Day 23: Something Big

Something big was forgiveness. Forgiving someone who nearly destroyed everything I was, wanted to be, could be.  I allowed the lies, and dishonesty, and more lies even after, to break me. It took a LONG time to fully, 110%, forgive. Since then, life has been good. I am happy for them, happy for change, happy that people have the opportunity to be something different. It was something I'd hoped would happen for me. Now, I am glad it didn't, but I'm glad for what I learned, and gained, through forgiveness!

Day 24: Moment of Courage

It was my daddy's Birthday... And oh how I love him. We have been wayyyyyyy up and down in our relationship. We had a lot of head butting, fighting, screaming, running away...  We don't really talk about this much... about the adoption... about how it makes me feel... about how they felt... so I try to imagine...

I think those days were a big moment of courage for my momma and papa. To kiss their grandson goodbye. To watch their daughters heart be broken to the smallest of bits possible...  I wonder how it felt...

Day 25: Life before Adoption

 

Life was the best. Friends, friends, and more friends. Trips to Seven Peaks, Orem to see Boys, football road trips. Boys coming to visit me at home. it was a blast. My friends were a blast. The sad part... I didn't get to do much of those things my Senior year, because I was to caught up in a boy... that didn't go to high school... who I thought was amazing...  Good grief. Can you believe what I missed?!!!!

Day 20 - Something Little

" Little blue socks. My heart hurts today a little. Not sure why. But it does. #adoptionchallenge #photoaday #somethinglittle #birthmom #adoption #socks #little #babyboy "  taken from my Instagram

These are my FAVORITE thing of his from the time we had together. His feet were SO itty bitty. They would fall off all the time, but I loved them. They don't smell like him anymore though... And that's OK. But I miss him. 

Day 21: Sacrifice

"Sacrifice. At that moment he was mine. That name band said so. My heart said so. I had to sacrifice every single thing that made him mine. Because I knew he was theirs. I sacrificed my heart, his name, my life, for him. I DO NOT regret it! #adoption #hospital #snuggles #birthmom #adoption #adoptionchallenge #sacrifice" - again, taken from my instagram

The thing is, I still know he is theirs. I still know that he was always supposed to be theirs. I know that I love him more than life, and that sacrifice was worth all his happiness, and experiences!  Those moments changed me. I don't know that I will ever have a moment where I will have to sacrifice something that big again. I really don't want to have to sacrifice something even remotely close. He is my heart!

 Day 22: JOY

 

There's no other simple way to put it. THIS IS JOY. These people, each one separately and together, I love desperately!  I love them more than they will ever know. They are my family. They are perfection, love, joy, excitement, family.... it just doesn't stop.  That boy and his daddy!  That boy and his dog... his family. Its all to much for my heart. It might explode with happiness:)

Joyeux Anniversaire

!!Joyeux Anniversaire = Happy Birthday!!

(in french)

Did you know back in September my angel boy had a birthday?  Well, he did and I said I would post all about it... I didn't... So here I am... with a lot on my mind... and I exercised this morning so I wouldn't have to tonight.  I had other plans, but here I am.

Here is what I started to write... back in September :

"Ten years have passed and my angel boy is Ten!  I can not imagine life 10 years ago, I never thought I would see this day. I couldn't imagine life moving forward, healing, changing. I can't believe how fast it really went.   

As the last two days have passed, they have been filled with moments. Moments of gratitude, thoughtfulness, wonder, awe, emotions, everything. I received a beautiful bouquet of roses yesterday, ten to be exact, and i love them. Everything they stand for. "

& Here is what I'll write now:

Everything that month... or everything that year... was a "moment". Every Holiday I celebrated TEN YEARS of that angel kid.  I celebrated the 10th anniversary of finding his mom and dad. Ten years since I found out I was pregnant. Ten years since I spent my first Mothers Day, pregnant and wondering. I should have sent some extra special gifts for  R & S for Fathers and Mothers Day this coming year since they weren't really "parents" ten years ago on those days. But, it was important to me.  It was important to me that they knew how i love and adore them.  The bad part....  Riley's gift got sabotaged. So I'm STILL trying to get it finished.

But all in all, I spent the month going through my "box". Smelling those baby blue socks. Reading my journals. Looking at the calendar. I looked at my own babies and sat in awe. I was so grateful. I still am grateful.

I found that little man loves music(LIKE ME!), and one specifically, Louis Armstrong!  My wedding music, my daily music, has always consisted of that rugged voice!  I was able to put together some music... and a VERY VERY... VERY long letter. Probably to long for a 10 year old but it was something I felt was time to send. Especially since his momma gives the best suggestions on what to give him. I hope that in the future he'll love that letter.

I learned that you can still have hard days. Even ten years later. And that in missing him, you miss his mom, his dad, his brother, and his sister. You want to go out with his mom so you can just watch her, and hear her voice that has calmed you so many times. And to hug her, laugh with her, cry with her, go to the temple with her.  To hug his dad, to tell him, I think of him all the time. I love him. He is the best daddy ever. And that I am sorry that i am the biggest procrastinator ever...  or that i always seem to have everything fall apart last second, so he gets left with the short end of the stick:).
I learned that I truly love both of their ENTIRE families!  I need to take a vaca to visit!!!

And whats more, than a reminder of how blessed I was to bring that boy into this world. Despite the circumstances. He is my hero. He is my daydream. he reminds me of how I love my babies.

Happy -late- Birthday angel boy!

- your birth momma - Jena

sixiteen going on seventeen

Day 16: Family Through Adoption

This beautiful, amazing, gorgeous family, are family through adoption.

I dated the Mommas brother, and only met her a handful of times. But this family was awesome on its own anyway!  I had no idea about their wanting to adopt. I wondered if they even knew I was a Birth Mom.  But anyway...  I had the opportunity to do an adoption panel one evening. I had a feeling that I should bring a girl, who I worked with, who was pregnant, but just brushed it off. As I was sharing my story I looked over to see the beautiful momma and daddy in this picture. IT WAS THEM!  I knew immediately why they needed to meet the girl I should have brought.  And... long story short... they are the adoptive couple to that amazing girlies daughter. The oldest. And I was able to be a part of that.

AMAZING EXPERIENCE!  I am forever changed being on the "receiving" end of an adoption!  

Day 17: Lessons Learned:

Simply put... there are SO MANY... but these are a few.

1~ I can do REALLY hard things.

2. The Lord is there for me when I ask for help.

3. Forgiveness is Key to progress.

4. Healing still happens.

5. Its OK to hope the best for others.

6. I am head over heels for adoption.

7. I am grateful for the knowledge gained through this experience.

Day 18: Friends

Becoming Pregnant in HS... being one of the good girls that hadn't done that kind of stuff... it was really shocking to see who my friends really were.  I was shocked at the PARENTS of some of my so called friends. "You can't associate with her anymore."  Especially when it came from someone whose child was sexually active... but she didn't know it... and hadn't got caught.  I remember thinking I could still be friends with these people after this experience. Nope. It was a daily challenge to fit in with those people. It was just to different. But I have made the BEST OF FRIENDS because I am a Birth Parent. I am so so grateful for women who can love me for all that I am, in spite of my past!

Day 19: The Best Sound

I don't have a photo for this... I had a video... and it doesn't want to load.

But the best sound, has to be laughter.  The laughter of my own babies. The laughter of S and she tells me a story about E. The laughter of those angel boys laughing at their dad cause he is stuck on the kid "Ferris wheel" Its pure joy, and heals my heart. No matter how mad or hurt, laughter breaks me!

running out of titles

Day 13: The Worst Memory

 Darkness, cold, alone, and the middle of the night. 

I can't go into more than that... this was one of the worst nights during my adoption journey.

its still painful. SUPER painful.  And no one understands what it did to me. 

I felt broken, worthless, ALONE, ignored, misunderstood, misguided, deceived, questioned...

Day 14: Turning point

 This family, that girl, and the dad that isn't pictured.  This was my turning point.

My two best friends at this time, Mal and Meg. My Leenie and her hubby Dave, and little Judd. 

Leenie, Mal, Dave, Judd, and Joe(who was gone on a mission), took me into their home when I was 71/2 months pregnant.  They showed me something, though never verbally, or pushy, or anything bad, that I DESPERATELY needed to see.  I got to have my own room, and mal and meg slept on my floor pretty much every single night that I lived there.  They were sisters to me at a time when I didn't really have any.

My Leenie and Dave. I still remember your blessing daddy Dave:).  You people changed my life!

Day 15: Birth/First Family

My leenie took pictures for us the day of placement. We were able to take little E home for a few hours between leaving the hospital and placement. 

We were SO toxic together. We fought all the time. There was abuse. There was lying. There was everything wrong. But we did, both of us, love love LOVE that little boy more than anything.  We were still his family. At least for a little while. And we'll always be his Birth Family.  And E has something that so many adoptive children don't, a birth father that was in the picture. I don't know if they still have contact now, but I hope, for E, that they do.  I do, because I know people can change. And I want him to be able to see the good that i could see in his BF.

Ten Fingers and Toes

Day 10: The Easiest Decision

 Hands down, no ifs ands or buts, peanut butter jelly time, easiest decision was THEM.

You hear Birth Parents say, I just knew.  And there is NO other way for us to describe to you what we feel when we find these amazing parents.  I KNEW the second I saw A walking up with their profile, that was it. I knew it.  "S told me to give you a big hug and tell you she loves you."  It was true, there wasn't anything behind it, I knew that woman, whom i'd never met, would still love me even if I wouldn't have chosen her. But I KNEW it was them.  I am lucky that finding them was easy. It wasn't easy getting the BF on board, but he said it was right too.  It was them:)

Day 11. First Adoption Memory

 The First Adoption Memory. Lying on a bed. Staring at the celing. Wondering how in the world this all just happened. Why did i let it go that far? Why was I supposed to be this person for my baby? Why did it hurt so dang much?!!!!! And then, pure absolute peace. It didn't stay long. But it stayed long enough. #adoptionchallenge #birthmom #memories #adoption #adoptionmemory

Via Instagram

Even sitting here... it gives me chills.  Remembering that first night... hurting so bad... but feeling so much peace.

 Day 12: Birthday

How lucky am I ?!  I have gotten the. most. beautiful. flowers over the last 10 years. 

I am not a huge flower person, or wasn't, until these beauties showed up. they're never the same. and its always always the number of years:) 

I am so thankful to be his birth momma. SO SO SO thankful

7-9-11

Day 7:  Childhood

 I always wanted to be a mom. I always said I'd be so cool and I would have sleepovers with my Little's as often as possible.  I'd build forts, play outside, color...  You know, the usual.

The thing is, I haven't done nearly enough of it. But I sure love when we do.  This little girl LOVES late nights/sleepovers. Though, my back doesn't give love to me when she BEGS to sleep on the floor.

And, her attitude doesn't love me when she is up late. so we try to limit this.

Day 8:  LOVE

 Here's the deal ladies and gents. I doubt, seriously, that there is a couple in this world that are more perfect than these two! I love them to death. I hated having to walk away from them after our first meeting. I hated not being able to share all the fun things with them.  I wish I could talk to S EVERY DAY. Just to hear her happiness. I have fallen more head over heels for R every year. He is SO FUNNY. Not kidding, and he is such an amazing amazing daddy!  He pretty much rocks the daddy role.  And, i love them. I could not imagine my life without them in it!  Its hard when we go for a while without chatting!  I miss them so much. Truly truly miss THEM. Not the kids(though I do miss them terribly) But I miss my brother and sister!

Day 9: Openness

Here is the gorgeousness of this photo:

You have momma, and daughter(also an amazing birth momma) on the left. The one and only Big Tough Girl, Ashley in the middle, and LDSFS caseworker Stace on the right. 

Only in this day and age, will you be able to see this group of women together. Miss Shay, beautiful Blondie on the left, had placed only 2 weeks prior.  Not only does she look amazing, but her spirit was so full. She had been able to see her little angel girl a couple times after placement. They have a BEAUTIFUL open adoption and its incredible the healing that comes along with a relationship with that baby, AND those Parents.  Truly awe inspiring.  

BTG, Ashley, is a frigging ROCK STAR. I love her to death, and she is as cool in person as she is on the Internet. She is raw, real, honest, and gives it to ya straight. She is such a support in the Birth Mom community!  She is the one who put on the Adoption ABC's class, that I can't wait to do again:)

Case workers, with good hearts, great faith, and support of decisions based on what those girls want, they are incredible.  Stacey loves her Birth Mommas dearly, and loves her Parenting mommas, and Getting married mommas. They are so so supportive to those girls!  Its all about communication, planning, relying on what you say and do. 

I love openness!

-Jena

Photo-A-Day part Duex

Day 4: The Hardest Decision

There is something about this picture... there are 4 hands here. R's, S's, Mine, & BF's.

What this represents to me is that we are all there, carrying and loving that angel boy. That we are all there for his best interest. That we LOVE him, all of us. 

Why was this the hardest decision?  Because I was his mom. Because he was still mine. Because as a mother, I can't imagine placing one of my babies I have now. I don't know how I did it then. I truly had to be carried by the Love of my Father in Heaven. To have the Spirit remind my soul and heart over and over that it was right.  Letting him out of my arms. was. the. hardest. decision. But it was right. Oh I know it, and I'll never doubt it. I can't explain it, its only something a Birth Parent can understand.  But I love him. I love love love him and his mom and dad. HIS MOM and DAD!!!!

“Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful...” Jose N. Harris

Day 5: The Best Memory

Each of these memories are the best. Each have brought me different experiences, different love, different challenges.

Bottom left: My angel boy & myself. It was heart wrenching, and joyful all at one moment. 

Bottom right: Myself and my first little. Lou. Oh I was in sticker shock after having her... "uh... what do i do?" What do you do when you finally get to take them home?!

Top left: my chubby Roo and myself.  She had breathing problems that scared me to death.

Top right: Myself and my Bubba.  Six weeks early, broke my heart, and didn't get to hold him all but 4 times in his first week of life. Holy my heart. 

These moments rocked me. Each and every one. But they are all the best:)

Day 6: My View

View one and two. Both of the same day, both only MINUTES between.  

The thing that expectant moms/dads/parents, married or not, need to know....  

BEING A PARENT IS HARD HARD HARD.  

It is a battle of demons every day to not scream. To not mull over the little things. To remember that, if they ate breakfast, and aren't willing/wanting to eat lunch, they'll eat when they're hungry. And if they decide to not listed to me, and the end up shattering a bottle of jelly... hopefully they'll have learned their lesson!

 Is it hard, and frustrating, and do I question myself every day.  YUP. But I am grateful that I get to be a mother. I am even more grateful I get to be married to a man who is a great father. 

I am blessed because my angel boy has a mom and dad who can provide everything he will ever want/need. They can support him physically, emotionally, spiritually, temporally.  Its pretty incredible seeing them interact as a family, to hear the little voices while I talk to his mom.  

Adoption Photo-A-Day part 1

Day 1. How I relate to Adoption

I am  Birth Momma. I am proud of that. It took a long time to be proud of that, but I am now.

I am a Birth Mom. I am a real Mom. I am a sister. I am a daughter. I am a friend. I am a fighter.

 I am a listener. I am a promise maker. I am a faith holder. I am a lover. I am a procrastinator. 

I am a perfectionist.  I am me.

"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you." Dr. Suess

Day 2: Bravery

"Brave. Walking out my patents front door. I didn't want to do it. And it to an unbelievable amount of bravery to do it. #adoptionchallenge #naam #brave #adoptionabc" taken from my Instagram

It really was the worst feeling... walking out my parents front door, to take that angel boy to his mom and dad. I didn't want to. I even asked BF if we could just not go. If we could just stay there. It made me sick, I still don't know how I got from my parents, to the car, to the meeting place, and back home.  Its a blur. But It was necessary, and it was absolutely right. 

"Bravery, is finding something more important that fear." -unknown

Day 3: My Family

I know, the quality is well... meh.  And Lou's face, well it was WAY to bright to face that way.  

But this is my family. This is what I have to show 10 years later. I don't have a degree, I don't have lots of money, I don't have a bunch of travel stamps. I have a husband, who works so hard. I have 3 beautiful children who are all so different its hurts. And i love them.  Its far from perfect, but we are still in the beginning:).  I love them. They love me. And its a perfect imperfection.

"Family is not an important thing, ts everything." - Michael J. Fox

Novemer was last year...

Clearly holidays give me buzz brains.  I truly couldn't focus on more than a few things at once. And, truly, i think its something that I'm going to have to change. BUSY is not cool.  Busy isn't all that its cracked up to be. I enjoyed being busy with kids, family, and my hubby. I did not do very much of anything "holiday-ish" the month of December. Yes extenuating circumstances, but it was quite relaxing to avoid the hustle and bustle of the crazy town where I live. 

There was no Christmas tree(and I wasn't planning on having one), unil 4-5 days before Christmas. I had a mantle of a few festivities... it was overall, very plain.  I am not sure if it was good or bad, but I am really hoping that I can teach my babies the goodness of simplicity. That you don't need a whole bunch of STUFF. They were spoiled, the girls got "tablets", bubba got his trucks, and life was good.  They don't know any better. Oh how i love that they don't understand "life" right now.

Then there was that month of November... the one last year not this year:)  I was able to participate in all things Adoption.  It was an amazing experience, because half of the time it was NEW.  Yes, 10 years later I am still experiencing NEW adoption things.  I participated in the "Photo-a-day" adoption style. Since November is NATIONAL ADOPTION AWARENESS MONTH.

I also Participated in a class hosted by Ashley Mitchel of Blessings In A Basket.  A-MA-ZING!  I'll be posting more on that later... figures I want to start out with what is 100% done, and not what I'm still working on.

So... on to the next blog post.

I hope 2014 is Better that 2014 for you all!