Do you wear your past?

I just got back from swimming with my sister and her family. I took the oldest 3 while baby Lenny stayed with her dad. We laughed, played, jumped, threw, and chased each other. It was such a fun and needed day with family. I realized shortly into our day, that being with them made me breath easier, and relax in a way I haven't in months. After getting back to the house, the kids left to go to their grandmas house with their dad. I was about to jump in the shower, when the thoughts started running through my mind. Lately I have thought to myself, "I should write that down so I can write about it later."  And then I continue on doing whatever it is and I forget. Today, was different. 

I have been on a LONG journey learning to love my body for what it is. I have come to accept what it is, what it can be, and what it will be. I am amazed at what it is capable of, and what it can be capable of, and what it will do.

Toady, as I walked to the shower, I looked at my body in a way I haven't before. I noticed that the extra sun I got from being outside the last 2 days, has accentuated those beautiful stretchmarks I received when I got pregnant with my children. I don't really think they are beautiful, I know other women do, but I don't. What I DO think, is that they are a visible sign of my past, my motherhood, my ability that I was lucky enough to be able to carry 5 children. It is a visible appearance of choices made, of stress, of sadness, of heartbreak. It is the ability to see redemption, faith, hope, and love. 

As a birth mother, I still get told that I should just, "let it go, and move on...", and so on and so forth. Something that I don't believe many realize, is that even though we could, MAYBE, forget those babies we loved so much, some of us have daily reminders of them.  I feared being intimate after placing that baby for adoption. I feared dating, and being close to anyone, because then someday they would actually SEE me. They would see the marks, they would SEE my past. 

Some of us LITERALLY WEAR our pasts. We do not choose to hang on and remember every day; or do we really even want to remember in the beginning.  But, my choices led to a pregnancy, which led to my body changing, stretching, moving, and becoming something opposite of what it was prior. My past has not faded physically, but has even been more accentuated because of the other children I had. If it were not for those stretchmarks, I probably wouldn't remember daily. I probably would not have been so scared and closed off.  Then again, I probably would have been the same because I was so changed. I was so different. I was trying so hard to be something I wasn't, and hide something I was. 

I wear my history on my body. 

Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes its joyful. Sometimes I accept it; and sometimes I do not. I felt imperfect, and I believe many of the boys a dated after thought so as well. That is why they didn't last, or didn't even begin. There is more to having a fresh start, for us as birth mothers, when we physically see our past. It is hard to move forward, it is hard to forgive, its especially hard to feel like we fit in. 

Remember, for us, that we wear our past. Most of us do, anyway. We won't forget. We will have fear about our future spouse, our families, the people we date... Will they believe we are worthy if they SEE my history?  Remember for us, adoptive families, that we don't forget and that we love you. That the moments when we may not like you as we grieve, that we DO remember why we chose you.  That we have to hold onto the reminders that we are Daughters of God, Daughters of a King. That despite our choices, our failures, our fears... that He is waiting for us to allow him to forgive us. For His grace, his love, his mercy. 

I know I need to remember that right now more than I ever have before... 

I am enough. I am imperfectly perfect. I am loved. I am lifted. I am His. I am a Daughter of God.

So are you. We can wear our pasts, and do so with class, with self confidence, and with a desire to continue to make better choices. WE ARE SO UNBELIEVABLY ENOUGH. 

Happiness isn't always Happy

Often I talk here positively. And though I will still do that this post, I'm also going to be extremely honest.  

As i stated in previous "creating your own happiness" posts, I have had body issues for the last 3 1/2 years. In January I was able to participate in a health challenge.  I say health challenge lightly, because it wasn't some crazy diet, exercise, only eat these 3 things challenge.  It included being HEALTHY, as in eating all fruits veggies(5 fruits and veggies a day, combined, not 5 fruits and 5 veggies), dairy, meat, grains, etc, in moderation. It also stated the obvious, don't eat sugar, high fat meats(bacon sausage etc), and no sodas or high sugar drinks.  Now, I think "indulging" every once in a while is fine, but I have learned from participating in that challenge that i CAN NOT INDULGE!!  No joke.  more on that later on.

So, eat healthy, exercise AT LEAST 15 minutes a day(you got points for 15 up to 1 hour). I enjoyed that part. Especially because if i "had" to, my husband didn't complain about my lack of presence in the evening as much ha.  It also got me running again, and I LOVE IT.  I hit ALL SORTS of milestones for myself, and I truly could see the difference in my body! WOOT WOOT.

Intake of water... DUH

SERVICE, serve others, serve your family, serve your friends.  

Personal prayers, and Scripture Study, and SLEEP.  I am sure there was more but I can't remember.

Either way, what I am getting at is when I was doing this I lost just under 15 pounds.  I know that doesn't sound like much for one to lose in a month, but it was for me.  Especially when I would break and have a HUGE ice cream, or other crappy food, at 9 at night.  But, I could see the difference. It also made good HABITS.  And I continued to work out 5-6 days a week, eat better, and continue without soda and sugar.  I felt awesome, and the more time I spent being healthy, the more I could see the difference.  

That being said, one of the big parts of this challenge that changed me was the prayers and scripture study.  Its no big news that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Also known as LDS, or the Mormons - NO i am not a polygamist, and we don't believe in that, even though it was practiced over 100 years ago.  BUT, I do live in close proximity to MANY polygamists(well, they live in the northern most parts of AZ, and often come to my neck of the woods to do their shopping... they look very different, not like the Sister Wives you see on TLC.   

Any who, sorry I am getting way side tracked.

We believe in the Word of Wisdom, you can read more about those Here and Here because I'd make no sense of it all and go off and become side tracked again.  Not only including the physical aspects of the Word of Wisdom, I truly needed that Spiritual wisdom and growth that came because of the studying and prayer.  I had become so laxed in my study and prayer, it was practically non existent. I would do our family study and prayer, but even that was a hit and miss.  I could FEEL the knowledge and faith growing and my testimony growing as well.

You see, life hasn't always been super awesome.  And even though I sit here and act like I AM OK, sometimes, I'm not.  And that's OK to. BUT, its been an extremely difficult two weeks. In the past I would find myself in these situations and I would RUN from everything because I figured that my Father in Heaven hated me, and was punishing me because i FAILED.  I have failed at most everything.  I did quit attending church, and most everything else for over a year not long ago because I felt so broken, and beaten.  This last few weeks, I have tried the hardest i have EVER tried, to stay strong in the eyes of adversity.  Not many weeks ago an amazing lady, Nikki, over at Heart grown Baby Love, talked about giving up. Truly, i can't put into words what she did, but I FELT LIKE HER!  Not because I am waiting for a child, but because I'm waiting for LIFE.  Its been INSANE.  Today was the top of all tops. Being denied something I had NEVER been denied, something that would have not only helped my family, but also the bank (idiots).  It took a lot to finally get things done(vague I know), and in the end here is where I am.  I was blessed with selling my car, and now I'm blessed with something else not nearly as awesome as selling the car.  It ended up being a lose lose.  But, I SOLD THE CAR.  I have to keep saying that, i have to keep focus on that part, because if I keep focusing on the other half... here's what imma do(yup broke out the south on ya)

Imma do what I done did ALL DAY LONG.  Imma eat a sugar cookie from swig(thank you Birth Mothers Day gift cards), a XL Pepsi from Swig, imma eat a burger for lunch, 2 diet cokes, deep dish nasty pizza for dinner, Chips, ANOTHER diet coke(did I mention i REALLY do not like Diet Coke?!  its nasty).  Then imma come home, eat ANOTHER cookie, ANOTHER Pepsi, and then blog here. yup.  Its the truth, you can throw up now, cause imma bout to.  

So what I am saying is this I guess.... 

In moments like the last couple weeks I have had to find strength in others. I have been carried by others happiness(even though they didn't know), and carried by those who told me YOU CAN DO THIS. I have been carried by my Father in Heaven, my brother Jesus Christ, and can feel the spirit of the Holy Ghost.  I was able to receive a blessing from Derek yesterday. I needed it, and I knew what it was going to say, and I didn't know what it was going to say.  He knows I am trying, he knows I am trying harder than I ever have. But, sadly, I don't have the luxury of some people in the world, and my life will continue to see trials set before me.  I hated that part, but I am TRYING to see the positive.  ( that will be a post for a later day).  but i know I can be carried, and lifted, and guided if I keep doing my best.  But I know that in my unhappy moments, that I can look to others

 

(yes I've posted this before I think)

the current conditions conclude that I should be bitter, and negative, and poopy, and a big boob.  But I have received peace, and strength.  No, I am still not happy, I am still fighting the will to give up, and am still going to cry myself to sleep, BUT  I will wake up, and keep doing my best, because that is what I need to do.  That is what I need to do for myself, for my babies, for my family, friends, and those I hope and pray I am helping.   It is NOT going to be fun or easy. It is probably going to get worse, but my heck IMMA BE STRONG. 

Creating My Own Happiness

I hadn't learned, until I finally got the guts to move from my home town, to create my own happiness. I didn't know how to be happy unless someone else "liked me", or had an interest in me; how else did I have any worth? I had made one of the biggest mistakes, and became 'used'.  I had let myself be abused, emotionally and physically. I had allowed myself to join in and scream and yell hurtful things back. That's what you do in abuse isn't it... you take it and take it and take it, and then you fight it.  TOXICITY was my ultimate downfall. And after that relationship, I couldn't hold my own. I truly felt that I had to fit them so completely, otherwise, I would end up being left.

I relied on others to make me happy. I relied on others to make me believe I had any self worth. I couldn't carry myself, or see what I was. I changed, because I thought that would make me the 'happy' I thought I needed.  I thought I knew who I was before I'd gotten pregnant, but I didn't.  But now, after becoming pregnant, after placing my first baby, after being in that relationship, I did not know who I was. I had no clue who I was. I had no worth, because I'd given what I held sacred away.  It took big steps and little steps to regain my self worth. 

Slowly, each relationship changed me and showed me something about myself. Showed me something in myself. And slowly, VERY SLOWLY, I found myself.  It didn't take away from the time it took, or the continuation of the refiners fire.  But I was learning. I had to find that, in time, it was me. I created my own happiness. Molding to others wouldn't create happiness.  Trying to fit in with the girls from high school, each boy I dated, or other friends I came in contact with over those next 3 years.  They couldn't do anything for me. I had to look at myself, alone.

Not only that, but R, S, & E couldn't create my happiness. They added to it, tremendously, but they couldn't fix my broken heart, or my aching soul.  They coudlnt' do anything, because they were already doing everything.  They had saved me and that little boy.  They created my happiness that I could grow from.  

It was only my doing that could carry me through the future. It was my goals reached, my trials triumphed, and ties broken that could make me happy.  It wasn't quick, or imminent, there was no light bulb, or flash of lighting. It was slow growing, and very much involved learning.  There were moments of forgiveness that I didn't know still needed forgiving. The moments carried off my shoulders, that was a heaviness lifted that added to my own Happiness. Ultimately it was the Atonement, through Jesus Christ, that started the change in my heart, mind, and soul.  Without that, i was just there, staring hell is the face. At least, that is what it felt like. It felt as if I was standing on that bridge, looking at the flowing waters down to hell(what I'm picturing is more like the Disney movie Hercules, when he rescues Meg. Even if that's not really what I picture as Hell).  Either way... I was right there, ready to fall and forever be bound in hell.  Ugh, it was truly utter despair.  Slowly, and surely, I then heard the voice of my Brother, Jesus Christ, reminding that if I just knock... he will be there.  And he was.

It took so much work. So much faith. So much pain. But in the end I started to realize that I was worth it.  And that If they didn't like me for who I was, that they weren't the right one for me. I knew that I could stand on my own two feet and fight the world for EVERYTHING I wanted and dreamed.  And it was all taken care of. All of it.  I had to do my part, I had to do more than just confess and as for forgiveness. I had to do SO MUCH MORE. But I figured out what I wanted.  

It didn't mean I was perfect, I was FAR FROM.  I still am FAR FROM.  But what I do know how, is that I am STRIVING for perfection. I am doing my best. I am DOING. MY. BEST.  And that is all I can do.  That is all I could do.  I neededt ot build my relationship with the Lord, and in turn relize my worth, and be able to like myself, and then I would allow others to be in my life in the way I deserved.  And I needed to treat them with the same love and respect that I had for myself.  They are just humans to:).

10 Years later, I still have to create my own happiness. I can't rely on my Husband, kids, family, friends. It all has to come from me.  I struggled greatly for a few years... again.. and only just recently have I re-fired the worth.  It took a lot more than just looking in the mirror and saying "You are worth it".  It took a HUGE lifestyle change.  And it will continue to be a change that 'll have to work at.  It will be worth it though.  Because I am loving ME!!!  I am doing what I need to, so that I can create my own happiness! I was able, through the atonement, to start over.  I can start over often, daily really, and ask for help, and strength, and it happens!!!

here are some of my favorite "vidoes" about the atonement
HERE
HERE
HERE
HERE

Body of a Birth Mother pt. 2

(sorry sister... this is the only one:))

Here I am, at 18, exactly one year(EXACTLY) before I had my sweet baby E. 

Things happen fast, I would have NEVER thought that ONE year later, I would be having a baby. I don't believe that anyone in high school believes they will become pregnant while still in high school.   I sure didn't.

I went from feeling OK with the way I looked, not always confidant, but OK. I was feeling excitement for the fun year I was about to have. The parties, sleep overs with the girls, dates, games, HIGH SCHOOL. I was ready for the year, it was going to be my best yet.  I had friends, I had family, and life was so good.  I was dancing, I loved dancing, the joy it brought to me. Performing was the best feeling ever. It was something id wanted to do FOREVER, and this was the 2nd year I got to be part of a company and perform at sports events, competitions, reviews. I had plans to continue dancing, learning, and performing. 

I had plans to attend college. I wanted to be an English teacher, I wanted to move to go to school.  I wanted to move out of state. I wanted to go nanny. I was planning on kicking butt at life.

I had an idea of who I wanted to be. But it was so far away. I didn't worry about what was necessary to achieve those goals. I didn't focus on what I needed to do right then to attain those goal I'd set. I was having so much fun, and doing so many things that I did not focus on who I was inside, and who i needed to be right then; and what I need to do. And because I didn't have that focus, I became caught up in the fun, the fitting in, and the life of a carefree teenager. I let my personal standards drop, and ultimately chose the path that I ended up on.  And by not proactively choosing a definite path, I found myself on a different path.

I didn't have plans, to not accomplish the goals I'd set for myself and my future.

 Now... here I was... 19, and exactly one year after that dance.
On my way out to deliver baby boy E.

1 year after placing, I was at my pre-pregnancy weight. Physically, covered up, I looked the same. I looked like I did in High school.  I fit into all the same clothes, could wear all the styles I liked, it was ideal.  Underneath those clothes, were the stretch marks, underneath was where i lots my confidence. Who was going to want someone with those marks?
 I would later learn that it wasn't just the physical appearance, it was the knowledge of WHO I was. I was not only physically damaged, I was spiritually, mentally, and emotionally damaged.  I didn't think that I needed to address those issues. I assumed that "time would heal all wounds". In reality though, time doesn't heal all wounds. Wounds can be healed, a large majority of the time, with time. But, wounds also, an even larger amount of time, need to be addressed. You need to talk about them, find the root of them, and work through all the things that brought about those damages and wounds.

  (yes, great crop job i know)

I had NO plans of having sex. Not of having sex in High School, college, or life, until i was MARRIED. 
Having that one plan, that one standard, that one thing, changed everything. Dating after placing baby E. Dating after finally walking away, fully, from the BF, was changed. I didn't like my body, my spirit, my mental and emotional capacity. In turn, dating became, molding.

The first date I went on after placing, was with one of the sweetest guys I've ever met. The problem there... I didn't feel like i could be 'alone' yet. I was still trying to see if I wanted to be with the BF. He was still calling, asking to go out, etc. I WANTED to date this other person... but didn't have confidence that he would like me for me. I didn't know who I was yet... and still felt like I belonged with the BF to one degree or the other.  That relationship with the first date, was more off than on. He was patient, and kind, and wanted to be with me... I wanted to be with him... but it just wasn't going to work.
 I didn't "mold" to him, because I was still "molded" to the BF.  Which means, I was still a "thug". I was into rap, hip-hop, and being tough in the black, rice rocket, Altima.  Truly, it makes me laugh now, but it was a joke back then.

I only had a few more boyfriends after that. I became a skater, and liked U2(which i hadn't ever previously). I wanted to learn to skateboard, wear DC's and Vans, and be what he wanted.  I felt that if I didn't like what they liked, it wouldn't work.  If I didn't look like they wanted me to look, they wouldn't want me. I was wrong. Even in molding to #2, we didn't work out.  I learned a little more about who I was and who I wanted to be. I gained a little more confidence, but ultimately, I was still lost.

I then became an 80's rock/ballad, Harley loving, biker chick.
I learned... i really do love the 80's, and my dad taught me to love bikes. But, I wasn't as "hard core" as I thought I was. I wasn't as "hard core" as I needed to be for him. I wanted different things, in every way. He was cute, but i loved his family WAY more than i even liked him.

So in 3 years, I'd been a thug, skater, and biker... I continued to mold to each person i dated; a 'techno' dance party, dork... back to a preppy wannabe fit in... I continued to question who I was, because I was trying so hard to fit in with the people I was hanging out with, and dating. It wasn't working. I looked physically different when i went to the pool with friends, and as much as I tried to fit in with those girls... it never worked. I tried to be "cool" enough, in style enough, and independent enough to try to get someone to like me.  I wanted someone at the level I wanted to be at, to like me.  You can't have that, when you don't know where you are, who you are, and what you are. I was trying to do everything for everyone else.

3 years... and I had slowly started to stress, and become depressed. I started to gain weight, and hang out less and less with people that I was continually trying to impress. Eventually, going to the gym to try to "fix" my physical appearance didn't make a difference.  3 months of gym time, 6 days a week, and I didn't loose any weight... or inches... i maintained.  Why wasn't my body working like it did after placing?  How was I getting bigger?  NO ONE would want me FOR SURE now.

Slowly, I quit worrying about fitting in with these people. I quit trying to maintain the friendships I'd had in high school.  I decided it was time to change for ME.  The first step, find a job out of where I had been living for the last 10 years of my life. I left the valley and headed to Southern Utah. I couldn't nanny, because I couldn't hide having a child, on top of not wanting to hide it.  I looked for a job and had 2 before I left that weekend.  I put my notice in to my current job when I got home. 2 weeks later, I packed up and headed south. A car full of my belongings. I cried saying goodbye to my mom and dad.

I got down here... I learned that... no one knew me. No one could judge me for what I used to be.  They didn't know what I used to look like. They didn't know ANYTHING.  It was invigorating to be FREE.  I started to be the ME i wanted to be.  I didn't change for anyone, and didn't hide who i was.  I moved on a Sunday... and then... met the soon to be hubby that Friday.  I wanted to play, and have fun, and save money, and be independent.  FULLY.  The first time I hung out with the future Mr. I was ME.  I was all the way, 10005% ME, no hiding anything, no pretending, no molding.  I had to lay it out, because I didn't want the same thing to happen here, as it had at home.

I didn't change physically, i maintained that "weight", so I still was bigger than I had been. But I was ME. I started to feel confidant, and brave, and everything id wanted to be.  I had taken steps to meet with my bishop so my life could go where I wanted to be spiritually.  I started noticing my relationship with my Father in Heaven growing, and my testimony that had faltered, strengthening.

I took that boy home to visit the fam. I make it clear we were just FRIENDS(ha ya right).  When we did become official, this is what I remember...  my mom and dad sat me down when I'd come home one weekend, I thought I'd done something wrong again. Instead, they came to me and let me know how proud of me they were. That they were so happy to see that even though I was with this boy, that I was ME. That I had an opinion, and that I would stick to my guns. I would stick up for me, if I was being teased. I would voice my love of Country, 80's, hip-hop(not rap), and oldies.  And if he, or anyone else didn't like it, WHO CARED.  That day, I became CONFIDANT, in me. Because I chose ME. I chose the life I wanted, and I could continue to do so, and know that it was the right thing for me, and it would work out.

I knew I would still have trials, testing my faith, my confidence. I didn't know that I would ever fall again, but I knew I could get up and get going again.  I changed... and its changed me.