January Adoption Link-up

How will adoption play a roll in your year? What are your hopes and dreams? Are you waiting for your little one to come home? Write about how you imagine that happening. Are you placing/have you placed a child for adoption? What are you hopes for your child's future, and how you will be a part of their year? How will you contribute to the adoption world this year?

This has to be for me, really Kristen, it has been on my mind since November!

So, that seems to be the thing lately, "How do I want adoption to be a part of me this year?"  "How will it play out?"....

The possibilities are endless when you have placed so long ago.  So much has changed in the 3 short years since I went "public" with my story.  I think at the time I needed to express myself and my story for me. I have always felt the desire to serve and do more in the adoption community, but never jumped into it.  I had LDSFS number a year after moving here, and never talked to anyone, because it just didn't feel comfortable. It scared me to go into another -group that wasn't "mine".    I waited for a long time before I went in, and had even started writing here before then.  . 

I thought sharing was something that was unique.  I thought a blog about it was unique. It isn't, and I feel dumb most of the time because its very repetitive in what I say, and what is out there.  But it served me, in a way to pretend I was serving my purpose. I have learned so much and now.... here I am.

How will adoption play a roll in your year?

I'll post less... because I don't feel like I need to do this. I don't feel like I have anyone to help. I feel like this blog served its purpose. I don't know what it was... but it feels that way. I will take a back seat, and see how I feel. I will watch, and be minimally involved in the community. I don't feel needed there, and that is OK.  I did my part. What it is I hope I'll find out someday, but I think its done for now.  

Hopes and Dreams?

I hope to be able to move forward in my journey. To let go of unanswered questions, and expectations of others. I can't meet my own expectations lately, so expecting anything of others seems unrealistic right now.  (blog post to come about that).   I hope that my angel boy and his family will continue in their amazing life. That they will continue to be filled with love, compassion, joy, and safety.  They truly are incredible people, and I am lucky to know them.  I hope they all know how much I love each and every one of them. And that I have nothing but love and hope for all of them.  I hope he knows how much I love him.  And that even though I am not his mom, I want the best for him.  That he achieves all he desires and dreams, and continues to be the amazing young man that I've been told he is! 

for me:

I hope I figure out what I want to do:)  I hope I can figure out what God wants me to do. 

Contribution to the adoption world?

I have been planning and prepping for 2015. (yup just had to backspace it and correct 2014 to 2015) I will continue to work with Open Adoption, Open Heart on both the Birth Parent, and Group pages.  I will hopefully have another meet up with my OAOH ladies this coming summer as well.  I hope that I can be a POSITIVE part of adoption.  That I can let go of the hurt and push the good.  I hope that I can experience being a part of someones  adoption again.  I would LOVE to experience finding the "family" for an expectant mom and her baby. 

I really want to do more posting of Hopeful Adoptive Families/couples.  I need to. I want to. I will do.  

And for now, that is it. I am kind of in a fog as to what will happen now.  Maybe its due to the fact that we will be adding another baby girl to our family in 3-4 weeks.  And being so unprepared mentally/spiritually/emotionally/physically is FREAKING ME OUT!  I feel guilty about it.  I feel bad.  But right now I feel as if I am at a crossroads.  And I need help from my Father in Heaven to tell me where to go.  

I usually ask what I should do.. "should I do this or that"... and have gotten no response lately. So its probably time that I quit telling him what I want, and find out what HE wants. That is how it is supposed to work anyway right?  

I hope y'all will join me in prayer, and faith, and journaling.  I hope everyone has an amazing year with amazing blessings. I hope that those waiting... and waiting... and waiting will have their hearts and homes filled with the children that they are waiting for, and that are waiting for them. 

Adoption Language

What are your views on appropriate adoption language?  

(Examples: Birth mom vs. expectant mom, was adopted vs is adopted,)

Have you had any personal experiences with inappropriate adoption language?

How, if at all, did you educate those involved?

I think I'll share a couple experiences first. 

When I placed my little guy for adoption, we used the term PLACED(obviously), and not "gave up". I remember many moments after hearing, "she gave up her baby for adoption."; whether it be in an explanation of my crying, or an introduction to who I was. Those few months after placement, the words "gave up her son", defined me at almost every meeting. 

What it didn't do was make me angry, or frustrated with those sharing my information, or sharing info on others.  MOSTLY, because I had just come into the adoption world, and I, too, had used "gave up" for a LONG TIME.  It was never meant in a demeaning negative way, but since then has become something that I enjoy correcting others on. Not because I am mad, but because opportunities for education are amazing, and fun! And, in most cases, it was a lack of education(or age difference/when raised) that promoted different types of adoption language

SECOND:

When I became involved with OAOH I didn't think there were very specific terms to Birth mother/expectant mother, I never used the "politically correct" terminology, because it never dawned on me that there was such a thing.  So, in my uneducated, naive first post, I said BM.... yup... the big ol NO NO was upon me. I got such a lashing I thought I would get kicked off the page because I'd upset so many people.  I had NO IDEA that it would cause such a ruckus, let alone make anyone mad.  

Remember; in my thoughts through the years, "Education is key. Not everyone understands, because how can they when not everyone has experienced this kind of situation."  SO, luckily I have amazing friends at OAOH to told me not to take it personally, and EDUCATED ME about the correct ways to address titles. Not only was I taught, but I was able to witness complete strangers back me up in the "don't attack her" because of my wording. It was a time to educate everyone on terminology, and in respect.

The Birth Mom, 

B Mom - Birth Mother - First Mom - First Mother

NEVER BM, because we all know what BM stands for. 

I won't repeat it because it makes me laugh and reminds me of my grandpa. It is also something that offends a great deal of birth mothers out there.  Not me personally, BUT, I can totally understand why they would be unappreciative of the term.  So, its simple.... don't use it:)

Expectant Mom,

This was one that was new to me upon joining the adoption community. I didn't ever call myself anything personally, but I was a birth mom... and I was going to be a birth mom.  BUT, an expectant mom is someone who is pregnant, and is in the deciding stage.  Even then, if a choice has been made to place a child for adoption, she is still an expectant mom.  She does not become a birth mom until the papers are signed, and the child is placed in the arms of the perspective adoptive families arms.  Even then, I think there is some time frames in some states where that can be overturned for whatever reasons. 

After the baby arrives, that girl/woman is a MOM. She is not a birth mother until papers are signed, and that baby is placed into the arms of his/her parents or any other party involved in the placement of said child. This, for me, has been a new experience, and I too have found myself still calling those expectant moms 'birth mothers'. This has happened when these women/couples have chosen to place and have an adoption plan in place.  But, I have gotten better, it may have taken a while, and reminding, but it is better.

Adoptive Parent:
Not to be confused with the Hopeful Adoptive Parent.
The obvious, an adoptive parent, has adopted. A HOPEFUL adoptive parent, has either not adopted before and is now in the approved waiting game stage. The hopeful adoptive, could also be those that are in the approval process and haven't had a final go ahead.  ALSO, you could have adopted, and be ready to adopt again, thus, hoping to adopt.
(am I getting this part right???)

One thing I hate about "adoptive parent"...
I DESPISE calling my little mans mom and dad his "adoptive parents", because though they adopted him, THEY ARE HIS MOM AND DAD.  They were always his mom and dad, and they were always meant to be.  It makes me wanna slap myself across the face when I have to say "his adoptive mom and dad".  Because, well, thought they are his adoptive parents.... they ARE his PARENTS.  There is something about that ... and  maybe its my faith, and experience in what has been manifested to me, but he was ALWAYS theirs.  I always say, "his mom and dad", and if I HAVE to explain further so they know who I'm talking about, I'll say the adoptive family....  still irks me, but hey, you can only do so much.

Adoption language has long since changed, and evolved over time. As with most things in life, things are updated, or made inappropriate, or made to be appropriate.  Birth Mother Baskets had started a 'movement' or campaign, "Gave Love, Gave life, But never Gave Up.  PLACED".  Its an educational movement, one that will probably take a whole lotta years to fully envelope the world. BUT, it is teaching, and it was a great start. I can't seem to get angry when someone says "gave up" because it usually is just the lack of education.  When it isn't a lack of education, its an 'age' difference; or a 'grew up in a different era' difference.  It doesn't not make me mad, sometimes its hard to hear it, but never angers me.  I gave up soda... I gave up clothes I didn't fit into anymore. I gave up feeling like a failure... I didn't give up my son. I didn't give up on him either.  I chose to FIGHT for him, and in doing so, that meant giving him a home with 2 parents, and the life i KNEW he deserved, and where he belonged.

I am was an expectant mom... and birth mom... and now an adoption lover.
I can't say it enough... education is KEY in the forward movement of adoption.
 -Jena

<div align="center">
<a href="http://www.jkadoptionlove.com/p/adoption-love-link-up.html" title="Adoption Love"><img src="http://i1349.photobucket.com/albums/p741/joshkrisadopt/Untitled_zps390f34f0.png" alt="Adoption Love" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

(examples: Birth mom vs. expectant mom, was adopted vs. is adopted, etc.) Have you had any personal experiences with inappropriate adoption language? How, if at all, did you help educate those involved? - See more at: http://www.jkadoptionlove.com/p/adoption-love-link-up.html#sthash.2FhxkYow.dpuf

WhaWhat are your views on appropriate adoption language? (examples: Birth mom vs. expectant mom, was adopted vs. is adopted, etc.) Have you had any personal experiences with inappropriate adoption language? How, if at all, did you help educate those involved? - See more at: http://www.jkadoptionlove.com/p/adoption-love-link-up.html#sthash.2FhxkYow.dpuf

 What are your views on appropriate adoption language? (examples: Birth mom vs. expectant mom, was adopted vs. is adopted, etc.) Have you had any personal experiences with inappropriate adoption language? How, if at all, did you help educate those involved? - See more at: http://www.jkadoptionlove.com/p/adoption-love-link-up.html#sthash.wL355ccI.dpuf

 What are your views on appropriate adoption language? (examples: Birth mom vs. expectant mom, was adopted vs. is adopted, etc.) Have you had any personal experiences with inappropriate adoption language? How, if at all, did you help educate those involved? - See more at: http://www.jkadoptionlove.com/p/adoption-love-link-up.html#sthash.wL355ccI.dpuf

 What are your views on appropriate adoption language? (examples: Birth mom vs. expectant mom, was adopted vs. is adopted, etc.) Have you had any personal experiences with inappropriate adoption language? How, if at all, did you help educate those involved? - See more at: http://www.jkadoptionlove.com/p/adoption-love-link-up.html#sthash.wL355ccI.dpuf

National Adoption Month

November is already half over.

This year, and this month, have been the craziest (as far as adoption goes).  The amount of people I've met, heard from, befriended, its pretty much the most incredible year yet. And, I have also learned a lot.  

I have been dong the BTG Photo a day challenge,  and in the midst had a very emotional experience. I am often able to attend a support group for expectant mothers. I like to go to show that there is life after placement, that it does get easier, and that the angel boy I placed is amazing.  I don't have much experience with closed adoption(or adoptions closing after being told they were going to be open). But there are a few girls experiencing this exact thing, and others close to.  

One amazing birth mother came to show her support and share he own experience with her adoption closing after 2 years.  I had never heard her story, I had only known that 2 years after placing the family chose to close the adoption.  And NO, she was NOT one of those crazy birth mothers. She never asked for anything, and never implied she was anything but a birth mom.  She didn't want to take her, she didn't want to be her mom, she simply wanted to show her love for that baby just like we all do.

She shared some pretty stinking tough and hard experiences, and had some even more amazing advice to one birth parent in particular. It doesn't hurt to share, because she influenced more than that one birth parent, IM SURE.  

I have been back and forth about my involvement in the adoption community. About the love and support, or lack of, in the adoption community where Im located. I have been on the burner of what I have shared, and what I want to continue to share.  And this amazing girls courage and words have influenced me a LOT. I don't have a clue what Im doing yet... but I am working on it.

That being said, here's my post for National Adoption  Month.

Adoption is amazing, and hard, and happy, and crappy, and the biggest blessing that came to my life. It has brought an onslaught of love, and a very small bit of negativity.  I have met the best of friends because of adoption, and have been able to see their stories unfold as my did, with faith, and love, and fight.  I have seen, from afar, the amazing thing that is a Hopeful adoptive couple, become Mom & Dad. I have missed, terribly, the small group of women that influenced me and my story for the first time in the adoption community.  I have cried for those who have waited... and waited ... and waited... for their miracle babies.  I have cried more for those who are STILL waiting.  How I wish I could find the families that belonged together.  How I wish I could be the "finder" of those birth families, to match with their adoptive families. 

I cry with those women, who have to decide what road to take. Place a child they love, or parent a child they love. To see SO MANY teenage girls pregnant, and naive, and not worried about a thing. And crying more, when these birth parents come and share the joy and pain of labor, birth, and the few days/day they spend with those gifts from above. Then to hear the pain of placing them into anthers arms, knowing how it hurts, but how right it is. 

Adoption isn't for everyone, but it sure was for me, and advocacy can be for everyone. 

I'll be posting, daily, and little blurb about some families that are waiting for their miracles.  I know I don't reach a whole amazing number of people.  I am not "fan" material(thank goodness), but maybe someone will see their profiles and share it with the one who is supposed to see it.

- Jena

Broken Promise?

I have been blessed in my adoption journey. I have never had a promise broken.  I have never had an expectation of something and it not happened the way it "should have".  

That could be a good and bad thing to some.  As i have said numerous times, our contact/openness was dictated for the first 6 months by the agency in which I placed.  Pros and cons to that(I'll post on that later).  In that six months we never really had much talk about what life after six months would look like.

It wasn't discussed what type of openness they were comfortable with. It wasn't discussed what I wanted. It all seemed to just... fall into place. I never questioned, and learned to adjust to what I THOUGHT I needed versus what I actually needed.  

I have been blessed. Because I have never had a promise broken.  I have never had my heart torn to shreds because of words spoken that weren't followed through with. I have witnessed, though, the broken hearts, and broken promises. So I guess this post is mostly to educate... I hope anyway... to educate, or make aware of what I think is important.

Its never fun to admit that there are some REALLY REALLY  crappy adoption situations.  There are some couples who say what is necessary to gain the trust and love of expectant parents. Only to turn around the moment those babies are in their arms, or the moment they can't take them back, and close off all communication.  There are some who automatically assume that no contact, or minimal contact, is helping a birth parent in their post placement growth.  

Some are intentional, some are not.

SO, here is MY opinion and thought on the matter.

COMMUNICATE.

There are so many couples out there who would do anything to get a child. The ones who would do anything for the expectant parents, anything for the baby, for the extended families, etc.  So many who love unconditionally, not only the baby, but the expectant/birth families. 

 Make sure you communicate to each other what you think is important to keep/incorporate into your triads. Talk about the hard stuff. Talk about how much openness you want post placement. Nothing has to be definite, set in stone, unchangeable; make changes when necessary.  Take time to listen to the birth parent, and what they are looking for in a post placement relationship. Listen to their needs and desires at the time, and see what works for your family.  Find a common ground where you can both be present and happy with what boundaries are set. Have a knowledge, repeated often, that change is possible, and that you are open to hearing what each other has to say.  That you are available to listen to what they need(again) on BOTH sides.  

There is no reason to be dishonest in what you think you will be able to do after a child is placed with you.  I know that if you are an expectant couple that wants a closed adoption, and foresee that not changing, there are expectant parents out there who do want those same things.  Do not assume that we, as expectant parents, are automatically going to be fine post placement. That we won't need anything, and that if we say we do, that it will probably change the moment we place those babies in your arms.  

Make sure that if someone needs MORE that you can give that to them.  Respect needs to be present on all sides of the adoption relationship.  What works for one, may not work for another.  What has worked for a past birth parent, may not be what works for a new birth parent.  Just as in our daily relationships, all are different and require different attention and needs.  

We are PARENTS.  That is why we are called "expectant parents", and post placement, "birth parents".  Because we are parents.  We are making a decision that a parent would make in a hard situation (yes though so so different).  We love those babies more than anything, just like any parent should.  We TRUST and sacrifice to better the lives of those children of ours.  And even though we know that they are not ours, we are still a parent. Often carried for months before an adoption plan is made, we are parents. We want the best for them.  

In the beginning its hard to navigate through the emotions that come after placement, on both sides.  Being that I've only experienced the birth parent side, I can tell you it won't always be easy. But with communication, trust, faith, and boundaries, it can be navigated and made into good.  I was up and down often in the beginning. For many months just wondering how HE was and not to concerned with his mom and dad... or their families.  But, it didn't take long to remember the people that I came to LOVE and TRUST and ENVY, and wonder how they were. They deserved to be happy in all this, they needed to be. I put so much of my pain on their shoulders, I hope they can forgive me for that someday.

As an adoptive couple, remember that those who placed are experiencing a loss. Regardless of the moments that came to us reiterating over and over the RIGHT choice we were making. The moments of clarity and peace. Of love and joy, we are still heart broken.  We may not like you very much for a bit... but we still love you. And as we heal, and grow, and communication is prevalent, it can be quicker and with more love.

Birth parents, they are experiencing all new emotions as well.  Some adoptive couples deal greatly with post placement pains as well, and truly wan the best for you!  Be patient as they adjust to a new member of their family. Ad they experience the lack of sleep, crying, diapers, spit up, crying, more diapers, formula... its all new for them as well.  It doesn't need to make you feel like grieving shouldn't be happening, all your emotions are valid, and allow yourself to feel.  WRITE DOWN the reasons you chose adoption, why you chose the family you did, what you wanted for your child.  

BE HONEST.  Do not make commitments that you can not uphold.  Do not promise the world, when you can only deliver a bag of dirt.  Both can be beautiful, both can be fulfilling, and healing, if they are right for each of you.  If you or your couple need "more" and its something that you initially thought you couldn't do, LOOK OVER IT MORE.  Look more deeply at what you are currently providing, and see if it is something you can do.  Sometimes a little change helps more than you know!  Sometimes something as simple as a letter and pictures once, or twice a year even, for the birth parent alone, can be healing and helpful.  It can allow them to know that they are cared for and loved.  That even if they are seeing them grow on public avenues(facebook, instagram, etc.) that it is something SPECIAL just for them!!!  

Don't take for granted the idea of your family GROWING. That there are that many more people that will love you and that child.  It can be amazing!!!

Don't make a promise you can't keep. Or a promise you don't intend on keeping. In the end, it will not only hurt you, but the child, and the expectant/birth parents.  And same goes to birth parents.  BE HONEST. Allow them to know what you want and hope for, and don't get angry if it isn't something they can do at the moment.  Take time to sit back and asses what you are asking, and if it will truly help you.  

Communicate, set boundaries, be honest and real, and GROW together. 

You're all in this for the same reason, a beautiful child, that is going to grow and thrive!

FUNDRAISER

Woot Woot!!!

I am holding my FIRST EVER ADOPTION FUNDRAISER!!!

Honestly, its my first any type of fundraiser, but I'm happy that its because of an adoption!

The amazing family that we are doing this for is the Shuman Family.  

In reality, I have never met Briana in real life, like... ever.(insert clueless valley girl tone) But I have seen her work, and her love for adoption, and her amazing boys, and handsome husband who loves her and their boys. Its never ending gooey goodness up in there! 

Todd & Briana are approved and awaiting their angel baby to be found and placed in their home.  Really, maybe its because I'm a birth mom, and I embrace the good and bad, but i LOVE adoptive couples.  I love Hopeful adoptive couples, and the faith they have to wait... and wait... and wait... to be matched and placed with those little babies.  I am so grateful to be in contact with so many adoptive families that have taught me SO MUCH about their side!  

SO, here is a bit about the Todd & Briana Shuman family:

Their PROFILE

Welcoming Home baby Jace

Family Video (before Jace)

Not only does this show their gorgeous family, but Briana is also the owner and creator of The Agape Project. This is how I first came to know of Briana and her family.  And I BAWLED.  Go check it out:

The Agape Project

Can you just say AAAAAMMMMAAAAZZZIINGG  ya, probably not enough letters or words, or anything else to show how amazing they are!!!

So here is what we are doing.  Starting this evening (at MIDNIGHT) the party will be OPEN, and you will be able to go to www.jenachristiansen3034544.norwex.biz to order.  NORWEX is AMAZING cleaning products that I have LOVED for the last, almost 3 years, and have been a consultant for 2.  

any who-  go to the website, make your order.

Proceed to check out.

DO NOT CHECK OUT AS A GUEST

(not only will you have to pay more for shipping but the order won't go to the shumans)

log in(there will be NO JUNK MAIL)

Find Host(Jena)

Find Party(Shuman Family Adoption Fundraiser)

and ORDER!  I will close the party at 12:00AM Friday night.  

If you live in Southern Utah (St. George, Washington, Hurricane, Kanab, Cedar, Beaver, etc.) 

You can send me a message and order through me and I'll bring the orders to you. If you want to do that, otherwise they will be delivered straight to you at home.

I'll be on at 12 --- yup--- to make sure its open --- and will continue to check on the party throughout the day.  I will answer questions etc. 

also

 100% OF MY COMMISSION WILL BE GOING TO THE SHUMAN FAMILY

100%!!!

lets do this!:)

STOP IT

Is it truly so hard to STOP?

After my previous post, I've had a few FEW people come to me and start going off about Yes I hate This group and that group... or I can't do stuff with this group because that group will get mad... etc.  SERIOUSLY.  KNOCK IT OFF.

There are many groups out there in support of adoption, of birth moms, of adoptive couples, of hopefuls, the list goes on.  I am part of A LOT of groups.  I don't pick apart what one group does better than the other. I don't pick which people are the worst in that group. I don't worry about any of that. If someone is having a hard time, or wants to celebrate... THEN I PUT MY HELP IN WHERE NEEDED.  I am not there to criticize, to pick apart, to belittle, to spy, to break down. I am in these groups because we all need support, we all need love, and faith, and courage and mercy.  Where can we go if we can't feel safe in these areas?  

I have determined, that if there is something going on in a group; say a retreat, or a class, or a get together; if its going to help you on YOUR journey... GO AND DO IT. Join in, and do what you need to do to grow and heal.  If you need to go so you can express your story positive or negative, you should be able to do it in a safe place.  

If you are going to GOSSIP about "she stole the idea from her" or "she is stealing the idea from them", you need to take a step back.  With all the blogs, websites, facebook pages, support groups, adoption groups, etc, there is bound to be repetitiveness. BUT, I can assure you, how rare it really is for someone to "STEAL" another story.  Maybe you take and IDEA about a blog post. Or and IDEA of a doing a retreat, either way there is probably someone, somewhere, that is doing that EXACT thing that you are, or that they are.

As I stated before. We all have strengths and weaknesses.  ALL OF US.  Oh if I were to sit on here and list all my weaknesses i'd be on here for weeks. Believe me I sat down and started a list of weaknesses.  BUT, guess what, we all have strengths as well.  And what I lack in my abilities, I can learn to accept them, and grow from them. I can learn to make a weakness a strength. And I can do that by being a part of EVERYTHING..  I can do that by supporting all adoption triads, and realizing its a part of life. 

What I will do though, is be done.  I have blocked people who don't do much other than pick out every piece of negativity they can.  I have blocked those who go out of their way to pick apart every other person they can find that doesn't have a view of adoption that we may have. This is it. This is the end of this road for me. No more posts about competing, or gossiping, or whatever between adoption groups.  

I am here to find the POSITIVE, I am here to embrace the negative. I am here to do my best to help those who have had crappy adoption experiences. I am here to grow, and learn, and succeed in life. 

Stop gossiping about our community and what you do or don't know. Or what you THINK you do or don't know.  If you THINK this person is going to assume you stole their idea, GO TO THE SOURCE. Tell them of your concern, OR tell them that you got an idea from them, and that you wrote it about your story.  Good grief, if we were all allowed to only share 1 story or experience... we'd be SCREWED.  The end. We wouldn't have anything worth sharing, or growing from.  So STOP IT.  Be better. Be stronger. Be wiser. BE THE GOOD.  Push for the good. Push for the positive.  

Is that a rambling enough for the masses????  

Its all over the place I know, but oh my heart can't take anymore.  So its done. It has had all it will take. And I am going to go back to doing what I need to do to grow and heal.  What I need to do to be able to help another. Because that is what I am here to do. To be the good, to be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to have a friggin awesome sauce party with!!!!!!:)  Be jealous:)

I love this community, and all that we have in our hands to be proud of.  

So lets start being proud. Being the winners, the educators, and the fighters(in a good way). 

LOVE YOU ADOPTION GROUPS, ALL OF YOU.

We need a united front.  WE ARE ALL FIGHTING FOR THE GOOD OF ADOPTION.

How can we educate, and instill the idea of adoption if there is so much crud? Lets just stop.  

become UNITED.

Competetion?

I haven't been in the adoption advocacy game very long.  At least, not publicly. I was able to become more involved when I found Open Adoption, Open Heart.  I slowly started making comments here and there, and soon realized what a great thing this was!  

 Only within the last couple months or so, has my involvement grown and expanded to the point I am at now.  In that time I've been able to come in contact with SO MANY birth parents.  Many stories good, many stories bad, many similar to mine, and some extreme opposites.  The idea of what is possible in sharing and becoming an advocate... is AMAZING!  The things that are happening are dreams come true!  

But, then you have something else that you see on this side of the fence.  Something I wasn't prepared for, or even anticipated. The idea that there are, more than not, birth parents competing with other birth parents. Support groups, or adoption advocacy groups, competing with other groups.  To be honest, I was IN SHOCK, to say the least.  

Why. In. The. World. are we competing?!  We all came to this point, to this title, by the same ropes. We all placed children for adoption. Whether it be by choice, or by force, or in faith, or fear, we are all here sharing in this experience.  There is no one story that is the same. NOT A SINGLE ONE.  We all have a different outlook. A different experience. A different love, and life.  What we DO have, is that we are all birth parents. We all love those babies we placed, we love their parents, and even though we are all at different places, we are HERE.  

WE need to be here supporting each other, supporting ALL groups.  Supporting ALL things positive in adoption. That doesn't mean that we cower away from, or ignore the hard, negative things. But, why not take the road we are all on and build each other up?!!!   Why not push each other to be the best we can. To help others the best we can?  We are all here, together. I don't know what else to say, how else to say it... 

QUIT THE COMPETING, the BELITTLING, and the BASHING.  

Start supporting, encouraging, and celebrating!  

We are all in this together. WE all need to be better. 

Do it. It really is that simple. JUST DO IT.  BE BETTER.

Hope for the Future

Day 30: HOPE FOR THE FUTURE

"Hope for the future. That its gonna be ok. I'm going to make it and we can only get better. As long as I do my part, it will be ok. #adoption challenge #photoaday #adoption #birthmom #30days #itsok #hope"

from Instagram

I hope for Openness. I hope for success. I hope for forgiveness. I hope for Joy. I hope for a life full of love and laughter for ALL who were/are involved in my adoption process. That I cant make anyone see anything but what they want to see. And I can't change what any one thinks. That those who still harbor hard feelings towards me because I was one girl who got pregnant in HS, can see PEOPLE can CHANGE. And that Hopefully, someone, anyone, reading this will gain an insight to what adoption is. What adoption is for me. It isn't always perfect. It isn't always dandelions and roses, but its the best thing that happened to me. It changed me for the better. 

And I am forever grateful for this experience. I hope that I can influence someone to make a decision for themselves and not for anyone else. To think about the child, and not what they want.  That if it is the right choice to Place, that you will have peace.  That the pain will be ever present, but the peace will carry you through.  That if Parenting is right for you, that you will also have peace, understanding and strength to help yourself and that child grow and succeed. If you choose to marry. That you can work together, as a team. To agree to disagree on MANY occasions, but respect and carry and love each other!

It was a month full of changes and growth.  There is nothing better that more steps forward in healing in your adoption journey.  There isn't much left to "heal", somethings that may never be healed, but in time can only be waited upon.  Between this Photo-a-day and the Journaling the Adoption ABC's class, it was a lot to work through. To remember and go through it all, almost over again. But I have learned to laugh at the journal entry's that were kept.  And forgive others for their shortcomings. And that change is good. And I'm looking forward to more time to serve this adoption world/community and hope to help someone in need.

- jena

26-27-28

26: Parenthood Means

Parenthood means : messes, snuggles, happiness, laughter, sacrifice, sleep deprivation.

It means being so excited to see your little girl come home to write in her "diary".

To hear that angel boy is SO smart and is excelling at so many things.

Parenthood means that nothing is the same. Every day is different. Some days are bad.

Some days are good. But every moment is one we need to learn from and grow from. To teach them how to be successful in life, and be a better person that you could be.

 

Day 27: My Happy Place

Happy happy place is DRIVING. If I need to clear my head, be alone, think, anything... its on the road.

I have always loved driving. I have always loved the time it took to drive anywhere. 

I had a "spot" in Logan where I would go to think, to pray, to ponder about the choices I was going to have to make eventually.  To wonder if they were the right ones or not...  But being behind the road is always a perfect spot for me!

Day 28: Thankful:

Another video. Another non-uploading work by me:)

Truly, it was a day to be Thankful. Thanksgiving is my FAVORITE Holiday. I love being surrounded by family. Remember what we are Thankful for. I loved being with my hubbs family, the giggles from the kids. The conversations with the adults, the Turkey bowl.  Its just a good day to eat way to much food, and spend time being thankful for everything.   

 Day 29: Family Tradition

ok- So really seeing a movie isn't a "tradition" but, since there wasn't a birthday this is what we post:)

The family tradition that is my favorite, and always will be, is Blueberry Muffins for breakfast on your BIRTHDAY.  In a basket we put together for E and his family, I had a box of Blueberry muffins. Among other things, it was the one thing that is just my favorite. Being able to tell them of everything in the basket and the significance of each item.  Its just fun.

Do you have any Adoption Traditions???

Day 23: Something Big

Something big was forgiveness. Forgiving someone who nearly destroyed everything I was, wanted to be, could be.  I allowed the lies, and dishonesty, and more lies even after, to break me. It took a LONG time to fully, 110%, forgive. Since then, life has been good. I am happy for them, happy for change, happy that people have the opportunity to be something different. It was something I'd hoped would happen for me. Now, I am glad it didn't, but I'm glad for what I learned, and gained, through forgiveness!

Day 24: Moment of Courage

It was my daddy's Birthday... And oh how I love him. We have been wayyyyyyy up and down in our relationship. We had a lot of head butting, fighting, screaming, running away...  We don't really talk about this much... about the adoption... about how it makes me feel... about how they felt... so I try to imagine...

I think those days were a big moment of courage for my momma and papa. To kiss their grandson goodbye. To watch their daughters heart be broken to the smallest of bits possible...  I wonder how it felt...

Day 25: Life before Adoption

 

Life was the best. Friends, friends, and more friends. Trips to Seven Peaks, Orem to see Boys, football road trips. Boys coming to visit me at home. it was a blast. My friends were a blast. The sad part... I didn't get to do much of those things my Senior year, because I was to caught up in a boy... that didn't go to high school... who I thought was amazing...  Good grief. Can you believe what I missed?!!!!

Day 20 - Something Little

" Little blue socks. My heart hurts today a little. Not sure why. But it does. #adoptionchallenge #photoaday #somethinglittle #birthmom #adoption #socks #little #babyboy "  taken from my Instagram

These are my FAVORITE thing of his from the time we had together. His feet were SO itty bitty. They would fall off all the time, but I loved them. They don't smell like him anymore though... And that's OK. But I miss him. 

Day 21: Sacrifice

"Sacrifice. At that moment he was mine. That name band said so. My heart said so. I had to sacrifice every single thing that made him mine. Because I knew he was theirs. I sacrificed my heart, his name, my life, for him. I DO NOT regret it! #adoption #hospital #snuggles #birthmom #adoption #adoptionchallenge #sacrifice" - again, taken from my instagram

The thing is, I still know he is theirs. I still know that he was always supposed to be theirs. I know that I love him more than life, and that sacrifice was worth all his happiness, and experiences!  Those moments changed me. I don't know that I will ever have a moment where I will have to sacrifice something that big again. I really don't want to have to sacrifice something even remotely close. He is my heart!

 Day 22: JOY

 

There's no other simple way to put it. THIS IS JOY. These people, each one separately and together, I love desperately!  I love them more than they will ever know. They are my family. They are perfection, love, joy, excitement, family.... it just doesn't stop.  That boy and his daddy!  That boy and his dog... his family. Its all to much for my heart. It might explode with happiness:)

sixiteen going on seventeen

Day 16: Family Through Adoption

This beautiful, amazing, gorgeous family, are family through adoption.

I dated the Mommas brother, and only met her a handful of times. But this family was awesome on its own anyway!  I had no idea about their wanting to adopt. I wondered if they even knew I was a Birth Mom.  But anyway...  I had the opportunity to do an adoption panel one evening. I had a feeling that I should bring a girl, who I worked with, who was pregnant, but just brushed it off. As I was sharing my story I looked over to see the beautiful momma and daddy in this picture. IT WAS THEM!  I knew immediately why they needed to meet the girl I should have brought.  And... long story short... they are the adoptive couple to that amazing girlies daughter. The oldest. And I was able to be a part of that.

AMAZING EXPERIENCE!  I am forever changed being on the "receiving" end of an adoption!  

Day 17: Lessons Learned:

Simply put... there are SO MANY... but these are a few.

1~ I can do REALLY hard things.

2. The Lord is there for me when I ask for help.

3. Forgiveness is Key to progress.

4. Healing still happens.

5. Its OK to hope the best for others.

6. I am head over heels for adoption.

7. I am grateful for the knowledge gained through this experience.

Day 18: Friends

Becoming Pregnant in HS... being one of the good girls that hadn't done that kind of stuff... it was really shocking to see who my friends really were.  I was shocked at the PARENTS of some of my so called friends. "You can't associate with her anymore."  Especially when it came from someone whose child was sexually active... but she didn't know it... and hadn't got caught.  I remember thinking I could still be friends with these people after this experience. Nope. It was a daily challenge to fit in with those people. It was just to different. But I have made the BEST OF FRIENDS because I am a Birth Parent. I am so so grateful for women who can love me for all that I am, in spite of my past!

Day 19: The Best Sound

I don't have a photo for this... I had a video... and it doesn't want to load.

But the best sound, has to be laughter.  The laughter of my own babies. The laughter of S and she tells me a story about E. The laughter of those angel boys laughing at their dad cause he is stuck on the kid "Ferris wheel" Its pure joy, and heals my heart. No matter how mad or hurt, laughter breaks me!

running out of titles

Day 13: The Worst Memory

 Darkness, cold, alone, and the middle of the night. 

I can't go into more than that... this was one of the worst nights during my adoption journey.

its still painful. SUPER painful.  And no one understands what it did to me. 

I felt broken, worthless, ALONE, ignored, misunderstood, misguided, deceived, questioned...

Day 14: Turning point

 This family, that girl, and the dad that isn't pictured.  This was my turning point.

My two best friends at this time, Mal and Meg. My Leenie and her hubby Dave, and little Judd. 

Leenie, Mal, Dave, Judd, and Joe(who was gone on a mission), took me into their home when I was 71/2 months pregnant.  They showed me something, though never verbally, or pushy, or anything bad, that I DESPERATELY needed to see.  I got to have my own room, and mal and meg slept on my floor pretty much every single night that I lived there.  They were sisters to me at a time when I didn't really have any.

My Leenie and Dave. I still remember your blessing daddy Dave:).  You people changed my life!

Day 15: Birth/First Family

My leenie took pictures for us the day of placement. We were able to take little E home for a few hours between leaving the hospital and placement. 

We were SO toxic together. We fought all the time. There was abuse. There was lying. There was everything wrong. But we did, both of us, love love LOVE that little boy more than anything.  We were still his family. At least for a little while. And we'll always be his Birth Family.  And E has something that so many adoptive children don't, a birth father that was in the picture. I don't know if they still have contact now, but I hope, for E, that they do.  I do, because I know people can change. And I want him to be able to see the good that i could see in his BF.

Ten Fingers and Toes

Day 10: The Easiest Decision

 Hands down, no ifs ands or buts, peanut butter jelly time, easiest decision was THEM.

You hear Birth Parents say, I just knew.  And there is NO other way for us to describe to you what we feel when we find these amazing parents.  I KNEW the second I saw A walking up with their profile, that was it. I knew it.  "S told me to give you a big hug and tell you she loves you."  It was true, there wasn't anything behind it, I knew that woman, whom i'd never met, would still love me even if I wouldn't have chosen her. But I KNEW it was them.  I am lucky that finding them was easy. It wasn't easy getting the BF on board, but he said it was right too.  It was them:)

Day 11. First Adoption Memory

 The First Adoption Memory. Lying on a bed. Staring at the celing. Wondering how in the world this all just happened. Why did i let it go that far? Why was I supposed to be this person for my baby? Why did it hurt so dang much?!!!!! And then, pure absolute peace. It didn't stay long. But it stayed long enough. #adoptionchallenge #birthmom #memories #adoption #adoptionmemory

Via Instagram

Even sitting here... it gives me chills.  Remembering that first night... hurting so bad... but feeling so much peace.

 Day 12: Birthday

How lucky am I ?!  I have gotten the. most. beautiful. flowers over the last 10 years. 

I am not a huge flower person, or wasn't, until these beauties showed up. they're never the same. and its always always the number of years:) 

I am so thankful to be his birth momma. SO SO SO thankful

7-9-11

Day 7:  Childhood

 I always wanted to be a mom. I always said I'd be so cool and I would have sleepovers with my Little's as often as possible.  I'd build forts, play outside, color...  You know, the usual.

The thing is, I haven't done nearly enough of it. But I sure love when we do.  This little girl LOVES late nights/sleepovers. Though, my back doesn't give love to me when she BEGS to sleep on the floor.

And, her attitude doesn't love me when she is up late. so we try to limit this.

Day 8:  LOVE

 Here's the deal ladies and gents. I doubt, seriously, that there is a couple in this world that are more perfect than these two! I love them to death. I hated having to walk away from them after our first meeting. I hated not being able to share all the fun things with them.  I wish I could talk to S EVERY DAY. Just to hear her happiness. I have fallen more head over heels for R every year. He is SO FUNNY. Not kidding, and he is such an amazing amazing daddy!  He pretty much rocks the daddy role.  And, i love them. I could not imagine my life without them in it!  Its hard when we go for a while without chatting!  I miss them so much. Truly truly miss THEM. Not the kids(though I do miss them terribly) But I miss my brother and sister!

Day 9: Openness

Here is the gorgeousness of this photo:

You have momma, and daughter(also an amazing birth momma) on the left. The one and only Big Tough Girl, Ashley in the middle, and LDSFS caseworker Stace on the right. 

Only in this day and age, will you be able to see this group of women together. Miss Shay, beautiful Blondie on the left, had placed only 2 weeks prior.  Not only does she look amazing, but her spirit was so full. She had been able to see her little angel girl a couple times after placement. They have a BEAUTIFUL open adoption and its incredible the healing that comes along with a relationship with that baby, AND those Parents.  Truly awe inspiring.  

BTG, Ashley, is a frigging ROCK STAR. I love her to death, and she is as cool in person as she is on the Internet. She is raw, real, honest, and gives it to ya straight. She is such a support in the Birth Mom community!  She is the one who put on the Adoption ABC's class, that I can't wait to do again:)

Case workers, with good hearts, great faith, and support of decisions based on what those girls want, they are incredible.  Stacey loves her Birth Mommas dearly, and loves her Parenting mommas, and Getting married mommas. They are so so supportive to those girls!  Its all about communication, planning, relying on what you say and do. 

I love openness!

-Jena

Photo-A-Day part Duex

Day 4: The Hardest Decision

There is something about this picture... there are 4 hands here. R's, S's, Mine, & BF's.

What this represents to me is that we are all there, carrying and loving that angel boy. That we are all there for his best interest. That we LOVE him, all of us. 

Why was this the hardest decision?  Because I was his mom. Because he was still mine. Because as a mother, I can't imagine placing one of my babies I have now. I don't know how I did it then. I truly had to be carried by the Love of my Father in Heaven. To have the Spirit remind my soul and heart over and over that it was right.  Letting him out of my arms. was. the. hardest. decision. But it was right. Oh I know it, and I'll never doubt it. I can't explain it, its only something a Birth Parent can understand.  But I love him. I love love love him and his mom and dad. HIS MOM and DAD!!!!

“Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful...” Jose N. Harris

Day 5: The Best Memory

Each of these memories are the best. Each have brought me different experiences, different love, different challenges.

Bottom left: My angel boy & myself. It was heart wrenching, and joyful all at one moment. 

Bottom right: Myself and my first little. Lou. Oh I was in sticker shock after having her... "uh... what do i do?" What do you do when you finally get to take them home?!

Top left: my chubby Roo and myself.  She had breathing problems that scared me to death.

Top right: Myself and my Bubba.  Six weeks early, broke my heart, and didn't get to hold him all but 4 times in his first week of life. Holy my heart. 

These moments rocked me. Each and every one. But they are all the best:)

Day 6: My View

View one and two. Both of the same day, both only MINUTES between.  

The thing that expectant moms/dads/parents, married or not, need to know....  

BEING A PARENT IS HARD HARD HARD.  

It is a battle of demons every day to not scream. To not mull over the little things. To remember that, if they ate breakfast, and aren't willing/wanting to eat lunch, they'll eat when they're hungry. And if they decide to not listed to me, and the end up shattering a bottle of jelly... hopefully they'll have learned their lesson!

 Is it hard, and frustrating, and do I question myself every day.  YUP. But I am grateful that I get to be a mother. I am even more grateful I get to be married to a man who is a great father. 

I am blessed because my angel boy has a mom and dad who can provide everything he will ever want/need. They can support him physically, emotionally, spiritually, temporally.  Its pretty incredible seeing them interact as a family, to hear the little voices while I talk to his mom.