5 months

Its been almost 6 months since I've written.... I am not sure what to write today.  Computer-less for almost 6 months. Thoughts building up for almost 6 months.  And today, I don't know what to say.

So, to be honest, today I hate adoption.

Today, I hate being a birth mother. I hate the supposed "birth mom bond" that is supposed to unite birth parents.  I hate that I got involved in the adoption community.  Today, I just hate it.  Its been months of feeling so much anger and disgust. Not just for others, but for myself as well.



6 months after placing, LDSFS had set up a plan for updates.  For the first 3 months, I got pictures and letters once a week.  Since I, apparently, lived in the stone age, we communicated by letters, in the mail.  Pictures were printed and sent with the letter.  I had usually 5 or more pictures with each letter. They updated me on how E was doing, and how they were doing.  For three months, I very much needed to know how he was.  I needed that affirmation to keep my head on straight.  I needed to know that my decision was right.  I knew that he would have been in such a toxic atmosphere those first 3 months(had I parented).  But, I still needed to know that he was OK(even if Ii knew he was).  Every letter, every picture, eased so much pain and FEAR.  I SAW the joy in each face in each picture. I saw him being held, cherished, loved, adored, and carefully cared for.  He was perfection, and so were his family.

The next 3 months I received pictures every other week.  With each letter that arrived in the mail, more and more anxieties, fears, and pains were diminishing, many had been extinguished completely.  He was smiling, giggling, chubby, blondie, blue eyed, and the most handsome little boy EVER.  NO BATTLE.  I grew more and more love for his mom and dad, more and more love for his grandmas and grandpas, and for the every growing testament of the peace of where he was. He was home.



I owe SO SO SO SO SO much of my healing, my happiness, and my love for adoption, to his amazing mom and dad.  I was able to heal, to move forward, and grow because of their promises kept, and promises made.  Because they allowed me to know where he was, to know he was OK(with boundaries included) I was able to have peace fill my soul.

I went out with a dear birth mom friend this week.  My heart broke, tears were shed, and anger filled my heart towards people who "owe" so much to her.  I say that and then want to smack myself because they don't owe her.  Adoptive families don't owe us anything.  You don't owe a birth parent anything. We made the choice, we made the plan, we followed through. We chose to sign relinquishment papers, we chose to not be mom.  BUT, in that, we are still a mom, we still love them with every single ounce of our being.

Though you don't owe us "anything", you do owe us something.  By sacrificing every bit of human nature because we love our children.  Because we broke every ounce of mothering instinct to place those babies into the arms of the families that were supposed to be, we truly, TRULY, deserve respect.  I know there are lines, I know every situation is different.  I AM NOT BLIND to the crazy, to the alcoholic, to the mentally incapable, to the drugged... there are situations where you can be respectful but have to have VERY tight and closed boundaries.

What I can say, is that though adoption will not be "them" it will not define them completely, it will be  HUGE part of who they are.  Because of adoption, they have a home, they have a family.  Because of adoption they aren't biologically the same... so that will cause medical situations.  It will be a part of them.  My numerous adopted friends(since before I became a birth parent) say that adoption is a part of them, not defining them, but a part of them.

Adoption, for birth parents, doesn't define us either. It doesn't say what kind of person we are because we became pregnant and chose to place a child for adoption. It doesn't make us sluts, or whores, or druggies, or terrible horrible no good people.  It doesn't make us all crazy, or angry, or ruined.  For many, it helps us find out who we really are.  For many it made us open our eyes to what we REALLY wanted in life.  For many, it was the only way back to Him.

Respect us.  Love us. You can do so with boundaries.  UPDATE your birth families.  Let them know how those littles are doing, how YOU are doing. Let them know they are healthy and happy.  Let them know that they are THRIVING.  Why should you do this?  Because without knowledge, we are left empty.  We are left to question the very thing we chose. We are left in wonder of their health, their bonding, their well being.  Update, because those pictures and letters, even if its a quick text, or short 1 paragraph email, THOSE HEAL.  Those pictures were a CONSTANT reaffirmation of RIGHT.  They were always there to set my aching heart back to peaceful.  I KNEW he was fine, and he was where he was supposed to be.


So... we can even go a step further...

VISITS --

They happen.  Crazy right.  I mean, how can someone "give away" their child and then expect a visit?  No, this is not a like a divorce. No, we do not share parenting responsibilities(nor should parenting responsibilities be shared).  We do not get them "ever other weekend", or "for the summer" or whatever it is that divorcees have to deal with.  BUT what there can be, are in person visits, to show love and care for all those involved in the adoption triad.

Could you believe, that when I saw that little boy for the first time, I was scared, and maybe a little heartbroken?  I had waited 2 years to see him in real life again, and when I did, I realized he wasn't my little boy.  That part was heartbreaking; that he grew up from my 3 day old baby.  At three days old he became a member of his eternal family.  I was scared because I didn't know how I would feel. I was scared that I would break down. That the connection with his parents wouldn't be there... Did you know, though, that as they walked forward with their families, all those fears were filled with pure and utter HAPPINESS and EXCITEMENT!!!!  I couldn't have been more happy that he didn't have a clue who I was, and that he clung to his mom and dad.  It was a dream come true.  Could you believe that SO SO SO many holes and questions and fears were healed.  HEALED!

I could have gone the rest of my life with little to no contact after that day.  Why?  Because I saw, first hand, that he was PERFECT.  I have such a testimony of the power of prayer, of faith, and of God answering questions.  That moment strengthened me, and showed me much of what I had lost when I became pregnant. That day, helped me... find me.



When people say that they have never seen their birth child/children after placement, it breaks my heart. Only, because I know what it did for my heart, my soul, and my mind.  It breaks my heart because even thought they say they are ok(which i know there are some who are truly ok) they aren't.  I can't say that every single birth parent deserves a visit.... we all know when they shouldn't or can't.  But, in a lot of cases, we just would love to see them WITH YOU.  Pictures are wonderful, letters are amazing, and texts are like Christmas morning, but being able to see them, with our own eyes....  PEOPLE I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT IT DID FOR ME. There are no words to express it. There is no way to show it.  But I can STILL feel it, when I think about it.


So why do I Hate adoption today...  because I hate adoption for my families, who just want to see those families.  Who just would love to sit down and watch y'all interact, and be a family.  I hate it for so many other reasons right now too...


I know I don't have people reading this a lot... I think that is good because it wasn't my desire for this... and it is going to be very sporadic writing anymore.  I am pulling out of the adoption community. I need out. I need a break. I need solace.  I need peace.  I am lucky to know the people I do because of adoption. I am lucky to be friends with so many now.  I'll keep those intact...  but I can't put this out there anymore.  Not like I have been.  Its kinda ruined me lately.  And I hate it.   So ... for my last post for however long... Adoptive families(who are REAL families) I hope you can see and hear what has been written.  I know that you know what will work, what is possible, what is right.  But I also hope that hearts will be softened and that you'll be able to let a visit happen, or even be able to send those pictures they are so desperately needed.  They will heal. They will give peace. They will save.

Day 23: Something Big

Something big was forgiveness. Forgiving someone who nearly destroyed everything I was, wanted to be, could be.  I allowed the lies, and dishonesty, and more lies even after, to break me. It took a LONG time to fully, 110%, forgive. Since then, life has been good. I am happy for them, happy for change, happy that people have the opportunity to be something different. It was something I'd hoped would happen for me. Now, I am glad it didn't, but I'm glad for what I learned, and gained, through forgiveness!

Day 24: Moment of Courage

It was my daddy's Birthday... And oh how I love him. We have been wayyyyyyy up and down in our relationship. We had a lot of head butting, fighting, screaming, running away...  We don't really talk about this much... about the adoption... about how it makes me feel... about how they felt... so I try to imagine...

I think those days were a big moment of courage for my momma and papa. To kiss their grandson goodbye. To watch their daughters heart be broken to the smallest of bits possible...  I wonder how it felt...

Day 25: Life before Adoption

 

Life was the best. Friends, friends, and more friends. Trips to Seven Peaks, Orem to see Boys, football road trips. Boys coming to visit me at home. it was a blast. My friends were a blast. The sad part... I didn't get to do much of those things my Senior year, because I was to caught up in a boy... that didn't go to high school... who I thought was amazing...  Good grief. Can you believe what I missed?!!!!

running out of titles

Day 13: The Worst Memory

 Darkness, cold, alone, and the middle of the night. 

I can't go into more than that... this was one of the worst nights during my adoption journey.

its still painful. SUPER painful.  And no one understands what it did to me. 

I felt broken, worthless, ALONE, ignored, misunderstood, misguided, deceived, questioned...

Day 14: Turning point

 This family, that girl, and the dad that isn't pictured.  This was my turning point.

My two best friends at this time, Mal and Meg. My Leenie and her hubby Dave, and little Judd. 

Leenie, Mal, Dave, Judd, and Joe(who was gone on a mission), took me into their home when I was 71/2 months pregnant.  They showed me something, though never verbally, or pushy, or anything bad, that I DESPERATELY needed to see.  I got to have my own room, and mal and meg slept on my floor pretty much every single night that I lived there.  They were sisters to me at a time when I didn't really have any.

My Leenie and Dave. I still remember your blessing daddy Dave:).  You people changed my life!

Day 15: Birth/First Family

My leenie took pictures for us the day of placement. We were able to take little E home for a few hours between leaving the hospital and placement. 

We were SO toxic together. We fought all the time. There was abuse. There was lying. There was everything wrong. But we did, both of us, love love LOVE that little boy more than anything.  We were still his family. At least for a little while. And we'll always be his Birth Family.  And E has something that so many adoptive children don't, a birth father that was in the picture. I don't know if they still have contact now, but I hope, for E, that they do.  I do, because I know people can change. And I want him to be able to see the good that i could see in his BF.

Birth Mother Bond?

I have been mulling over this post for months now. 

I can never seem to get the point across with my words. They're never expressive enough. Never coming together the way I need them to. So, today, I decided I'm just going to do it and get it over with.

Just over 10 years ago I walked into my first "Group".  It was intimidating, nerve racking, and helpful. I saw women who had placed months ago, years ago, weeks ago.  I was invited to go out to get a little treat after one of our meetings, and though I felt absolutely inferior, and that I didn't click at all with anyone there, I went.  Those 4 girls were soon to be the women I've stayed in contact with through this entire process. Though we don't see each other a lot, think along the lines of years and years, they are still there for me, still supportive, loving, and down right inspiring.  

I have always enjoyed going to these groups. The Birth Parent/Expectant Mother support groups held by LDS Family Services. And I went for a long time because I NEEDED to go. I needed to share my grief, I needed to hear of others grief to know I wasn't the only one. Then it turned into going because I LOVED those girls, I hoped they would learn something from me. I hoped they would know that life can go on, and that you can succeed and flourish in life after placement, or single parenting.  I went because...

I have felt the desire/need to share my story, or to even just be an advocate and not share. 

The thing is... There's something missing, or something that eats at me and kind of tears me down.  That "Birth Mother Bond".  Its supposed to be there, or at least I thought it was supposed to be there. I thought that I could walk into a room of other women who shared that special gift we had, and we would click. They would love me, I would love them, and life would be wonderful.  Now, do not get me backwards here. I have met many amazing Birth Mothers who I have amazing relationships with, and many amazing Birth Mothers who though we don't "click" have stayed friends, to support and love each other and its never awkward.  But there are more that make me uncomfortable than there are that I click with.

I hate to admit it, but just like in any other circle in the world, there are cliques in Adoption as well.  Does it suck, YES IT STINKING DOES.   There are the "rich" ones, the "poor" ones, the "emo" ones, the "weird" ones, and so on.  Do I think those titles shouldn't matter, yes.  Just like in the real life living working world, I don't think your "title" should matter.  But, Its not all sunshine and daisies.  

Its been hard, attending the group where I currently  live.  I feel like an outcast, like what I dreamed of doing doesn't matter, and isn't welcome.   I feel like a burden rather than a look at how life CAN BE BETTER in the future.  Its hard going there, when you try to connect with people, to support and love them, and get shut down.  I honestly feel like I'm that newbie again. That one that no one wants to talk to.   Its dumb, and I shouldn't feel that way, but its how I feel.  

Sometimes I want to walk away, and quit sharing. But then that doesn't feel right either.  I want every Birth Parent, Expectant Parent, to have someone.  Weather they click as "best buddies", or just as friends that can love and support each other continually.   I want to be a help for people who want to know my story, or know why I chose Adoption.  I don't want to be there to tell anyone "THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO."  Because its not always the case.  But I want to be there to give a hand to someone.  Whether they are placing, parenting, or still don't have a dang clue.   

I think,  and again  I THINK I THINK I THINK,  me, no one else. I think that we all need to support and love each other. NO one adoption story is exactly the same, but we have all been through it.  I have witnessed the ache, because of a closed adoption.  I have witnessed the ache, because a birth parent hasn't seen that baby since placement.  I have found that even though my story may be better than another, doesn't change what I can do when I love, listen, and care for someone who needs it.   

I met with a fellow Birth parent for the first time last week.  It was a little weird, but I say that's because it was the first time we'd met.  Then I was called a "fan", or maybe I wasn't called that, but that is what I took it as, and CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG. I thought... hmmm... I didn't think I would say I was a "fan".  I would say I'm a Fan of The R House. I am a fan of the Agape Project, and the women involved there. I am a Fan of Brave Love.  I was a Fan of this woman, but I thought we had past that moment not to long ago.  It was a little hard walking away from that and feeling the disconnect.  It doesn't change how I feel about what she does, what she says, or who she is.  She is amazing, she is an advocate, an amazing speaker, voice of truth, and so much more. I just would have hoped for something more since we are together, supporting the same page, like I do the other people on that page. 

 

 But it isn't how it always ends up. And I suppose its not what I can count on or expect from anyone.  

I can hold my hand out there, and let them know I am here to be another voice, friend, advocate, birth parent, and so son, but its their choice weather to "click".  Its not making it easier. But maybe its all I can do.   And maybe I need to take a step back and see what I want from all of this.  What do I need to do, and want to do about my story, and my support system?  

 

Do any other Birth Parents feel this way?  Am a total boob and nutcase for thinking this way?  I think I just need to get over it and move past it... Quit being a baby right?  Ya, probably.  

 

 

G is for Guilt

“Maybe there's more we all could have done, but we just have to let the guilt remind us to do better next time.” ― Veronica Roth, Divergent

Oh my Ashley, seriously people you should follow her and listen to her, and read about her just because of her strength, and raw honesty.  She is a HUGE inspiration to my and to so many other Birth Mothers. She is amazing and I am so grateful that she shared her story with me!

Guilt... I feel guilty, still, for hurting my parents. I feel guilty for hurting my missionary, his family, our friends, my friends. I feel guilty for getting involved and letting myself do things I'd never done, and promised never to do.  I can't wake up tomorrow and start over. Even though I want to all to often.  This is where I am.  

I feel guilty for almost NEVER being on time with gifts for E and his family!  I am the. worst. ever. 

 I feel bad for disappointing so many. Even people I didn't know that wouldn't let their kids hang out with me because of what I'd done. That's the worst feeling ever... having the parents talk about you. I want to scream out every time, " I WAS NOT A SLUT. I DIDN'T SLEEP AROUND. I SLEPT WITH ONE PERSON".  Its always a part of my story... "I wasn't a "promiscuous" girl. I didn't have sex with anyone and everyone. I had sex with ONE person. " so on and so on.  ugh, its the worst.  Will I ever not feel guilty? 

Its like I'm trapped. daily.  Stuck in a rut. Does it get better? Can it get better?

dejavu

Had a complete dejavu(spelling please) moment tonight. We were in, telling bedtime stories, and I decided I probably needed to record this one.  I went and grabbed the camera and flipped it on. As I walked into the room I hear Lou giggling, saying "kamdy-lou-ice cream-ice cream-bugga-boo-hoo".  There have been talks of an Ice cream land lately at bedtime. Usually, she asks that just her and daddy to stories(he is so much better at making those up on the spot), tonight I was invited. As I stared into my camera I could have told you what was going to happen frame by frame for the next 5 minutes. SERIOUSLY. It was crazy, and it brought peace to my soul. It brought faith that I could make it through another day in this crazy life that we have right now. It also made me fall even more in love with that little and her daddy.  

In the hospital, the afternoon(I think) after having baby E, I received a letter, flowers, and a little card from R & S.  I don't believe that I will ever have a chance to witness the moment when an adoptive couple receives the call that their little miracle has been born.  I can only imagine and hope that I will someday see that. Or, maybe see an adoptive couple find out they are PREGNANT(seriously I'd kill for the second one as well).  

In the letter they told me that they'd been told by their caseworker that he was 18 1/2 inches long. "... but in the excitement of it all I wrote down 8 1/2 inches..... one f my sisters said, "are you sure he's 8 1/2 inches? Do you know how tiny that would be?  It was then that we realized our mistake and we're really glad he's longer than a ruler."

They knew how to make me laugh, how to make me feel comfortable, how to make me feel loved. They really knew how to make me KNOW that they were so happy and grateful for us. They also are really good and letting me know how much they love HIM.  

I didn't mention this earlier, maybe cause I didn't remember, but when we met for the first time, the way R & S looked at each other when they spoke about the other, or about their lives, or the Gospel, it made my heart scream ITS THEM ITS THEM. I couldn't get over how amazing they were.  It was more than just knowing that he belonged to them, it was knowing how much they cared for, and loved, each other.  You could see it, and feel it when they were around!  

They must have trusted me as well, because at that moment they hadn't had a name chosen.  And, for one reason or another, they allowed US to choose from their top 2.  I don't remember if I told them what we would have named him if we would have parented, but he would have been known as Caleb Chandler.  If I did tell them, I don't know if they purposefully chose to use that as part of one of the choices or not; or if it had only to do with some of R's favorite scriptures in the Bible being about Caleb.  All I know is, I loved both the names, but couldn't help but be head over heels with the one that incorporated Caleb.  I was so grateful to have been able to be a part of choosing his name. It truly meant so much to me!

Those 2 were amazing. And though I could feel the love and happiness of their new bundle of joy, they were so sincere and sensitive to us and how we were feeling.  "While this is something we've looked forward to for years, it is also very difficult knowing that people we love so dearly will be hurting.  Oh, how we have prayed for you and hope you will be able to find peace and comfort."

There were many more things said in that letter, many things that have ALWAYS been such a strength. 

Its odd to remember something years later, and after you start from the beginning and move forward in remembrance.  I always told people that there was no way that I would be happy with, or be happy when we chose the couple that was going to raise this baby.  To me, it was so the right thing to do, but at the same time, in my HEAD(where Satan loved to be many times), my head told me that this was wrong, and that they wouldn't ever be good enough.  My HEART told me different. My Heart told me EVERYTHING was right, and they were MORE than GOOD ENOUGH, when I heard those words, "Suz's daughter-in-law...". Honestly, I thought it was a joke, people saying you would love them more than you have loved anyone in your life.  It was true though. And though I loved them as E's parents, I loved them more for the people they were. Their examples of faith, courage, honesty, love, and everything else. They are perfect, SERIOUSLY, and I mean seriously.  They have done more for me than I ever thought they would.  

The biggest thing they have done though, is that I have ALWAYS... ALWAYS... ALWAYS felt that they would do what was right for that little boy.  They would ALWAYS keep his safety, both physically and spiritually, his heart, and everything else as a first priority and to do what was best for him.  In turn, I knew that I never had to ask for ANYTHING.  Even if I thought of something that I wanted ask them for/about, in the following days would be a letter, or call, or text, or something from them.  They have always known. And I will always trust them in turn.

Moments like this make me feel like I am 19 again... vulnerable... scared... but even now, my Heavenly Father has let me know that this was right, and that sharing this story is the right thing to do right now!

I know that right now its not more than a story. There hasn't been much incite, much to debate, because there isn't anything to debate.  I don't think adoption is a debatable issue. It is right for some of us, not for all of us, but in most cases, should be an option at least. I am so grateful that I'd been educated about adoption. Otherwise I'd probably be a single mom dealing with a relationship that never should have been.

Sorry that this is an all over the place post... but I've been having lots of thoughts about this lately.... WONDERFUL thoughts.  Thoughts that have taken away so much regret!!!  Especially since I can't change what happened 8 years ago!

Graduation

I was able to take a little "vaca" to the North to visit with my family this weekend. A little reunion with my big brother, his wife, and daughter, whom I haven't seen in 5 years! It was jam packed with events.

He made a few comments about why he moved so far away, and stayed there. Comments about how he'd chosen to handle situations the wrong way, and treated some people really bad. He wanted to stay away, and live a certain way, so that he could(in my eyes) erase it. 

I thought when I moved away, to my sisters, that I was moving to be able to graduate. I didn't feel like I was running away or trying to hide my pregnancy. In fact, I went back up to hang out with friends as much as possible. It didn't work out that way, mostly ever, but that's another post for another day.

 It didn't end up working out that way, being able to walk across that stage. I didn't get to graduate. I thought I was BEYOND on track to go walk with my class, the let me know DAYS before the end of the year that they apologize and they were wrong. There was no way to get those packets done in time.

So, I went to my High School graduation and sat with my friends family, and the BF. 

I sat in the basket ball "arena" of the local college, and watched as my friends participated and walked in our Graduation. It was so unbelievably hard. SO HARD. It was hard sitting there, with a mini belly, hearing their names being called. I cried, lots. I felt like such a pile-o-poop. I felt worthless and as if I should have tried harder. I could tell you exactly where I was sitting, in that orange stadium seat, south side, 5th row up. I wore a plaid skirt and white shirt, and flip flops.  I walked down to the floor after they threw their hats up in the air, and watched them all take pictures together in their Cap and Gowns. I watched as they held their diplomas and cheered in excitement. I watched as parents, and some students, stared at me as friends gave me hugs and we cheered for their success. Getting a hug from my Casey, one of my Best Friends, as he whispered in my ear how he wished I would have been there with them, and how he was sorry for not talking to me. Telling me he was just so angry with my choice.  Getting hugs from my girlfriends, and that I couldn't have been happier for. 

I wish girls, and boys, would realize all that you can loose from being irresponsible. 

I couldn't write about graduation in my journal. All I wrote was, "I went to my HS Graduation.... and it SUCKED.".  It did, especially when they all went to grad night, to Village Inn, and invited me... But I couldn't go because the BF wanted me to go with him. LAME!  All that was lost and sacrificed because of that choice...

Choice, have premarital sex, USED protection...

destination: pregnant, single, loss of family, loss of education, loss of friends...

Education

When I was a junior in HS, at the beginning of the school year, one of my classmates was pregnant. At least, I think it was my Junior Year?  

Any-whooser, she came to school, everyday. As her tummy grew she still came, and she carried herself with confidence. She was in a class of mine as well, and I never knew how to approach her. Mostly, we said hi, and talked about other things. Never about the pregnancy, baby, boyfriend(or not?), or anything else surrounding the situation.  She came back the next year, not pregnant.  I didn't know until long after I'd placed that she did as well. The difference between her and I ???  She graduated with our class, I didn't.

Yup, I did not graduate from High School. I am not proud, in any way, to say this publicly. I do not love sending out job applications saying 'GED'. For me (and seriously, this is my personal feeling) a GED isn't anywhere CLOSE to a High School equivalency. You can take the GED at pretty much anytime, at least that I am aware, so I didn't/don't feel as if its worth a dang. it is SO embarrassing, and rips me apart every time I go to a graduation, or think about college, or apply for a job. It truly is one HUGE thing that STILL eats me alive every single day. Especially now. 

I always wanted to go to college. Even today I still want to go; photography, art, teaching, music, hair. Those things I would LOOOOVE to get a degree in. I am a Picture Nazi, and also known around the extended families and friends as the Paparazzi. That's fine, I have the memories you don't:).  

I tell everyone and anyone GO TO SCHOOL. I can't hold back, its kind of a big deal, and its a soapbox.  If for any reason, because you'll have something to fall back on if you come to a point in life where I am at.  I am a stay at home mom, and I wish I could stay  that way. BUT, I also wish I could stay that way and not have to worry about bills, rent, stuff the kids need... I know everyone worries about those things, but your husbands haven't lost 6 jobs since 08. OK, so some people have probably gone through the very same thing with that. Right now, we're SCREWED. And all I can think of every day is, "I should have gone to school."

There is not a job here that will pay me enough to put 3 kids in Daycare and work full time. Basically, I can't even get a job a McDonald's because I don't have a flipping college degree(no matter what its in).  I could go make 7 bucks an hour, and work 40 a week, and still not be able to cover the daycare. And don't get me started on Daycare, its another post for another day.  I HATE this whole thing. I hate that I didn't just kick my "teachers" butt for telling me, "You only have these 3 packets left and then you will graduate..."  Then weeks later, too close to the end of the year, say, "Oops, we miscalculated and you won't have enough time to finish the 40 other ones we didn't have you do..."  SERIOUSLY.  No one likes to hire me, cause they think I'm a dropout... they think I didn't care... at least that is what it feels like.

If I had gone to school, if I had graduated and achieved that goal, I could find a job right now and contribute to my family. I could help in this time of CRAP. 

If I had gone to school, I wouldn't feel like I failed little E, and his family. I wouldn't have to look at my 4 year old and feel like a failure when I have to tell her, "we can't do that." or, "No, I don't have the money.".  I would be able to get them the things they NEED, not even wants, I just want them to have what they need. It is really hard on my self worth/self esteem going through all this. Not having anything... and all I do is sit and dwell on the fact that I can't go to school now... HOW would I go to school now?!

If any girl came here, who was in my situation, who got pregnant and was currently in HS, or going to college.... DO NOT QUIT! Ignore the stares, the snide remarks, back stabbing, all that. Focus on bettering yourself for your future. Finish school, and work hard at it. DO YOUR BEST. Make the best of a bad situation.  I wanted to finish school so I could tell E, and my own kids, that I finished, even after making bad choices and being irresponsible and becoming pregnant in HS.  

I can't. And tonight, its eating at me... bad!

I wonder if things will ever be good again. If we'll get through this and be "on top" again... I'm starting to wonder.

I know this is kind of all over the place with the whole idea of this blog. But I have to hope someone will learn from me and FINISH. Don't end up like me, with 3 kids, not able to support them!