Do you wear your past?

I just got back from swimming with my sister and her family. I took the oldest 3 while baby Lenny stayed with her dad. We laughed, played, jumped, threw, and chased each other. It was such a fun and needed day with family. I realized shortly into our day, that being with them made me breath easier, and relax in a way I haven't in months. After getting back to the house, the kids left to go to their grandmas house with their dad. I was about to jump in the shower, when the thoughts started running through my mind. Lately I have thought to myself, "I should write that down so I can write about it later."  And then I continue on doing whatever it is and I forget. Today, was different. 

I have been on a LONG journey learning to love my body for what it is. I have come to accept what it is, what it can be, and what it will be. I am amazed at what it is capable of, and what it can be capable of, and what it will do.

Toady, as I walked to the shower, I looked at my body in a way I haven't before. I noticed that the extra sun I got from being outside the last 2 days, has accentuated those beautiful stretchmarks I received when I got pregnant with my children. I don't really think they are beautiful, I know other women do, but I don't. What I DO think, is that they are a visible sign of my past, my motherhood, my ability that I was lucky enough to be able to carry 5 children. It is a visible appearance of choices made, of stress, of sadness, of heartbreak. It is the ability to see redemption, faith, hope, and love. 

As a birth mother, I still get told that I should just, "let it go, and move on...", and so on and so forth. Something that I don't believe many realize, is that even though we could, MAYBE, forget those babies we loved so much, some of us have daily reminders of them.  I feared being intimate after placing that baby for adoption. I feared dating, and being close to anyone, because then someday they would actually SEE me. They would see the marks, they would SEE my past. 

Some of us LITERALLY WEAR our pasts. We do not choose to hang on and remember every day; or do we really even want to remember in the beginning.  But, my choices led to a pregnancy, which led to my body changing, stretching, moving, and becoming something opposite of what it was prior. My past has not faded physically, but has even been more accentuated because of the other children I had. If it were not for those stretchmarks, I probably wouldn't remember daily. I probably would not have been so scared and closed off.  Then again, I probably would have been the same because I was so changed. I was so different. I was trying so hard to be something I wasn't, and hide something I was. 

I wear my history on my body. 

Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes its joyful. Sometimes I accept it; and sometimes I do not. I felt imperfect, and I believe many of the boys a dated after thought so as well. That is why they didn't last, or didn't even begin. There is more to having a fresh start, for us as birth mothers, when we physically see our past. It is hard to move forward, it is hard to forgive, its especially hard to feel like we fit in. 

Remember, for us, that we wear our past. Most of us do, anyway. We won't forget. We will have fear about our future spouse, our families, the people we date... Will they believe we are worthy if they SEE my history?  Remember for us, adoptive families, that we don't forget and that we love you. That the moments when we may not like you as we grieve, that we DO remember why we chose you.  That we have to hold onto the reminders that we are Daughters of God, Daughters of a King. That despite our choices, our failures, our fears... that He is waiting for us to allow him to forgive us. For His grace, his love, his mercy. 

I know I need to remember that right now more than I ever have before... 

I am enough. I am imperfectly perfect. I am loved. I am lifted. I am His. I am a Daughter of God.

So are you. We can wear our pasts, and do so with class, with self confidence, and with a desire to continue to make better choices. WE ARE SO UNBELIEVABLY ENOUGH. 

She Doesn't Have Days Like This

** Disclaimer **  please be gentle with me. This is hard.

~ She gets the laundry done

~ The dishes don't pile up

~ Chores get done 

~ Kids don't fight with her

~ She gets dressed, and her hair gets done every day

~ Prayers & Scripture study are daily

~ She doesn't yell

~ She doesn't threaten

~ She doesn't get frustrated

She WANTS to be a mom.

I have had these thoughts running through my mind, continuously, for 2 weeks. To the point I even wrote it all out in one of my "thought journals". Its been a hard few weeks being a mom. So... I guess I'll share a story:

I wasn't married when I got pregnant with E (NO REALLY?  I am sure you didn't know that). I wasn't married with I got pregnant with my oldest little Louis either.  (didn't know that one did ya?)

I wasn't in a bad relationship, I wasn't sleeping around, I wasn't doing anything bad... except, oh ya, having sex before I was married. There was one HUGE difference, no really there was.

My husband and I got engaged in November. We went and spent Thanksgiving with my family that following weekend to "celebrate" and share the engagement.  We had already planned that we wanted to be married in the LDS Temple (I am LDS, and you can learn more about the temple here) and we would do that the following October. On the way home from that trip we decided that we needed to change our plans. There was no reason why(at that point) for this change, other than us feeling like it was something we should do. That meant no temple marriage at that point. That meant a lot of questions, or angry people, but we felt it was right.  So we moved up the date. 

In that time we still tried to be good... ya know.. good to not sleeping together... and then I needed to take a pregnancy test in January... and it was positive. 

Lets be honest, I was NOT ready to be a mother. Yes, the circumstances were different, and in my favor (for the most part), but I was still not ready.   As we sat in the bathroom, looking at those lines, I even said OUT LOUD, "Maybe we shouldn't get married. Are you sure you want to get married. I don't want people to think we are getting married because of this. ARE YOU SURE?"

He laughed, because of course he wanted to marry me,(who wouldn't right LOL) So we talked to our families about what the situation was... and it was WORSE than the first time. I HATED every second of it! 

And we moved forward with our planned wedding date. 

So, we got married, and i was 3 months pregnant, and it was a drama filled day. And we went on our honeymoon, and I was sick, and we had a baby. 

I was not ready to be a mom.
We were living with his parents to save money. To prepare for the upcoming life change. It was rough.
he worked 2 jobs. I worked 1 job, until i almost had a baby 6 weeks early, then i hung out for a bit. I thought I was ready. I thought I could do it. I thought that I would be the best mom in the world. I thought... I paid the ultimate price, and sacrificed a whole lot, so that I could be a mom, in the right circumstances, someday.  Oh boy was there a wake up call to be had.

I realized REAL quick... it wasn't all I had hoped.

She cried, A LOT.
She spit up, A LOT. And not just little spits. Spits, as in me having to change my clothes MULTIPLE times a day.  She was a great baby during the day, but I could not help her at night. I was tired. She was tired. WE were tired. Many nights her dad got up to be sobbing, and her sobbing, and I went to the bathroom and cried, and he held her in the rocking chair and consoled her. What in the world was wrong with me?!  Why couldn't I take care of her?!
 3 1/2 years later I had my 2nd of my own. Lots of curve balls thrown in before and after her birth. 9 1/2 months later, and six weeks earlier than planned, baby #3 joined the clan.

And here we are...

Dishes pile up.
laundry doesn't get done. Or only gets half done.
Chores don't get done.(or do because I end up having a nervous breakdown)
 Louis fights me CONSTANTLY, and littles #2 & 3 are joining in.
I rarely get dressed anymore. And makeup is very optional.(even if I get dressed)
I don't pray or read daily, at least not on my own.
I yell.... a LOT.
I make dumb threats all the time.
And I feel like a failure 99.999% of the time.
Right now... I don't want to be a mom.

I didn't believe anything other than S being perfect. I still believe she is. I have only been around her 6 times in 11 years, but in that time I KNOW who she is. She is the most soft spoken, caring, loving, honest, hardworking, positive person on the planet(NO JOKE).  I have been around their family. And I am equally positive that they are the same way. They are INCREDIBLE parents. Encouraging, and patient, and kind, and PERFECT.  I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see her parent her children. I wish I knew what I could do, because I am so far from being like her. 
I always wanted (and still want) to be like her. I want to be the kind of wife and mother she is. I want to have a soft voice. A loving soul. I want to work on being perfect, because she works so hard, and as achieving that perfection.


I know i have seen many adoptive families having a hard time being "perfect".  The thing is, you ARE perfect. You are prefect for us. You are perfect for the expectant parents looking for the forever family to their babies. You are the perfect match for each person you come to.  Perfection, though, doesn't mean you are perfect. Perfection, in my eyes as a birth parent, is trying daily to do your best. I want real, I want mistakes. Knowing that you AREN'T perfect is an answer to prayers. Because we want to meet your expectations. We want to be positive, and better than we were yesterday. We want to exceed our own expectations, so that if there is openness, if there is a meeting later in the years, that we can say, I DID IT!
We want to be the parents to our own kids, that you are to yours. Those children we placed belong with you. When we chose you, we chose what we knew to be right.

Does it make it better or easier for me today? No... to be honest.
Today... OK for a few weeks... I just don't want to be a mom. Because I am failing them. I am failing myself. I am failing their dad. I am failing the expectations I set for me. I am failing at achieving even the SLIGHTEST bit of perfection that She is. I am not even close. And right now, it just makes me want to cry.

So today... I'll cry... and tomorrow I'll reevaluate and post again. So I'll have to finish with this quote:

And I know it all to well.

October: Adoption Love Link-up

I love my little family, and all that they have done with me for adoption. I have had a very supportive husband always encouraging me to go to events, groups, and blogs:). I have been very open about my adoption, so my kids, as well, have always been aware of little E and his family. 

One thing we do, and why I haven't documented it I can't figure out why, is have blueberry muffins on his birthday, plop a candle in the middle and POP. It has been a family tradition of mine growing up, and its one of my FAVORITE things to do.  OK, so its my absolute favorite thing to do. We do it for each person in the family, and my littles got to join in and HELP make the muffins this year(who knew they'd be awake to help).  We love celebrating that little man and his family!

We love calling and sending the "happy birthday" song through text, and try to remember each birthday. 

I am often amazed at my littlest, and how loving and careful she is when she gets to tell someone that I am a birth mom, and that she has a half brother, and that his "whole family loves her too". She loves adoption, she loves what she understands, and what she has gained. She loves showing off him and his family, and saying to her brother and sister who he is.  

How do I hope to be included???

They send me flowers every year on his birthday!  On HIS birthday, they send ME flowers!  They don't need to do that, they don't need to celebrate me, or whatever, because its his day!  But I can't complain, and I will admit that I do love it, because I feel they remember me. I feel honored!

I hope to be able to be there for a birthday one day.  When we are all ready, if that time comes, it would be a blast. When I think of the birthdays I would love to be there for, while all would be fun, its the ones that in our religion, are bigger deals 8 -12 -18 - or any in between:)  

Its hard because its not just about wanting to be there for his birthday. While I want to be there to celebrate him, I want to see him celebrate with HIS family!  Oh it would be cool!

so there we are:)

 

-Jena

A Postivie Test

I took a pregnancy test 6 weeks ago.  It  said + . 

1 week ago, I had an ultrasound, and I saw that flutter.  I saw that bean.  And it was living.

3 days ago I got to see it again, and HEAR it, and it was living.

I have been waiting and waiting to share this information.  I have been blessed immensely to be able to bare children. But I missed something in my Journey after Placement.  I missed how this affected those not able to see those + signs, to hear that heart beat, or see that flutter.  

The "happy Sad" is here.  I am so happy... but so hurting.  I never EVER thought of this as a bad thing.  I KNOW ITS NOT A BAD THING, but when you learn and some of your absolute best friends don't have a reason for the infertility... IT HURTS.  I wish I could put this baby in one -  ALL - of their bellies... I didn't know how it would affect ME.  Until I learned how it hurt THEM.

In my journey, up until 2 years ago, I didn't know much of what the "hopeful adoptive" or those who have failed medically "helped"(sorry brain is farting over here) over and over and over.  Then, when i did... this news... although exciting... has also turned painful.  More than just hoping that I wasn't hurting my dear friends who are struggling with fertility; you come to know those that have had a child, are struggling, and you see it posted all over. "Why is everyone getting pregnant and I'm not?"  ...  "5 friends in one day announced they're pregnant..."   It hurts more when you didn't know.  Makes me want to delete it and make it go away.  

I didn't ever think that S would be "hurt" by my pregnancies.  And though I KNOW(without a doubt) that she was/is happy for me, did it hurt her as well?    My dear bestest lovie friend Candace, when I told her I was pregnant last year,  let me know how it felt.  She let me know because I WANTED to know... I NEEDED to know.  She was so kind, and so loving, and shared with me some super deep and sacred feelings.  Not once did she make me feel guilt about being pregnant, but more so made me with I could share this experience with her step by step.  She taught me SO MUCH.

In the last year I have met so many amazing women.  Those birth moms, adoptive moms, hopeful adoptive, 'infertility treatment' moms(what do you call those women?!), and one thing is clear.  We all truly love and cherish each others feelings, and want to learn more about the other. We want to be there to support and love on each other. To show that we will do what we can to help.   That where there is joy, there is also pain.  That happiness can be sadness, and even if your happiness is someones sadness, you can lift them and love them.  Our stories are all so different.  I wish my story was able to be shared with others. I wish those mommies who can't have children biologically... could.  Oh how one of the happiest moments is to hear of others becoming families.  All ways are good.  I am blessing because of my part, in creating a family. 

now im babbling... and no idea where i want to go from here... so i hope this even is understandable...

Photo-A-Day part Duex

Day 4: The Hardest Decision

There is something about this picture... there are 4 hands here. R's, S's, Mine, & BF's.

What this represents to me is that we are all there, carrying and loving that angel boy. That we are all there for his best interest. That we LOVE him, all of us. 

Why was this the hardest decision?  Because I was his mom. Because he was still mine. Because as a mother, I can't imagine placing one of my babies I have now. I don't know how I did it then. I truly had to be carried by the Love of my Father in Heaven. To have the Spirit remind my soul and heart over and over that it was right.  Letting him out of my arms. was. the. hardest. decision. But it was right. Oh I know it, and I'll never doubt it. I can't explain it, its only something a Birth Parent can understand.  But I love him. I love love love him and his mom and dad. HIS MOM and DAD!!!!

“Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful...” Jose N. Harris

Day 5: The Best Memory

Each of these memories are the best. Each have brought me different experiences, different love, different challenges.

Bottom left: My angel boy & myself. It was heart wrenching, and joyful all at one moment. 

Bottom right: Myself and my first little. Lou. Oh I was in sticker shock after having her... "uh... what do i do?" What do you do when you finally get to take them home?!

Top left: my chubby Roo and myself.  She had breathing problems that scared me to death.

Top right: Myself and my Bubba.  Six weeks early, broke my heart, and didn't get to hold him all but 4 times in his first week of life. Holy my heart. 

These moments rocked me. Each and every one. But they are all the best:)

Day 6: My View

View one and two. Both of the same day, both only MINUTES between.  

The thing that expectant moms/dads/parents, married or not, need to know....  

BEING A PARENT IS HARD HARD HARD.  

It is a battle of demons every day to not scream. To not mull over the little things. To remember that, if they ate breakfast, and aren't willing/wanting to eat lunch, they'll eat when they're hungry. And if they decide to not listed to me, and the end up shattering a bottle of jelly... hopefully they'll have learned their lesson!

 Is it hard, and frustrating, and do I question myself every day.  YUP. But I am grateful that I get to be a mother. I am even more grateful I get to be married to a man who is a great father. 

I am blessed because my angel boy has a mom and dad who can provide everything he will ever want/need. They can support him physically, emotionally, spiritually, temporally.  Its pretty incredible seeing them interact as a family, to hear the little voices while I talk to his mom.  

Adoption Photo-A-Day part 1

Day 1. How I relate to Adoption

I am  Birth Momma. I am proud of that. It took a long time to be proud of that, but I am now.

I am a Birth Mom. I am a real Mom. I am a sister. I am a daughter. I am a friend. I am a fighter.

 I am a listener. I am a promise maker. I am a faith holder. I am a lover. I am a procrastinator. 

I am a perfectionist.  I am me.

"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you." Dr. Suess

Day 2: Bravery

"Brave. Walking out my patents front door. I didn't want to do it. And it to an unbelievable amount of bravery to do it. #adoptionchallenge #naam #brave #adoptionabc" taken from my Instagram

It really was the worst feeling... walking out my parents front door, to take that angel boy to his mom and dad. I didn't want to. I even asked BF if we could just not go. If we could just stay there. It made me sick, I still don't know how I got from my parents, to the car, to the meeting place, and back home.  Its a blur. But It was necessary, and it was absolutely right. 

"Bravery, is finding something more important that fear." -unknown

Day 3: My Family

I know, the quality is well... meh.  And Lou's face, well it was WAY to bright to face that way.  

But this is my family. This is what I have to show 10 years later. I don't have a degree, I don't have lots of money, I don't have a bunch of travel stamps. I have a husband, who works so hard. I have 3 beautiful children who are all so different its hurts. And i love them.  Its far from perfect, but we are still in the beginning:).  I love them. They love me. And its a perfect imperfection.

"Family is not an important thing, ts everything." - Michael J. Fox

BE MORE

I remember when I came to a point, just a few years ago, that I felt like I wanted to be "more than just a Birth Mom".  I think my own progression wasn't going where I wanted it to because I was still so angry with some people, and going through more hard things. 

I remember writing a letter to S asking her to know that I think of her more than just as E's Mom. I think of her as my sister. So on and so on. I remember something in the area of, "I hope that our relationship is more than just that of his Birth Mom, and you guys his Birth Parents.". I am not sure where those feelings came from, or whey they stayed.  I am not aware of the moment when I truly felt as if I were done being just his Birth Mom, and being family.  BUT, I do know that with clarity, faith, discussions, and blessings, I have finally gotten over some huge obstacles in my life.

Yesterday I received a Christmas card from S's sister. She is my age, she is GORGEOUS, and she and I have only met once!  She has had some incredibly life changing moments in the last 5-6 years of her life. And she is such an example of sticking with it. Of a beacon of light, of faith, of strength. More and more this family is feeling like... my family:).  I can't explain that in my personal story, how much I LOVED getting that Christmas card.  How much it meant to me. It meant we were more than just a couple people.  

I am so so grateful for those that came into my life because of R, S, E, A, & A:).  Seriously, i know that has to be funny:)(the initial thing).  I am grateful for their parents. I am so grateful for their siblings, for the beauty of their children.  

When we lived in AZ for a couple months, I got to go visit S's parents often.  On one occasion I'd brought along baby Mak, and it just so happened that Annie & her kids were coming over.  I wondered if I should go, as to not make anyone uncomfortable.  I was taken back when Nana said, "Oh you need to stay so T can see the baby!."  I was taken back again as if it was seeing someone I'd missed so much and we just picked up where we left off.  It was so fun meeting her kids. To join more family. 

Adoption is a wonderful world. Adoption has so many positive aspects. I really can only think of one negative... ok 2. One being the bad memories of the BF, and the fact that I pulled an awesome one and got pregnant before I got married. I rule I tell ya:).  I am so grateful for the family that  I have gained. I am pretty sure that I will NEVER go long before I say to someone, post on here, or write in my personal journal how much I love this family and how they mean so much to me.   WHAT A BLESSING.  

I can't wait to send out their cards:)

(no this is not it, the picture is... but the writing and plain-ness is not:))

my very first little

On Friday, we celebrated my very first Little's birthday!!!!

5 years old, and so tall, and blond, and beautiful! 

Little did I know, that she would be my loudest, craziest, grumpiest little ever. If she doesn't get the sleep she needs, you know it. And she tries ever so hard to be a grown up. Tonight she posed the question, "Why can't I just be an adult like you and do the things you do?" I wish I could go back to her little days and wish to be big, instead of actually being big.

I remember that day, the day she decided she was ready to come see us. It was a Sunday, just like E, and I started having contractions, just like E. I even went to church and sat through DJ teaching our Sunday School class. Just like with baby E.  It was oddly the same, even left the for the hospital at the same time.  It was a quick 5 hours, I got scared and had the epidural too soon, and didn't dare tell them it was too much. So, we slowed a bit.  BUT, in that time, I got to talk about how I was gong to have my own baby. I was going to be able to bring her to my house, and name her, and take care of her. I would be the one to witness all those "firsts".  I was so excited.

Once I saw her precious little face, my heart came to my throat and about choked me.  I couldn't believe how much I loved her. I said a little prayer, thanking my Heavenly Father for allowing me to bring E to the world, so that I would be so much more grateful to this little angel!  The first thing I said,... "what do I do now?"  I didn't nurse E, how was I supposed to do that with her? What could I do? I didn't know what to do with a baby of my own. I didn't put her down once in the hospital... and her poor daddy didn't get to snuggle her much for probably 2 weeks straight!  I couldn't put her down, I was afraid I'd wake up from this dream and she'd be gone.  I finally relaxed. She was here. She was my very own. And I loved her!

Happy birthday to the cutest 5 year old EVER!!

My Lou

Having started this blog, I find myself holding my kids a little more than usual. I also seem to give them endless kisses(as if I didn't before), and look at them as much as possible. I don't know if it is the blog, and remember how much I yearned for my own children. Or, if its because of all those other blogs about families who have lost a child, or a child has been severely injured, or something of that sort. 

Today, had to be the highest of highs with all the kissing and loving.

Mostly i noticed because of how my house looked before I headed out the door to go work... WHOA! You would have thought a tornado hit it!  But, today, I held my Lou, Roo, and Kage. Roo and I read ENDLESS books, its the cutest when she looks at you with book in hand and turns around, slowly walking back to sit on your lap. Or when she tries to do so while I am holding little bro.  Lou just wanted me to do fishtail  braids in her barbies hair... then she and I cleaned up her room. Mostly she did, she will have to learn sometime, but I was there to help when she needed me to.  She needs some alone time for sure(alone time with me)!  Kage just wanted to be held, seriously, ALL DAY LONG. He was so fussy, unless I was holding him. He even got THE. WORST. sad face ever when Papa C was holding him! It was sad!  

Though it was rough with little #3, I couldn't have asked for anything better. I can't get enough kisses, enough hugs, enough everything. Playing and hearing them laugh, makes every heart ache worth it. It makes every moment, every tear, every frustration ... easier. 

I pray that my children will be safe, and that nothing will EVER happen to them. I pray that they won't make the choices I made, and that they will have a Rock of a Testimony, so that they will be able to make those tough choices a bit easier.  I can't say that nothing will ever happen, I don't think I could handle anything happening, but if it does, I need to remember today.

Little E made these moments better. I always say that there are only 1 group of people who can love their children as much as a mother who has placed. That is the couple that FINALLY gets to have their family. Those adoptive parents, only get it FULLY.  I never had to wonder if he would be loved, I knew he would. He would be loved more than any other baby in the world!!!  And I knew that, when I became a parent, I was going to take that SO seriously. That I was going to Love them and give them more love than anyone could EVER. I have not been the best parent, part of the problem being my patience, and my self worth... but I am learning a lot. Mostly, I am learning from one inspired 4 year old, who sat down with me and said, "Mommy, it makes me sad that you don't come to church with me." Tears streaming down her face. Who has re-lit my fire. Who has reminded me that its about the Gospel, its about Christ, and Heavenly Father. It is NOT about the people, because they are imperfect.  

I am SO grateful for my family.

Mothers Day

Mothers Day 2003:

I don't remember it really. It had been a month since I found out I was pregnant. I don't think there was much talk of me being a mother at that time. And I didn't know, at that moment, that Adoption was the road I would be taking. It was all up in the air... a lot of confusion. I wish i remembered what I was doing.

(time to pull out the journals, calendars, etc for memories.)

Mothers Day 2004:

I wasn't sure how I was going to feel that day. I wasn't sure that it would bother me, or more so, that it would bother me not being recognized being a mother. I was a mother, just a different kind. I still had an aching in my heart so great that I was about to burst. I wanted to be left alone, and I was living with my parents by that point. I remember watching some "after school special" about a girl who got pregnant and placed her baby after trying to "hide" the pregnancy. They'd decided her mom would raise the baby as her own, and then the daughter didn't like that not long after. She couldn't go to school or work or anything when she decided to try to parent on her own. She decided to place him not long after(while he was quite a bit older). 

The one quote in the movie that still is with me today:

"Only I know how much she loves me, because I got to hear to heart from the inside."

I cried... lots... and then got called upstairs for dinner. I pulled myself together and went up. You couldn't tell I'd cried, but you could tell it was a rough day. I sat down at the table, my mom, older sister and her husband, and my younger sister and brother were there... My dad looked at me and said, "Happy Mothers Day". I cried.

I wanted SOMEONE to acknowledge that I was a mom. i craved for it all day. I carried that little guy... Then he said it and all I could do was cry. I missed that baby so much, and I was so jealous, and so happy at the same time, for his new mommy. For his right mommy. 

Mothers Day 2012:

I got to go visit my mom this year, just me and my newest little man.

I didn't remember it was going to be Mothers Day. But it was kind of nice that way. Not until after, did I realize, that I had my first MD with my own son, just he and I, 8 years later. I was back at the same table, at the same time, and with almost the exact same people. But this time, I sat there with my own son. With a little boy that was mine. Another affirmation that placing little E with his family was right. He was theirs. He was sent to me, to get to them. And this new little guy, he was MINE. We bonded. And I could celebrate even more with E's mom, my now sister and less his adoptive mom, of the happiness she had. 

Today I am so blessed to have my little guy here. That I get to experience all those "firsts". And that I can celebrate even more with S; the joy of having a son. I am so happy that I get to be a part of such a great group of women. I am grateful to be a mother to 2 beautiful girls, and 1 handsome little guy. I am beyond blessed. Life is not easy, but I get to choose to be happy. To relish in the laughter and imagination of my very own kids. I get to be even more lucky that most moms, because I am more grateful for my kids than they can ever be:) (OK so that part might no be completely true, but I feel it is(

You feel a great loss after placing a child for adoption. A Child that you have carried, and bonded with. A Child that you LOVE beyond life itself.  I couldn't wait to be a mom again. To really be a mom, and get to do all those mom things. And when I had my first little girl, it was AMAZING to know I got to take her home, and raise her myself. I held her straight for 2 weeks I'm sure. Maybe longer. I'm glad she chose me, she is quite the little girl. I am glad #2 chose me, and same with the little guy. They are all amazing, and they are all mine!

 Baby Girl K.

Baby Girl MJ

Baby Boy K

AKA, Lou, Roo, & Gus