them. I am failing myself. I am failing their dad. I am failing the expectations I set for me. I am failing at achieving even the SLIGHTEST bit of perfection that She is. I am not even close. And right now, it just makes me want to cry.

So today... I'll cry... and tomorrow I'll reevaluate and post again. So I'll have to finish with this quote:

And I know it all to well.

Happiness isn't always Happy

Often I talk here positively. And though I will still do that this post, I'm also going to be extremely honest.  

As i stated in previous "creating your own happiness" posts, I have had body issues for the last 3 1/2 years. In January I was able to participate in a health challenge.  I say health challenge lightly, because it wasn't some crazy diet, exercise, only eat these 3 things challenge.  It included being HEALTHY, as in eating all fruits veggies(5 fruits and veggies a day, combined, not 5 fruits and 5 veggies), dairy, meat, grains, etc, in moderation. It also stated the obvious, don't eat sugar, high fat meats(bacon sausage etc), and no sodas or high sugar drinks.  Now, I think "indulging" every once in a while is fine, but I have learned from participating in that challenge that i CAN NOT INDULGE!!  No joke.  more on that later on.

So, eat healthy, exercise AT LEAST 15 minutes a day(you got points for 15 up to 1 hour). I enjoyed that part. Especially because if i "had" to, my husband didn't complain about my lack of presence in the evening as much ha.  It also got me running again, and I LOVE IT.  I hit ALL SORTS of milestones for myself, and I truly could see the difference in my body! WOOT WOOT.

Intake of water... DUH

SERVICE, serve others, serve your family, serve your friends.  

Personal prayers, and Scripture Study, and SLEEP.  I am sure there was more but I can't remember.

Either way, what I am getting at is when I was doing this I lost just under 15 pounds.  I know that doesn't sound like much for one to lose in a month, but it was for me.  Especially when I would break and have a HUGE ice cream, or other crappy food, at 9 at night.  But, I could see the difference. It also made good HABITS.  And I continued to work out 5-6 days a week, eat better, and continue without soda and sugar.  I felt awesome, and the more time I spent being healthy, the more I could see the difference.  

That being said, one of the big parts of this challenge that changed me was the prayers and scripture study.  Its no big news that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Also known as LDS, or the Mormons - NO i am not a polygamist, and we don't believe in that, even though it was practiced over 100 years ago.  BUT, I do live in close proximity to MANY polygamists(well, they live in the northern most parts of AZ, and often come to my neck of the woods to do their shopping... they look very different, not like the Sister Wives you see on TLC.   

Any who, sorry I am getting way side tracked.

We believe in the Word of Wisdom, you can read more about those Here and Here because I'd make no sense of it all and go off and become side tracked again.  Not only including the physical aspects of the Word of Wisdom, I truly needed that Spiritual wisdom and growth that came because of the studying and prayer.  I had become so laxed in my study and prayer, it was practically non existent. I would do our family study and prayer, but even that was a hit and miss.  I could FEEL the knowledge and faith growing and my testimony growing as well.

You see, life hasn't always been super awesome.  And even though I sit here and act like I AM OK, sometimes, I'm not.  And that's OK to. BUT, its been an extremely difficult two weeks. In the past I would find myself in these situations and I would RUN from everything because I figured that my Father in Heaven hated me, and was punishing me because i FAILED.  I have failed at most everything.  I did quit attending church, and most everything else for over a year not long ago because I felt so broken, and beaten.  This last few weeks, I have tried the hardest i have EVER tried, to stay strong in the eyes of adversity.  Not many weeks ago an amazing lady, Nikki, over at Heart grown Baby Love, talked about giving up. Truly, i can't put into words what she did, but I FELT LIKE HER!  Not because I am waiting for a child, but because I'm waiting for LIFE.  Its been INSANE.  Today was the top of all tops. Being denied something I had NEVER been denied, something that would have not only helped my family, but also the bank (idiots).  It took a lot to finally get things done(vague I know), and in the end here is where I am.  I was blessed with selling my car, and now I'm blessed with something else not nearly as awesome as selling the car.  It ended up being a lose lose.  But, I SOLD THE CAR.  I have to keep saying that, i have to keep focus on that part, because if I keep focusing on the other half... here's what imma do(yup broke out the south on ya)

Imma do what I done did ALL DAY LONG.  Imma eat a sugar cookie from swig(thank you Birth Mothers Day gift cards), a XL Pepsi from Swig, imma eat a burger for lunch, 2 diet cokes, deep dish nasty pizza for dinner, Chips, ANOTHER diet coke(did I mention i REALLY do not like Diet Coke?!  its nasty).  Then imma come home, eat ANOTHER cookie, ANOTHER Pepsi, and then blog here. yup.  Its the truth, you can throw up now, cause imma bout to.  

So what I am saying is this I guess.... 

In moments like the last couple weeks I have had to find strength in others. I have been carried by others happiness(even though they didn't know), and carried by those who told me YOU CAN DO THIS. I have been carried by my Father in Heaven, my brother Jesus Christ, and can feel the spirit of the Holy Ghost.  I was able to receive a blessing from Derek yesterday. I needed it, and I knew what it was going to say, and I didn't know what it was going to say.  He knows I am trying, he knows I am trying harder than I ever have. But, sadly, I don't have the luxury of some people in the world, and my life will continue to see trials set before me.  I hated that part, but I am TRYING to see the positive.  ( that will be a post for a later day).  but i know I can be carried, and lifted, and guided if I keep doing my best.  But I know that in my unhappy moments, that I can look to others

 

(yes I've posted this before I think)

the current conditions conclude that I should be bitter, and negative, and poopy, and a big boob.  But I have received peace, and strength.  No, I am still not happy, I am still fighting the will to give up, and am still going to cry myself to sleep, BUT  I will wake up, and keep doing my best, because that is what I need to do.  That is what I need to do for myself, for my babies, for my family, friends, and those I hope and pray I am helping.   It is NOT going to be fun or easy. It is probably going to get worse, but my heck IMMA BE STRONG. 

Peace, by Prayer

I only learned that peace could immediately be handed to me through prayer 3 years ago. Or, maybe I really had enough faith, to ask and know that it could happen. But when it did, it changed my life FOREVER.

I had been having an especially hard time with my experience as a birth mother. Lots of regret was washing over me, because years later it was still affecting many.  I had thought that being happy for the ability for people to change, to move forward in their lives, and become the people I thought they could be, was a good thing.  I didn't know that hoping the best for someone could ultimately break up friendships, and cause more hardship for others, including myself.
As you know the BF and I stayed together for a year(on and off) after we placed.  As I have said before, we were far less than awesome together.  What was I thinking?  Truly, what were we both thinking?  We fought like mad, and it was NOT right. 
I prayed day and night to find peace in being away from this person.  I didn't want to be with him, and I'm sure he didn't want to be with me... and yet, I did want to be with him.  I prayed and prayed for peace and understanding. For forgiveness for what I had done with him, and to find forgiveness for the things he did to me.  When it was finally over, there was peace.  There was peace... but not full forgiveness.
 If I would see him, I would get sick, and try to avoid him.  It would make me angry even.  One particular day i was on stocking duty at work, and saw that he'd come in. I quickly prayed that I wouldn't have to run into him and grabbed some items to be restocked.  Moments later he came out and began talking to me.  Small talk, nothing of importance, and mostly him being nice("waaaaht" I thought.)  In the end I remember hearing an apology, and a hope for the best for me.  He asked for a hug, and said that he hoped I wouldn't hate him anymore.  There was more forgiveness in that moment that I admitted at that time. But it was a good moment, because I could see something different.  I didn't have anymore run In's, or whatever you want to call them, after that moment.  And I was happy.  And I was happy that he was happy.

That still didn't carry full forgiveness. 
In a talk given by James E. Faust titled, The Healing Power of Forgiveness, he quotes:

“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.” ⁵

Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. One of these reasons is waiting for the wrongdoers to repent before we forgive them. Yet such a delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours. The folly of rehashing long-past hurts does not bring happiness.

Some hold grudges for a lifetime, unaware that courageously forgiving those who have wronged us is wholesome and therapeutic..."

 he continues:

Forgiveness comes more readily when...we have faith in God and trust in His word. Such faith “enables people to withstand the worst of humanity. It also enables people to look beyond themselves. More importantly, it enables them to forgive.” ⁶

All of us suffer some injuries from experiences that seem to have no rhyme or reason. We cannot understand or explain them. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord. But because it happens, it must be endured. President Howard W. Hunter said that “God knows what we do not know and sees what we do not see.:""

 

Oh how many times I had hashed up my story, telling of what a jerk the boy had been, but that he was at least there. Then telling of how he had changed, through what had been said to me of his current life.  I never asked how he was, but rather, avoided it.  I still felt much anger/frustration those years later. I hadn't fully forgiven.  I was waiting for him/them  to apologize for the things they'd said.  all the untrue, rotten, horrible things that had still been being said.  I thought I deserved it.  And, maybe I do, maybe I don't.  What matters though, was that it wasn't adding anything to my life. I wasn't able to share my story and HELP others when I still harbored such distaste.  

At that time, when I was still be pushed down for my past, and had seen/read/heard things from people, I couldn't take it anymore.  I had truly hit my low.  I wondered how people who had been with me in moments where he would be "oh so loving", and then see what he would do when he would turn so mean.... could believe something so ridiculous.  I have always said I did some dumb things... but i never cheated, lied, stole, or did anything that wasn't brought on by being led on.  Despite those people, those moments, and that anger, it didn't excuse my emotional state. To still cling to it did nothing for me.  I had prayed before. I had prayed LOTS before, though it never seemed to do much. I would end up more angry and frustrated.  So, at that moment I got on my knees and prayed. I prayed harder for him and his family, for those friends I was losing, and for myself and my family, harder than I had EVER before.  I knew that if I didn't get this feeling out now, it would grow, and it would fester, and it would be ugly.  I didn't want to do what they were doing. So, I prayed.....

Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the 12 said,

"It matters not our circumstance, be we humble or arrogant, poor or rich, free or enslaved, learned or ignorant, loved or forsaken, we can address Him. We need no appointment. Our supplication can be brief or can occupy all the time needed. It can be an extended expression of love and gratitude or an urgent plea for help. He has created numberless cosmos and populated them with worlds, yet you and I can talk with Him personally, and He will ever answer."

 

Psalms 66:19 But verily God hath heard me; he hath attended to the voice of my prayer. 

As I stood up from that prayer, I felt utter, undeniable, and absolute peace and forgiveness. 
It that moment, I knew that my prayers had been answered, and that they truly could be answered when I needed them to be. It wasn't by my timing, but by his, because this wasn't the first time I'd prayed for peace. But this time, it was INCREDIBLE.  Even as I am writing this, I can feel it in my chest, that moment, that peace, that LOVE, for those who were being so mean... 

I walked out, and I did a post about it on an old personal blog:  HERE

It isn't long, its hard to explain, and really, I don't think I need to explain.  
I learned more again recently, about forgiveness for those who weren't there to witness my story.  And I have been able to forgive for things said and done.  I still pray mightily, but less often, for those sort of things. But I am HAPPY..  I have gained a testimony of prayer. I have a testimony of forgiveness.  Someday, I hope it can be returned, and that, if for the sake of my angel boy alone, that it will be let go of.  I refuse to carry it anymore.  
in the words of my daddy, "quit carrying other peoples garbage"

So, Pray, pray often, because it truly does heal!  I can't state it any more than that!

 

STOP IT

Is it truly so hard to STOP?

After my previous post, I've had a few FEW people come to me and start going off about Yes I hate This group and that group... or I can't do stuff with this group because that group will get mad... etc.  SERIOUSLY.  KNOCK IT OFF.

There are many groups out there in support of adoption, of birth moms, of adoptive couples, of hopefuls, the list goes on.  I am part of A LOT of groups.  I don't pick apart what one group does better than the other. I don't pick which people are the worst in that group. I don't worry about any of that. If someone is having a hard time, or wants to celebrate... THEN I PUT MY HELP IN WHERE NEEDED.  I am not there to criticize, to pick apart, to belittle, to spy, to break down. I am in these groups because we all need support, we all need love, and faith, and courage and mercy.  Where can we go if we can't feel safe in these areas?  

I have determined, that if there is something going on in a group; say a retreat, or a class, or a get together; if its going to help you on YOUR journey... GO AND DO IT. Join in, and do what you need to do to grow and heal.  If you need to go so you can express your story positive or negative, you should be able to do it in a safe place.  

If you are going to GOSSIP about "she stole the idea from her" or "she is stealing the idea from them", you need to take a step back.  With all the blogs, websites, facebook pages, support groups, adoption groups, etc, there is bound to be repetitiveness. BUT, I can assure you, how rare it really is for someone to "STEAL" another story.  Maybe you take and IDEA about a blog post. Or and IDEA of a doing a retreat, either way there is probably someone, somewhere, that is doing that EXACT thing that you are, or that they are.

As I stated before. We all have strengths and weaknesses.  ALL OF US.  Oh if I were to sit on here and list all my weaknesses i'd be on here for weeks. Believe me I sat down and started a list of weaknesses.  BUT, guess what, we all have strengths as well.  And what I lack in my abilities, I can learn to accept them, and grow from them. I can learn to make a weakness a strength. And I can do that by being a part of EVERYTHING..  I can do that by supporting all adoption triads, and realizing its a part of life. 

What I will do though, is be done.  I have blocked people who don't do much other than pick out every piece of negativity they can.  I have blocked those who go out of their way to pick apart every other person they can find that doesn't have a view of adoption that we may have. This is it. This is the end of this road for me. No more posts about competing, or gossiping, or whatever between adoption groups.  

I am here to find the POSITIVE, I am here to embrace the negative. I am here to do my best to help those who have had crappy adoption experiences. I am here to grow, and learn, and succeed in life. 

Stop gossiping about our community and what you do or don't know. Or what you THINK you do or don't know.  If you THINK this person is going to assume you stole their idea, GO TO THE SOURCE. Tell them of your concern, OR tell them that you got an idea from them, and that you wrote it about your story.  Good grief, if we were all allowed to only share 1 story or experience... we'd be SCREWED.  The end. We wouldn't have anything worth sharing, or growing from.  So STOP IT.  Be better. Be stronger. Be wiser. BE THE GOOD.  Push for the good. Push for the positive.  

Is that a rambling enough for the masses????  

Its all over the place I know, but oh my heart can't take anymore.  So its done. It has had all it will take. And I am going to go back to doing what I need to do to grow and heal.  What I need to do to be able to help another. Because that is what I am here to do. To be the good, to be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to have a friggin awesome sauce party with!!!!!!:)  Be jealous:)

I love this community, and all that we have in our hands to be proud of.  

So lets start being proud. Being the winners, the educators, and the fighters(in a good way). 

LOVE YOU ADOPTION GROUPS, ALL OF YOU.

We need a united front.  WE ARE ALL FIGHTING FOR THE GOOD OF ADOPTION.

How can we educate, and instill the idea of adoption if there is so much crud? Lets just stop.  

become UNITED.

When You Share

**Disclaimer ** this is raw, real, and very much me. 

oh- and this is gonna be a quote filled post.

This last week has been filled with a lot of emotions. Anger, hurt, frustration, faith, question, hope, to name a few.  In the end (as in today) I feel stronger than before. And more ready than I ever have to continue to share my story in hopes that someday it will help someone else. 

To sum it up, This quote seemed perfect for the setting.

To say the least, what I saw was more of a shock than a frustration. It did turn into frustration, but then I rememberd this quote that my daddy told me.  Truly, he is an inspired man, because he helped remind me that, 10 years later, I am better than I have ever been. And that I am ok. 

And then, I realized, I am ok. I AM OK!  I know that what I am doing is ok. What I am doing is right. That God knows it, I know it, and the people who matter know it.

Leads me to my next point:

 

Though I share a LOT on here, and I have shared a LOT in panels, in classrooms, but its not the WHOLE story. There are many special, sacred things that I don't share. But its important to share enough so that (as stated above) someone, i hope, will be touched and helped in either making an adoption plan, or choosing to parent, or get married...  Maybe I can help someone with Post Pardum Depression?  Maybe I'll be able to help someone who is in an abusive relationship?  But here's the thing to. There are many who were there to see my life from 2002-2005. There were many that weren't there during it, but still assume they know my story.  They may know a small part, but they don't know all of it. There are many that assume that sharing forgiveness is equal to meaning that I have feelings for someone. LAME BALLS to those. This is my story. A story of triumph, love, loss, and growth. I have learned more from being a Birth Mother than anything in this world.  Being a Birth Mother has made me a better Mother. I am not perfect, but I try.

So here we are to the next :

This is true. This is not me saying "I am amazing and I have an amazing spirit."  This is me saying:

"If I am going to share my story publicly. If I am going to be an advocate for adoption. If I am going to be open, honest, true, and real. Then I have to be willing to take the backlash."

Not everyone is into adoption. Not everyone is willing to accept the truth. Not everyone is willing to admit the truth. and you know what, THAT'S OK. Why?  Because it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS.  I share for myself, and for those who I hope to help in their own journeys.  

So, my adoption friends and family, my birth mommas, birth dads, adoptive parents, expectant moms... SHARE ON. Be prepared for the backlash, and stand by your story. Be sure, as well, that you are truthful. because it matters.

Assume the Good. Doubt the Bad.  Pretty simple eh?  

I don't know if this person is gong through something. I don't know if they're happy or sad.  IT DOESN'T MATTER. Assume the good.  And what I assume, is they have a relationship and that makes me HAPPY.  And i am at peace, and have fully forgiven, and have loved my life the last 8 years.  Have there been many ups and downs HECK FRIGGIN YEA. But its my life, and I'm stronger, because of it. 

I have been carried by friends, family, neighbors, and total strangers. Mostly, I have been able to kneel down and pray for strength to forget and forgive and feel peace. And the Lord has been there to love me and carry me through.  

I am so grateful that I can share this story. And that I have the opportunity to do work in the adoption community.  We all need to be more aware:)

I have, for a very short time, tried to see the good in every situation.  I found it in this. And am blessed because of it.  FIND THE GOOD. Forget the nonsense. And forgive as well.  It doesn't matter anymore. Its done and over with. And its all OK.

Day 23: Something Big

Something big was forgiveness. Forgiving someone who nearly destroyed everything I was, wanted to be, could be.  I allowed the lies, and dishonesty, and more lies even after, to break me. It took a LONG time to fully, 110%, forgive. Since then, life has been good. I am happy for them, happy for change, happy that people have the opportunity to be something different. It was something I'd hoped would happen for me. Now, I am glad it didn't, but I'm glad for what I learned, and gained, through forgiveness!

Day 24: Moment of Courage

It was my daddy's Birthday... And oh how I love him. We have been wayyyyyyy up and down in our relationship. We had a lot of head butting, fighting, screaming, running away...  We don't really talk about this much... about the adoption... about how it makes me feel... about how they felt... so I try to imagine...

I think those days were a big moment of courage for my momma and papa. To kiss their grandson goodbye. To watch their daughters heart be broken to the smallest of bits possible...  I wonder how it felt...

Day 25: Life before Adoption

 

Life was the best. Friends, friends, and more friends. Trips to Seven Peaks, Orem to see Boys, football road trips. Boys coming to visit me at home. it was a blast. My friends were a blast. The sad part... I didn't get to do much of those things my Senior year, because I was to caught up in a boy... that didn't go to high school... who I thought was amazing...  Good grief. Can you believe what I missed?!!!!

running out of titles

Day 13: The Worst Memory

 Darkness, cold, alone, and the middle of the night. 

I can't go into more than that... this was one of the worst nights during my adoption journey.

its still painful. SUPER painful.  And no one understands what it did to me. 

I felt broken, worthless, ALONE, ignored, misunderstood, misguided, deceived, questioned...

Day 14: Turning point

 This family, that girl, and the dad that isn't pictured.  This was my turning point.

My two best friends at this time, Mal and Meg. My Leenie and her hubby Dave, and little Judd. 

Leenie, Mal, Dave, Judd, and Joe(who was gone on a mission), took me into their home when I was 71/2 months pregnant.  They showed me something, though never verbally, or pushy, or anything bad, that I DESPERATELY needed to see.  I got to have my own room, and mal and meg slept on my floor pretty much every single night that I lived there.  They were sisters to me at a time when I didn't really have any.

My Leenie and Dave. I still remember your blessing daddy Dave:).  You people changed my life!

Day 15: Birth/First Family

My leenie took pictures for us the day of placement. We were able to take little E home for a few hours between leaving the hospital and placement. 

We were SO toxic together. We fought all the time. There was abuse. There was lying. There was everything wrong. But we did, both of us, love love LOVE that little boy more than anything.  We were still his family. At least for a little while. And we'll always be his Birth Family.  And E has something that so many adoptive children don't, a birth father that was in the picture. I don't know if they still have contact now, but I hope, for E, that they do.  I do, because I know people can change. And I want him to be able to see the good that i could see in his BF.

Birth Mother Bond?

I have been mulling over this post for months now. 

I can never seem to get the point across with my words. They're never expressive enough. Never coming together the way I need them to. So, today, I decided I'm just going to do it and get it over with.

Just over 10 years ago I walked into my first "Group".  It was intimidating, nerve racking, and helpful. I saw women who had placed months ago, years ago, weeks ago.  I was invited to go out to get a little treat after one of our meetings, and though I felt absolutely inferior, and that I didn't click at all with anyone there, I went.  Those 4 girls were soon to be the women I've stayed in contact with through this entire process. Though we don't see each other a lot, think along the lines of years and years, they are still there for me, still supportive, loving, and down right inspiring.  

I have always enjoyed going to these groups. The Birth Parent/Expectant Mother support groups held by LDS Family Services. And I went for a long time because I NEEDED to go. I needed to share my grief, I needed to hear of others grief to know I wasn't the only one. Then it turned into going because I LOVED those girls, I hoped they would learn something from me. I hoped they would know that life can go on, and that you can succeed and flourish in life after placement, or single parenting.  I went because...

I have felt the desire/need to share my story, or to even just be an advocate and not share. 

The thing is... There's something missing, or something that eats at me and kind of tears me down.  That "Birth Mother Bond".  Its supposed to be there, or at least I thought it was supposed to be there. I thought that I could walk into a room of other women who shared that special gift we had, and we would click. They would love me, I would love them, and life would be wonderful.  Now, do not get me backwards here. I have met many amazing Birth Mothers who I have amazing relationships with, and many amazing Birth Mothers who though we don't "click" have stayed friends, to support and love each other and its never awkward.  But there are more that make me uncomfortable than there are that I click with.

I hate to admit it, but just like in any other circle in the world, there are cliques in Adoption as well.  Does it suck, YES IT STINKING DOES.   There are the "rich" ones, the "poor" ones, the "emo" ones, the "weird" ones, and so on.  Do I think those titles shouldn't matter, yes.  Just like in the real life living working world, I don't think your "title" should matter.  But, Its not all sunshine and daisies.  

Its been hard, attending the group where I currently  live.  I feel like an outcast, like what I dreamed of doing doesn't matter, and isn't welcome.   I feel like a burden rather than a look at how life CAN BE BETTER in the future.  Its hard going there, when you try to connect with people, to support and love them, and get shut down.  I honestly feel like I'm that newbie again. That one that no one wants to talk to.   Its dumb, and I shouldn't feel that way, but its how I feel.  

Sometimes I want to walk away, and quit sharing. But then that doesn't feel right either.  I want every Birth Parent, Expectant Parent, to have someone.  Weather they click as "best buddies", or just as friends that can love and support each other continually.   I want to be a help for people who want to know my story, or know why I chose Adoption.  I don't want to be there to tell anyone "THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO."  Because its not always the case.  But I want to be there to give a hand to someone.  Whether they are placing, parenting, or still don't have a dang clue.   

I think,  and again  I THINK I THINK I THINK,  me, no one else. I think that we all need to support and love each other. NO one adoption story is exactly the same, but we have all been through it.  I have witnessed the ache, because of a closed adoption.  I have witnessed the ache, because a birth parent hasn't seen that baby since placement.  I have found that even though my story may be better than another, doesn't change what I can do when I love, listen, and care for someone who needs it.   

I met with a fellow Birth parent for the first time last week.  It was a little weird, but I say that's because it was the first time we'd met.  Then I was called a "fan", or maybe I wasn't called that, but that is what I took it as, and CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG. I thought... hmmm... I didn't think I would say I was a "fan".  I would say I'm a Fan of The R House. I am a fan of the Agape Project, and the women involved there. I am a Fan of Brave Love.  I was a Fan of this woman, but I thought we had past that moment not to long ago.  It was a little hard walking away from that and feeling the disconnect.  It doesn't change how I feel about what she does, what she says, or who she is.  She is amazing, she is an advocate, an amazing speaker, voice of truth, and so much more. I just would have hoped for something more since we are together, supporting the same page, like I do the other people on that page. 

 

 But it isn't how it always ends up. And I suppose its not what I can count on or expect from anyone.  

I can hold my hand out there, and let them know I am here to be another voice, friend, advocate, birth parent, and so son, but its their choice weather to "click".  Its not making it easier. But maybe its all I can do.   And maybe I need to take a step back and see what I want from all of this.  What do I need to do, and want to do about my story, and my support system?  

 

Do any other Birth Parents feel this way?  Am a total boob and nutcase for thinking this way?  I think I just need to get over it and move past it... Quit being a baby right?  Ya, probably.  

 

 

9 days + my Girlies

You know what happened NINE days after we met, I had a baby.

And the days leading up to that were so hard.

I had a few braxton hicks(sp please) contractions here and there for the last month or 2. But the last week was SO HARD. Work seemed un-ending. The bloating, and flipping tree trunk legs were AWFUL. Seriously... kinda made me gag every so often if I saw those fat feet of mine. I will find my photos, eventually, and post those as well.(being that we move every 6 months, I gave up on unpacking...my walls are bare).  The American West Festival was over, which meant a MUCH SLOWER day/days. I liked it slower, but missed how the days passed so quickly.  I was spending more time at my parents house and it seemed that every single day was full of contractions. Most frustrating thing ever, and so exhausting. Should I call the doctor? Should I wait? Will they keep going? So many questions, so little time to do what was needed.

I had decided months before that I wanted to make E a quilt. I had seen a cute little rag quilt in the store as we were looking for fabric for something else, and knew that was what I wanted. After finding the fabric we quickly went to make it and have it ready. As time drew closer I started stressing that I wouldn't have his quilt finished in time.  After meeting A(s's sister), my mom and I went to a cute little store, Storks Landing, and tried to find something what would be good enough for this little boy. I wanted to send him home with something that he could hold.. besides a blanket. We had found TWO bears, that were exactly the same. One was large, and it had light brown/white fur. the other was half the size, but exactly the same. I wanted them, I KNEW that was what I wanted him to have... then i looked at the price tag... that was out of the option. Obviously, my funds were limited. I was heart brokent, and continued to find something for him.

 September 22, 2003
"I got to work at AWHC at 12:30, and started to have 'pains' in my stomach.  They were getting stronger and stronger too. So I got to my parents and called the Dr. He said to wait till they are 5 minutes apart, so I waited... and waited... and at 6:00 they stopped.  I was SO upset and frustrated. I started to cry. Why? Because I felt, if this was going to start it needed to be finished. I wanted to see my baby... to hold him and love him for the first time. I went down and back to Mal's at 9:30 and called BF to come over. He left by 11 and was frustrated that I wasn't with him when I started to have contractions.  He wanted to be there to help me.(see he wasn't crappy all the time)."

That night, I sat on my parents floor, between the entry and the kitchen, right in front of the stairs. Having contractions, and crying. I remember when they stopped my mom asked why I was so upset. I remember telling her that I just wanted it to be over, I wanted all the pain to just come so that I could just move past it. I didn't want to have to think it was going to start and then stop.  Now, by pain I didn't mean labor pains, I meant my heart breaking as I was going to loose him. And at the same time, I just wanted him to be with his mom and dad.

Saturday September 27, 2003

" Bf and I hung out. I started to have some more contractions... then they stopped. I was still so frustrated. But I wasn't surprised that they stopped. I had given up on getting my hopes up."

did that part even make sense. Sometimes I wondered what I was thinking when I wrote some of this stuff. Seriously, I had lost my marbles by then, or I thought I had. Time drug on, and sleeping through the night didn't happen anymore. BUT, my girlie friends continued to have sleep-overs with me almost every night. I would wake up and waddle over them to go to the bathroom. How grateful i was for them, for leenie, for her family, for taking me in, and for being so supportive.

I don't know if I ever said THANK YOU to my M&M's. Through this ENTIRE pregnancy, they were there with me all the way. They were never rude, or negative. They loved me, cared about me, and talked with my so many times I can't even count. I wished so many times that I could go out with them. That I could go to the movies, the camp outs, and all the other fun things they did with all our friends. They were my sisters. They were there cheering me on and pushing me forward. They were my family... when MY family was still so negative. I mean, I understand now why it was hard, but at the same time, I wonder why they couldn't have been more supportive. They weren't mean all the time, but a lot of the time they were.

Thank you MAL-Dawg(yes I know), for being my sister. For letting me share your family. For being my sleepover buddy. Thank you for taking me to wash our comforters. Thank you for being a better example than you will ever know. Your love and kindness did more than you can imagine, and you will be known as one amazing person in my house!
Meg- Thanks for sticking up for me, and for coming over, WHENEVER I needed you. Thank you for being my FRIEND. Thank you for my favorite sandwich, and for ALWAYS... ALWAYS being there. You will forever be a hero!

my friend

One of my dearest friends, who I met through adoption, lives in Nevada. 

In her Testimony meeting today a man bore his testimony that "Living the gospel brings happiness".

I completely agree that living the gospel brings happiness. I also know that no one is perfect, and that is why we have the atonemtent and are able to repent and be happy. But, in his testimony, he shared a story about his sister, that she had placed a baby 5 years ago.  He told of the girl that becamer pregnant out of wedlock, and that her life has been ruined since that moment; because she didn't live the gospel.

Now, that last sentence I couldn't disagree with more.  

One of the reasons that my blog is called "Destination", and why the quote at the top says what it does, is because ever single choice has a destination.  I did become pregnant out of wedlock. I did have a child and place it for adoption. Having that baby is NOT what has made life difficult. LIFE, made life difficult.  Just because I had a baby before I was married, and placed, has no link to why things in my life have been hard. No, they haven't been hard for a straight 8 1/2 years. But there have been MANY moments in the last 5 eyars that have been so faith breaking, that my own testimony was shaken.  My Destination because of havinng premarital sex was becoming pregnant, it was then another set of choices on where my destination would be after that, so on and so on. Every choice takes us in different directions. Choosing to have sex made some moments in life hard. It didn't, however, make every other single thing hard.

I don't belive that many people reallu understand the atonment, repentance, and our Heavenly Fathers Plan, in so many ways.  This girls life is not hard because she had a baby out of wedlock. Her life could be hard for many different reasons. She may be choosing to live in a way that he finds wrong, and he is placing blame on a choice made years before. I have not had a hard time in the last 5 years because I became pregnant 8 years ago. I have had hard times because my husband lost his job, and things have been rough since then. I had been living the gospel, to the 100% fullest of my capabilities, i was doing my best, and I knew that HEavenly Father knew my best was enough. That doesn't mean that life is going to be easy. It doesn't mean that my life will be a life without trials. My chioce doesn't change my destination, it just changed the road I was going on.  I had to made different choices to get back to the path that i wanted, that was going to bring ME happiness.  

Its hard hearing of someones lack of understanding of something. And maybe I am wrong as well, maybe he doesn't have an understanding because he hasn't been taught, or LISTENED, when he was?  

For those of you who have no idea what the crud a Testimony is:  In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we hold a meeting called Sacrament meeting.  It is basically where the whole congregation(in that area designated into ward boundires) comes together to listen to talks.  TESTIMONY MEETING is every month, on the first Sunday of the month. It is Sacrament Meeting with no talks, where members of the congregation can go to the pulpit and share their Testimonies of whatever they want. It is intended to help us all feel the spirit and learn from others, without being asked to speak on a specific subject.  

The Atonement: In definition is to ..."Suffer the penalty of sins..." look HERE for the full definition.

We believe that Jesus Christ suffered and Atoned for our sins in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the Cross at Calvary.

“I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;

“But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I;

“Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—

“Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men” (D&C 19:16-19; see also Luke 22:44; Mosiah 3:7).  More on that on the link marked HERE(above)

Repentance: the definition HERE

sometimes is a hard thing to do. After being immoral and having a child I had to repent of my sins and was unable to partake of the sacrament. (another thing you can read about at www.LDS.org).  There are many ways that you can be "disciplined", depending on the extent of what you have done.  You are never physically disciplined. 

The understandings of all these things can be taken in so many ways. And I know that i've not done a very good job at explaining them here, but you can go to www.LDS.ORG to really understand.  The tools there are better at it than myself.

High School - being pregnant

my little sister, the one I NEVER got along with... and who I told I was pregnant on her Birthday...

The next day, before I could go tell my friends myself, the ENTIRE school knew that I was pregnant.  She was awesome, and so mature(i mean i was so much more remember), and felt it necessary to tell every single person that I was pregnant. 

Now, it wasn't as if I was going to try to keep this a secrete, but I wanted to tell my friends. I didn't want them to hear from anyone else. But, I guess that is what happens in a disgruntled family, angry sister, wanting to get you back kind of thing.  I had called both of my best friends so I could pick them up from school and tell them. I don't remember them being mad, they were surprised, and disappointed.  They'd heard, and wondered if it was really true. But every one else knew, everyone. My friends all knew, and some of them STILL act weird towards me.

The thing about this small town I grew up in, there are people who are SUPER judgmental. Do not get me wrong, I know that when you find out a classmate, a friend of a classmate, or a daughter of a neighbor is pregnant and a Sr in high school all sorts of things are bound to run through your head. I'm sure people started talking about what a slut I was (an this I'm not kidding, things really were said like this).  Talking about me going off and getting married(uh, i got married? New to me.) Parents not wanting their kids to hang out or talk to me anymore.. yadda yadda yadda.  It was hard, very hard. Especially, like I said, because I'd never had sex before, EVER. It was hard seeing people that I thought were my friends ignore me. It was hard seeing them talk about me, and especially those I thought knew me better than that. 

It was hard thinking of continuing school... wondering if I even could... could I handle going there every day with my huge belly?  

As a Sr in High School I took a class where the teacher had an panel of girls. They talked about their experience with adoption. That they weren't the girls that slept with everyone, or had even only had sex one time.  I remember sitting in my chair thinking, I could NEVER place my baby for adoption if I got pregnant out of marriage. I couldn't imagine having sex before I got married either so I didn't think of it much. I remember hearing them tell of how they were treated in their religious groups, friends, family, etc etc.  I never thought I would end up being one of those girls.

It was amazing seeing the people that were my friends, and who were not. People who still tried to keep in contact with me and see how I was doing, and those that would avoid me at all cost.

I remember specifically one girl, J, whose mom told her that she was not allowed to speak or talk to me ever again. The funny part about this, is that she and her boyfriend had been sexually active since... forever. They were actually the friends of the bf. She got me in contact with the bf, and it made me so angry. It made me angry that she could let her mom be so rude and, well, i guess do what most any mom would probably do. BUT, do it knowing that she had been doing the same things, longer than I ever had. 

I remember thinking... how am I going to tell J, and his family.  I was SO disgusted all ready.. now I got to add his family to the disappointment. 

Would anyone want to talk to me? To be my friend? Would they be mean? What would my parents say to people who asked about me? What would I say?  

So many questions... so many options. And all I could think of was how much I was going to be judged. And how much I probably deserved it.  I know I wasn't, personally, the kind of person to bad mouth a girl who got pregnant. Mostly, I was just sad for them that they put themselves in that position. That they were in the spot to have to make some super hard decisions.  I was sick over being right there with them... and so confused.

Education

When I was a junior in HS, at the beginning of the school year, one of my classmates was pregnant. At least, I think it was my Junior Year?  

Any-whooser, she came to school, everyday. As her tummy grew she still came, and she carried herself with confidence. She was in a class of mine as well, and I never knew how to approach her. Mostly, we said hi, and talked about other things. Never about the pregnancy, baby, boyfriend(or not?), or anything else surrounding the situation.  She came back the next year, not pregnant.  I didn't know until long after I'd placed that she did as well. The difference between her and I ???  She graduated with our class, I didn't.

Yup, I did not graduate from High School. I am not proud, in any way, to say this publicly. I do not love sending out job applications saying 'GED'. For me (and seriously, this is my personal feeling) a GED isn't anywhere CLOSE to a High School equivalency. You can take the GED at pretty much anytime, at least that I am aware, so I didn't/don't feel as if its worth a dang. it is SO embarrassing, and rips me apart every time I go to a graduation, or think about college, or apply for a job. It truly is one HUGE thing that STILL eats me alive every single day. Especially now. 

I always wanted to go to college. Even today I still want to go; photography, art, teaching, music, hair. Those things I would LOOOOVE to get a degree in. I am a Picture Nazi, and also known around the extended families and friends as the Paparazzi. That's fine, I have the memories you don't:).  

I tell everyone and anyone GO TO SCHOOL. I can't hold back, its kind of a big deal, and its a soapbox.  If for any reason, because you'll have something to fall back on if you come to a point in life where I am at.  I am a stay at home mom, and I wish I could stay  that way. BUT, I also wish I could stay that way and not have to worry about bills, rent, stuff the kids need... I know everyone worries about those things, but your husbands haven't lost 6 jobs since 08. OK, so some people have probably gone through the very same thing with that. Right now, we're SCREWED. And all I can think of every day is, "I should have gone to school."

There is not a job here that will pay me enough to put 3 kids in Daycare and work full time. Basically, I can't even get a job a McDonald's because I don't have a flipping college degree(no matter what its in).  I could go make 7 bucks an hour, and work 40 a week, and still not be able to cover the daycare. And don't get me started on Daycare, its another post for another day.  I HATE this whole thing. I hate that I didn't just kick my "teachers" butt for telling me, "You only have these 3 packets left and then you will graduate..."  Then weeks later, too close to the end of the year, say, "Oops, we miscalculated and you won't have enough time to finish the 40 other ones we didn't have you do..."  SERIOUSLY.  No one likes to hire me, cause they think I'm a dropout... they think I didn't care... at least that is what it feels like.

If I had gone to school, if I had graduated and achieved that goal, I could find a job right now and contribute to my family. I could help in this time of CRAP. 

If I had gone to school, I wouldn't feel like I failed little E, and his family. I wouldn't have to look at my 4 year old and feel like a failure when I have to tell her, "we can't do that." or, "No, I don't have the money.".  I would be able to get them the things they NEED, not even wants, I just want them to have what they need. It is really hard on my self worth/self esteem going through all this. Not having anything... and all I do is sit and dwell on the fact that I can't go to school now... HOW would I go to school now?!

If any girl came here, who was in my situation, who got pregnant and was currently in HS, or going to college.... DO NOT QUIT! Ignore the stares, the snide remarks, back stabbing, all that. Focus on bettering yourself for your future. Finish school, and work hard at it. DO YOUR BEST. Make the best of a bad situation.  I wanted to finish school so I could tell E, and my own kids, that I finished, even after making bad choices and being irresponsible and becoming pregnant in HS.  

I can't. And tonight, its eating at me... bad!

I wonder if things will ever be good again. If we'll get through this and be "on top" again... I'm starting to wonder.

I know this is kind of all over the place with the whole idea of this blog. But I have to hope someone will learn from me and FINISH. Don't end up like me, with 3 kids, not able to support them!