The Theif of Joy

Remember that time I had the worst day ever?  Heck it may have been the worst day/week/month/year.... but either way, it was the worst.  The only thing that enveloped my mind daily was the fact that E's mom did NOT have days like this. It took a while...(thus I am only writing about this now) but I have recovered;mostly. And I have a new sense of understanding, learning, experience, etc etc.

We've all heard it, we've all seen it, and very often we've all been angered by it.  But seeing it at the moment I did, just before I'd posted, it was something that shot straight to my heart and made me start to wake up. "You can't compare your beginning to someone elses' middle."

Two quotes that have ran through my mind very often this month of December.  Many times in the frustration of dealing with children. Or in moments of "new this and new that" for many people.  I have to remember that I have had to go through things in the last 10 years that others never will.  I have had to endure much heartache in that time from many different things, that others never will.  While I do get angry often because of it, I have a knowledge and understanding that others don't.  I have had experiences that have allowed me to be there for others who thought they were alone.  

I have had to remember how prepared S & R were to be parents.  Both college graduates, both steady jobs for at least a few years before  becoming parents, very smart with their money.  Then I had to remember what they had to do in order to be 'approved' to adopt.  The classes, the home studies, the panels, and so much stuff I can't even imagine.  I had to remember that they're at a point I am not, and they have had time etc to get there.  And hello, what better examples to have?!  Faith and love and everything I could ever want in a marriage/friendship is visible with those two.  What I should have been doing was watching, and applying their parenting style in my own life. Not necessarily identically, because I'll never be as they are, but I could do better, and by golly they're amazing parents!  I sat and looked in the past at all they have done, and do, and compared my 7 1/2 married years to their 12+, the thief was there.

Comparison to them eventually turned to comparison to myself and most every person I've come in contact with in my lifetime.  "look where they are... and I'm just here.", "I have tried this and this and this... and they do that and that and that... ", Many times I have knelt in prayer, and have been so frustrated, that I couldn't get the words out.  I always turned into the..."I try SO STINKING HARD" I always do my best, and these people over here lie, cheat, steal, etc etc... and they have it all.  I gave up a couple years ago; took me a year + to get even started in what i quit.  I came to that point again when I wrote that. I was ready to quit. I was ready to walk away from it all.  This is not worth it.  

I struggle, OFTEN, with comparison.  In turn, I struggle with faith, and my willingness to put my emotions and life in the Lords hands.  I constantly say I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I QUIT. I GIVE UP. THIS ISN'T WORTH IT.  I forgot how to pray, to pray and LISTEN to what my Heavenly Father wants me to learn, and see, and do. Because I lost faith in Him, I was robbed of joy.  I was robbed of joy because of myself.  I look at the bad, and ignore the good.  That has to change.  

My beginning has stunk... but my middle and end will be grand.  They have to be, He has promised me, and it will.  

It comes in adoption that you compare your story to others. There are to many differences in EVERY SINGLE situation, that there should be no room for comparison.  You need to pick out the GOOD, the JOY, in your story. There is good to be found in everything, EVERYTHING.  I am finally taking the initiative from Blessings in a Basket/Big Tough Girl and starting a daily gratitude journal.  And a family gratitude jar/journal, won't you join me.

-jena

Adoption Love Link-Up

So, there is this AMAZING girl, Kristen, and we have never met... EVER. She is gorgeous, kind, heartfelt, honest, and the adoptive mom, to the most GORGEOUS little baby ever! Not only that, she is also the mommy to her angel baby, Evelyn, who is in the arms of her Father in Heaven!  She is so strong, and amazing!!!   Its been awe inspiring reading her story, seeing a tiny bit into her life, and just loving her!

So, she started something so fun, and intriguing; Adoption Love Link-Up(see side bar). 

I am lucky enough to be part of the link up party!!!  So here is my first ever Adoption Love INTRO!!!

My name is Jena - I am 30 something, and i LOVE adoption.

The life that lead me to adoption wasn't anything truly crazy or extravagant, or even interesting.

I was in HS, and became involved with a boy out of high school. He was "so cute", and "so cool", and made me feel like I was so cute and cool too.  But I also felt stuck, and scared, and many other things. 

In that relationship I became pregnant, after 3 months of dating. We spend the next 8 months going up and down in our relationship, all while trying to navigate what to do with this child we'd created. 

In the end, we chose adoption. He stayed around to help me through, and wasn't TOTALLY bad, but we were toxic. He was there, signed the relinquishment papers together, and was there to place our son into the arms of his amazing mom and dad.

I am now 11 years and 2 days post placement, and I DO NOT regret my choice to place at all. I know that little man is EXACTLY where he was meant to be. I feel blessed and honored to be his Birth Mom. Though getting there wasn't glamorous or cool, I am proud of what it taught me, and continues to teach me. 

He is so smart, loving, caring, and handsome. He has the best mom and dad that have given him every opportunity to search out his joys, his talents, and love of life. They are GORGEOUS, and their families are just as amazing!  I wish I lived closer so I could love on them all more, but we know its OK this way!  

I am also a Mommy to 3 1/2 littles. Lou, Roo, Bubba, and little Miss #4 is due in February.

I love playing with my littles, coloring, and singing and having dance parties all day!  My hubby supports my crazy love for adoption, and you can see him blog here too!(though very sporadically) He is a huge support and push to achieve my dreams with adoption!

I am a Mom, a wife, daughter in law, sis in law, sister, and daughter:)  SO MUCH MORE.

I am a write for BTG, and love public speaking.I am part of an amazing community at Open Adoption, Open Heart, and LOVE those I've come in contact with because of adoption!!!

I can't wait to continue this journey, and now be part of this amazing link-up!  I hope to make more friends, and have more fun than ever!!!  

-Jena

A Little Dream

I really can't imagine very many "firsts" happening 11 years after placement.  I never thought about them, or thought about there being more.  Granted, there are always the first birthday, walk, lost tooth, mommy, daddy, first day of school, etc etc.  Then there are first for us Birth Mothers, 1 year anniversary, the first holidays after placement. Little things here and there.

Last night, I had a dream.  I have NEVER dreamed about that boy I placed. I have never dreamed about ANYTHING of my adoption.  Not a single night, in the last 11 years, have I dreamt about anything related to adoption. NOTHING, zero, zilch.  Then... I did last night.

I am participating in a class put on by Blessings in a Basket. Journaling the Adoption ABC's.  I did this last year as well.. but I think I focused more on the "oh I want my journal to be cute and creative" rather than the emotions and lessons.  This year, its very much about the lessons, and not about the cutesy tootsie of it all.  A was about Acceptance...  I read over and over the lesson... and I then listed ALL the things that I needed to accept.  I started with the past:  the biggest one being I CAN'T TURN BACK TIME, it is done, and it can not be changed.

Present:  That people who weren't involved in my story still get angry when they shouldn't.

that people I wish would care more, don't.

that i can ask, but it doesn't mean i will receive.

Future:  that it will ALWAYS change.  Good and bad, up and down, right and left. 

I had thought about it a lot... and then I had a dream.  I get to participate in something being done by Adoption.com, I guess maybe the combination of that, and this lesson, triggered something in my brain.

I dreamt of that boy, and his mom, and dad.  It kind of messed me up this morning, not in a bad way, but in a WOW way, because it felt so real.

 So here is what happened:

I don't know what we were all gathering for, but I know I had written a letter asking them if they would join me for whatever it was. I didn't get a response, but the people in charge told me to come anyway.  As I arrived at the location(which looked like an LDS church), I saw their car.  I became very nervous.  As I walked to the room and turned in, I saw little E(well not little he was as big as he is now), and immediately backed out.  Why?  Because I didn't want to be there unless it was OK with his mom and dad.  I looked into the room that I could still see.  Ashely, with BIB was there, my old case worker, a new caseworker, girls from BMB, and a few other people i didn't recognize.  They could tell I was panicked, and I saw E's mom and dad at a table. Their backs were turned so they didn't see me when I walked in that first time.  

They waved to me to come in,  and I froze. I whispered, "are you sure its OK?"  "Are his mom and dad OK with me being here?"  .... "Yes, come in."  I was REALLY nervous, and it really... really felt like I was in that room.  I walked in, E looked up, his mom turned around.. and E RAN for me.  He ran and Hugged me.  Those arms around me and a big, "HI JENA!!!!"  I cried, and cried.  I cried because I was scared.  I didn't want his mom to be mad that he was giving me a hug. I didn't want her to be mad because maybe she thought "you're not his mom".  I was scared that they would be uncomfortable with it.  

I cried, because that little boy, with HIS MOM AND DAD, was right there, hugging me.  It was so different and so good.  I didn't feel like his mom, but I did feel like he had a HUGE chunk of my heart.  I loved him with my ENTIRE heart, and at that moment, a dream came true.  I looked up at his momma, tears streaming down my face, and barely being able to see her expressions... I saw her smile.  

 

Then I woke up.

I know I have mentioned before how much I miss this family. How much I can't wait for the day that I can hug that little boy and feel his arms around my neck - or waist  - whichever it will be.  That in THEIR time and HIS time I know it can happen.  Even as I sit here I feel those exact emotions as in the dream.  Yup.. picture me crying right now... its happening... It was so real.  I know they love me.  I know he loves me. I know he doesn't know me, but he will someday.  He will know that I am not his mom, but I love him just the same.  He will know he is with his eternal family.  It brings absolute joy and peace to my heart.  No matter if that hug comes in real life or not, that hug, in that dream, was real.  

There are so many unanswered questions in my story.  Who knows if they will be answered, or in what time frame.  I definitely have to trust in my Father in Heaven, and rely on him to keep me anchored.  He has testified, again, that it was right.  He(my Father in Heaven)  made me SEE that gorgeous smile of E's mom and love of his dad.  They are such a blessing in my life - in every capacity. And oh how I miss them, I wish I could talk to them every day... or close to ha ha.

I can't believe that I had a dream, the first dream, 11 years later.  Why now???  Either way, it healed a part of me again... who knew... more healing:)

** the pictures on this entry are not mine... but i can't seem to link them to anywhere... so if ya know.. please share! I like to give credit where credit is due ***

More Cool News

I found Ashley, from Blessings in a Basket, probable a year ago.  Honestly, I dont' know how long its been, because I often forget things like that when I find people/groups i love to no end.  

So any whoosers. I found Ashley, and ended up being able to meet her in REAL LIFE in November at an adoption event in Southern Utah.  It wasn't what we'd planned(as far as that we didn't really plan much), but she was AMAZING.  She was so kind, she was so strong, she was real.  She had an enthusiasm  for life, for adoption, for healing, for helping.  It was amazing.  Not only that, she introduced me to so many other adoption groups as well!!!  Not only that.. she is holding an AWESOME class that I participated in last year, Journaling the Adoption ABC's.... do you remember? :)  So I get to do that again this years as well. Much has changed, lots to add to the story, loads to take away, and growth multiplied by a MILLION!!! She also has a fun yearly event she puts together that's CRAZY on  my bucket list!!!

So ... ENJOY!!!

So... Take a look here, at a new thing I get the AMAZING opportunity to do.  Things are quite crazy around here, so I have yet to keep my end up... but hopefully this weekend I can get something done. 

Either way, go check THIS out... SO SO SO COOL!!!! scroll down:)

The Body of a Birth Mother

Ah the post baby, post placement, post par tum depression, the post body.

The body of the Birth Mother.

"Your body isn't ruined. You're a tiger who earned those stripes."

Really, whoever came up with that analogy should be smacked in the face.  It must not be a woman.. it must not be me. I have never liked that quote, i have never liked my stretch marks. Maybe I would have felt differently? If I hadn't placed a child and my marks would have meant different?  The reminded me that no one was going to want someone with a battered body. No, they weren't bad(after my first baby), but they were enough for me. I hated the thought of having to have someone ever see those. And then what would they remind them of?  That i was 'used goods'. 

"No one is ever going to want to be with me ... and now no one will ever want me because I'm "used"."

I can't count how many times I heard this come out of my mouth. "I'm used."  It was said so eloquently in moments where I was ready to walk away.  "no one is going to want someone who had a kid..."  LUST people LUST will get you every time. Love pulls you through the mud and picks you up and cleans you off.  Lust kills ya! I didn't need to hear it from anyone else... it was enough to hear it from myself.

I thought that because I didn't actually HAVE a baby, that it wouldn't matter. That I would still be OK.  That I would still be able to date and grow, and learn, and avoid that ugly side. It didn't take long(a year really) to learn that dating, even if I wasn't a "mom", was hard. Was it just as hard as if I had kept him?  I don't know, I have never had a child and had to attempt dating. I don't think either are easy.  Those moments that you get introduced to someone, or a group of someones, and you get that "oh she had a baby" look.  Many nights going out wondering how I could keep going out with these girls when I was the "black sheep".  I was the used goods... i was ... ugly.  Who was going to want someone with stretch marks?

Plenty of dates were gone one. Plenty ended in not another date. It really was shocking though, some of those dates.  How they would treat me ... things they would say.  Now, I can look back and blame it on immaturity and being uneducated in the adoption department.  But the thing is, you walk around, and the majority of women who have placed  a child will feel exactly as I did.  It isn't that people aren't educated. Really, its that not much has changed in that area. Boys are still there, immature, and not ready to be with someone who has done what we have. We will go out, have a good time, tell them we had a baby (if they didn't already know), and that will be the end.

Its rough dating after placement. Its tough to look in the mirror and be "proud of those stripes". Ugh, I hate that term.  I wasn't proud, I was broken. I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror and be OK with what I saw. I looked awful... I felt awful... it was awful.

I didn't think my hubby would date me. I didn't think he would continue to date me. I thought we were buddies(we were, he was my best friend), we had amazing talks, fun cuddling. He made me feel awesome about being a Birth Mom.  And, ladies, there are guys out there who will do this, and mean it. There will be someone out there to love you, and raise you up, and make you feel like the queen you are for what you did.  He gave me a Mothers Day card. I wasn't a mom. I didn't have a baby sitting with me. But I was a Birth Mom. He knew that baby was important to me. He knew that 9 months was what made me who I was.
The moment he said he loved me... it was FOREVER. It was right and I knew it.
My body... wasn't a reason to squirm or run. He made me feel beautiful, strong, and proud. I hadn't felt proud. And it was a wonderful feeling!

We take such care of our stories, of those angel babies. We should take that much care of our bodies.  Take what we look like after, and help it to mold you into the person you want to be. Let it be a reminder of the sacrifice and love we have for those little's. It probably wont change how it makes us feel, really, but it can help in baby steps. As we go through our grief, as we grow through pain, write down something you love about your body each day. Go on a walk and get physical. Your body, mind, and spirit just went through something incredible. And we can take charge and love ourselves just the same.
I pray, a lot, to be able to continue on in my physical journey. I thank my Father in Heaven for the body I have, and what it has accomplished. I also thank him for allowing me to accomplish more, and for helping me to BE thankful. Its not easy, its not perfect, it just is.

you can buy this HERE

We are all beautiful, because though we are slammed with outward appearance being whats important, its not. Have a honest, good, real, joyful character. Be brave and real. Share your story of survival. you deserve to know you are the best!

- Jena

Hope for the Future

Day 30: HOPE FOR THE FUTURE

"Hope for the future. That its gonna be ok. I'm going to make it and we can only get better. As long as I do my part, it will be ok. #adoption challenge #photoaday #adoption #birthmom #30days #itsok #hope"

from Instagram

I hope for Openness. I hope for success. I hope for forgiveness. I hope for Joy. I hope for a life full of love and laughter for ALL who were/are involved in my adoption process. That I cant make anyone see anything but what they want to see. And I can't change what any one thinks. That those who still harbor hard feelings towards me because I was one girl who got pregnant in HS, can see PEOPLE can CHANGE. And that Hopefully, someone, anyone, reading this will gain an insight to what adoption is. What adoption is for me. It isn't always perfect. It isn't always dandelions and roses, but its the best thing that happened to me. It changed me for the better. 

And I am forever grateful for this experience. I hope that I can influence someone to make a decision for themselves and not for anyone else. To think about the child, and not what they want.  That if it is the right choice to Place, that you will have peace.  That the pain will be ever present, but the peace will carry you through.  That if Parenting is right for you, that you will also have peace, understanding and strength to help yourself and that child grow and succeed. If you choose to marry. That you can work together, as a team. To agree to disagree on MANY occasions, but respect and carry and love each other!

It was a month full of changes and growth.  There is nothing better that more steps forward in healing in your adoption journey.  There isn't much left to "heal", somethings that may never be healed, but in time can only be waited upon.  Between this Photo-a-day and the Journaling the Adoption ABC's class, it was a lot to work through. To remember and go through it all, almost over again. But I have learned to laugh at the journal entry's that were kept.  And forgive others for their shortcomings. And that change is good. And I'm looking forward to more time to serve this adoption world/community and hope to help someone in need.

- jena

7-9-11

Day 7:  Childhood

 I always wanted to be a mom. I always said I'd be so cool and I would have sleepovers with my Little's as often as possible.  I'd build forts, play outside, color...  You know, the usual.

The thing is, I haven't done nearly enough of it. But I sure love when we do.  This little girl LOVES late nights/sleepovers. Though, my back doesn't give love to me when she BEGS to sleep on the floor.

And, her attitude doesn't love me when she is up late. so we try to limit this.

Day 8:  LOVE

 Here's the deal ladies and gents. I doubt, seriously, that there is a couple in this world that are more perfect than these two! I love them to death. I hated having to walk away from them after our first meeting. I hated not being able to share all the fun things with them.  I wish I could talk to S EVERY DAY. Just to hear her happiness. I have fallen more head over heels for R every year. He is SO FUNNY. Not kidding, and he is such an amazing amazing daddy!  He pretty much rocks the daddy role.  And, i love them. I could not imagine my life without them in it!  Its hard when we go for a while without chatting!  I miss them so much. Truly truly miss THEM. Not the kids(though I do miss them terribly) But I miss my brother and sister!

Day 9: Openness

Here is the gorgeousness of this photo:

You have momma, and daughter(also an amazing birth momma) on the left. The one and only Big Tough Girl, Ashley in the middle, and LDSFS caseworker Stace on the right. 

Only in this day and age, will you be able to see this group of women together. Miss Shay, beautiful Blondie on the left, had placed only 2 weeks prior.  Not only does she look amazing, but her spirit was so full. She had been able to see her little angel girl a couple times after placement. They have a BEAUTIFUL open adoption and its incredible the healing that comes along with a relationship with that baby, AND those Parents.  Truly awe inspiring.  

BTG, Ashley, is a frigging ROCK STAR. I love her to death, and she is as cool in person as she is on the Internet. She is raw, real, honest, and gives it to ya straight. She is such a support in the Birth Mom community!  She is the one who put on the Adoption ABC's class, that I can't wait to do again:)

Case workers, with good hearts, great faith, and support of decisions based on what those girls want, they are incredible.  Stacey loves her Birth Mommas dearly, and loves her Parenting mommas, and Getting married mommas. They are so so supportive to those girls!  Its all about communication, planning, relying on what you say and do. 

I love openness!

-Jena

H is for Hope

Hope is continuing to see the light. Ashley put it best when she said that the hope she felt going through one trial makes meeting the next one a bit easier. It makes for hoping the pain will lessen, and be lesser.  (not her exact words but you get the picture. 

I am not a good "hope-er" I always seem to fall to the "its never going to get better", "I'm going to die", "God hates me".  Seriously its kinda ridiculous. Until my little Lou said, "Mommy, its OK, It will get better. Give me a hug."  And then, only then, do I have hope.  She is my daily dose of hope.  Should have named her that:)

I have hope, that I'll get a hug from E one day. And that I'll have the relationship with his parents that I hope to have. I love them all dearly. Its amazing, the hope that grows, and gains momentum in short moments.  I had hope they would love him, and they do. And I love them!  Oh how I love my S, and my R! Best parents on the planet!

G is for Guilt

“Maybe there's more we all could have done, but we just have to let the guilt remind us to do better next time.” ― Veronica Roth, Divergent

Oh my Ashley, seriously people you should follow her and listen to her, and read about her just because of her strength, and raw honesty.  She is a HUGE inspiration to my and to so many other Birth Mothers. She is amazing and I am so grateful that she shared her story with me!

Guilt... I feel guilty, still, for hurting my parents. I feel guilty for hurting my missionary, his family, our friends, my friends. I feel guilty for getting involved and letting myself do things I'd never done, and promised never to do.  I can't wake up tomorrow and start over. Even though I want to all to often.  This is where I am.  

I feel guilty for almost NEVER being on time with gifts for E and his family!  I am the. worst. ever. 

 I feel bad for disappointing so many. Even people I didn't know that wouldn't let their kids hang out with me because of what I'd done. That's the worst feeling ever... having the parents talk about you. I want to scream out every time, " I WAS NOT A SLUT. I DIDN'T SLEEP AROUND. I SLEPT WITH ONE PERSON".  Its always a part of my story... "I wasn't a "promiscuous" girl. I didn't have sex with anyone and everyone. I had sex with ONE person. " so on and so on.  ugh, its the worst.  Will I ever not feel guilty? 

Its like I'm trapped. daily.  Stuck in a rut. Does it get better? Can it get better?

F is for Faith

"The key is no matter how small the spark, remember that it is there! Feed it, strengthen it, watch it grow and don't let go of it when times get tough, HOLD ON knuckle white tight!" - Ashley Mitchell, BIB

I had faith during my pregnancy with E. I had to have faith to place him into arms of almost complete strangers and believe that they were supposed to be his parents. I was supposed to have faith that they'd take care of him. I did, and I still do. 

I did not have faith in myself following placement. Even during I didn't have faith that I was worth a dang. Even the BF was out with other girls while I was pregnant. What would someone want with me after having a child?  I didn't have faith in the male population either. Not that I was any better. I had a lot to get over and deal with, and move forward with. I had to grow and to find out who I was/am.  

Its changing. I still struggle with faith. BIG TIME.  WHY?  I have been contemplating on writing a letter for a YEAR. Why can't I just do it. I don't have faith in the response. its horrible... its the worst feeling.

I had a friend tell me, not to long ago, that Faith & Fear can't be in the same place at the same time. I believe they can, but not the same kind of faith and fear. I had faith that E was where he needed to be, where he was/is supposed to be. I was scared that I would break.  The kind of Faith and Fear that i am talking about with my friend, is STRONG CRAZY KICK YOU IN THE BUTT fear. This is crazy that I feel it now, but didn't then.  Maybe I had more faith?  But either way, its true. My heart can not hold Faith, if I let Fear reside in it.  I need to trust in my Father in Heaven. I pray often when I get that feeling in my chest. I usually get it calmed down shortly after.    Either way... I need to have faith. Not Fear.

E is for Extras

Aaah the Cool Whip Diet

one of the best things I've seen. its funny, but it makes sense. DUH.

Lets just say... watch it, and put your own thoughts into it!

The Cool Whip Diet

What am I filling my time with?  I am going to get down on me every second, because I compare myself to most everyone in the "world".   I am not the best mommy, even though I want to be. I don't do all this crafty, cool mom stuff... fail I know. I try to read to my kids daily, I should do it for sure every second of the day. I try to be outside with them, but then i start thinking... if I was a good mom I would do this... and this... and this... like they do.

 If I was a good Birth Mom they would want more of this... or more of that. Id be more on the "in" If I was a good Birth Mom I'd be more proactive it getting the gifts and letters, and other stuff out to E, to his parents, to his brother and sister.  

All i can do is fill my time RIGHT. Less of some things, more of others.  I want to do better. I will do better.

 the extras

bunch of extras

D is for Decisions

Decisions Decisions.

I remember so many nights, trying to make an official decision. I was in limbo with no real light coming in from anywhere. I was standing in a room... trying to find the switch.  I never really thought about it, being in limbo, being stuck in a state of denial.  I wasn't in denial. I was in denial. I wasn't in denial about being pregnant, I was FULLY AWARE that I had a bump protruding from my stomach. And I was fully aware of the little being moving inside me.  

I WAS in denial that anything needed to be done, or talked about, or prepared for this little life.  I don't remember if the BF and I talked about our options very much. I don't remember if the BF and I ever talked about what the other wanted.  I was in denial that this little guy, was just... there. 

I knew what I needed to do, but i didn't know how to admit it. This was HUGE HUGE HUGE. The HUGEST(yes i know not a real word) thing i'd ever come to. What in the world was a 18 year old girl supposed to do?  Not graduated, still a TEENAGER, not married, in a toxic relationship... the list grew and grew.

I had to made a decision based on what I knew to be true at the time. AND I needed to make a decision based on what was best for little buddy and not me.  But, why did I never ask?  Why didn't he ever ask me? More to add to clarity:)

And, besides, I am THE. ABSOLUTE. WORST. decision maker ever!  I hate making decisions. I'll walk around the store with something in my had and then take it back as im about to checkout. or I buy it and take it back.  I can't even make lunch... its kinda lame. So bad, I had to REDO my "decisions opening page" because I hated it BWAHAHAHA  yes. Winner Winner folks:)

Decisions page one.   - which do you choose? the A, K, Q, or J?

Decision page 2.

"Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful." 

Paul C.

Journaling the Adoption ABC's

 Here is my first ever Journal page. ( well art journal page)

It looks better in real life... but it has improved I hope.  I already wrote a little about acceptance. though, even weeks later, it can still be added to.

 Here is the Boundaries opening page.  I love watercolor(fyi)

CLARITY

C is for CLARITY

"We need to remember that we chose what we did, at the time that we did, because of the knowledge that we had, the pro-con lists and our best emotional judgment. - ASHLEY MITCHELL, BIB."

I initially wrote the lyrics for "Clarity" by John Mayer.

mostly for this part:

"By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on"

In this moment, I don't have a real problem with the 'clarity' of my adoption. I know why my choice was to place that little boy. I know why I had to do it. I know why I needed to do it. It was based on what knowledge I had at the time.  And what I thought was best. Who knew where I would be the following year, where his Birth Father and I would be. We were so toxic.  BOTH of us were. 

I have FULL CLARITY and peace on my decision to place a child for adoption. I am at peace with that. Though, there are so many other aspects of those days, ten years ago, and even a fewer more recent, that need clarity. I need to look and see what it is, and why it is. 

B Is For Boundaries

"Know the boundaries beyond which you will not allow trampling or trespassing." Elizabeth S.

Not only did I imagine Boundaries applying to the relationship between Birth Parents and Adoptive parents, which are important, but what about the boundaries I set for me?

Do I allow others to trample on my story. Do I continue to try to let others in, giving chance after chance hoping they'll come around and LOVE him/me/them.  Do I take sever care of my story, and those involved?

I am an open book, in most cases. I have had to learn to be careful of what I share. But when it comes to adoption, its hard to keep my mouth shut. Its hard not to tell of a story that not only broke my heart, but built it.  Its hard not to share something that made me Strong, Wise, Hopeful.  How can you not share something that taught you the most?  To share those you love, because HELLO, those parents of his are utterly my most, absolute, favorite people on this planet. Truly.  

But, what I need to look at more closely, are those around me. It made my heart ache, ya know, as if you got a cut on your finger and it just aches with pain no matter the pressure/bandaging.  It hurts, still, that there are some that are proud of the way they treated me. That there are those who still feel as if he and his family are something that are just easily shrugged off and forgotten, because he was placed.  Does that make him any less of what was mine, because I placed?  I didn't place because I didn't want him. Didn't love him. Didn't care for him. I placed him because he deserved the very best chance. He deserved everything I ever wanted for him.  I couldn't give that to him. BUT, he is still mine. He is mine in a way he isn't theirs. But he is also THEIRS in a way he isn't mine.  I AM OK WITH THAT. What matters in those few sentences most though... is that THEY ARE ALL MINE. I love each and every member of that family to the depths of my soul.  I love each birth parent that allowed them to become a family.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE them.  And me hurting, because of a lack of support or knowledge, or forgetfulness, is something that I need to be protected from.  

"Too often we do not set boundaries for ourselves and for others. We worry so much about hurting those around us but really, at the end of the day, if we don't like ourselves why do we care if others like us?" - Ashley Mitchell - BIB

I have come to learn with these moments. That boundaries need to be set. Not only by me just deciding to do so, but they need to be verbally heard and told why.  Someday, I HOPE, those who need to be separated from my story, will WANT to be a part of it.  For now, its OK that they aren't.  Its called ACCEPTANCE:) I am working hard to accept the things I can not change.

Did it tear my heart and soul to bits hearing "well i think i want to meet her more because she was in our lives for those few years."  Holy my Moses it did. Why isn't he as special?  Why doesn't she think he is as special?  Am I wrong for feeling so strongly about him?  That's where boundaries need to be set. And that is where I need to VERBALIZE, Its not OK to downplay, or to make me feel as if he is less, because he was only ours for a few days.   Because he will still be a part of me, and I want him and his family to always be a part of my life. They are incredible, why would I not want to surround myself with INCREDIBLE people? 

So set boundaries, for yourself, for others, verbally and non verbally.  It is respect to yourself. To your story.

- Jena