5 months

Its been almost 6 months since I've written.... I am not sure what to write today.  Computer-less for almost 6 months. Thoughts building up for almost 6 months.  And today, I don't know what to say.

So, to be honest, today I hate adoption.

Today, I hate being a birth mother. I hate the supposed "birth mom bond" that is supposed to unite birth parents.  I hate that I got involved in the adoption community.  Today, I just hate it.  Its been months of feeling so much anger and disgust. Not just for others, but for myself as well.



6 months after placing, LDSFS had set up a plan for updates.  For the first 3 months, I got pictures and letters once a week.  Since I, apparently, lived in the stone age, we communicated by letters, in the mail.  Pictures were printed and sent with the letter.  I had usually 5 or more pictures with each letter. They updated me on how E was doing, and how they were doing.  For three months, I very much needed to know how he was.  I needed that affirmation to keep my head on straight.  I needed to know that my decision was right.  I knew that he would have been in such a toxic atmosphere those first 3 months(had I parented).  But, I still needed to know that he was OK(even if Ii knew he was).  Every letter, every picture, eased so much pain and FEAR.  I SAW the joy in each face in each picture. I saw him being held, cherished, loved, adored, and carefully cared for.  He was perfection, and so were his family.

The next 3 months I received pictures every other week.  With each letter that arrived in the mail, more and more anxieties, fears, and pains were diminishing, many had been extinguished completely.  He was smiling, giggling, chubby, blondie, blue eyed, and the most handsome little boy EVER.  NO BATTLE.  I grew more and more love for his mom and dad, more and more love for his grandmas and grandpas, and for the every growing testament of the peace of where he was. He was home.



I owe SO SO SO SO SO much of my healing, my happiness, and my love for adoption, to his amazing mom and dad.  I was able to heal, to move forward, and grow because of their promises kept, and promises made.  Because they allowed me to know where he was, to know he was OK(with boundaries included) I was able to have peace fill my soul.

I went out with a dear birth mom friend this week.  My heart broke, tears were shed, and anger filled my heart towards people who "owe" so much to her.  I say that and then want to smack myself because they don't owe her.  Adoptive families don't owe us anything.  You don't owe a birth parent anything. We made the choice, we made the plan, we followed through. We chose to sign relinquishment papers, we chose to not be mom.  BUT, in that, we are still a mom, we still love them with every single ounce of our being.

Though you don't owe us "anything", you do owe us something.  By sacrificing every bit of human nature because we love our children.  Because we broke every ounce of mothering instinct to place those babies into the arms of the families that were supposed to be, we truly, TRULY, deserve respect.  I know there are lines, I know every situation is different.  I AM NOT BLIND to the crazy, to the alcoholic, to the mentally incapable, to the drugged... there are situations where you can be respectful but have to have VERY tight and closed boundaries.

What I can say, is that though adoption will not be "them" it will not define them completely, it will be  HUGE part of who they are.  Because of adoption, they have a home, they have a family.  Because of adoption they aren't biologically the same... so that will cause medical situations.  It will be a part of them.  My numerous adopted friends(since before I became a birth parent) say that adoption is a part of them, not defining them, but a part of them.

Adoption, for birth parents, doesn't define us either. It doesn't say what kind of person we are because we became pregnant and chose to place a child for adoption. It doesn't make us sluts, or whores, or druggies, or terrible horrible no good people.  It doesn't make us all crazy, or angry, or ruined.  For many, it helps us find out who we really are.  For many it made us open our eyes to what we REALLY wanted in life.  For many, it was the only way back to Him.

Respect us.  Love us. You can do so with boundaries.  UPDATE your birth families.  Let them know how those littles are doing, how YOU are doing. Let them know they are healthy and happy.  Let them know that they are THRIVING.  Why should you do this?  Because without knowledge, we are left empty.  We are left to question the very thing we chose. We are left in wonder of their health, their bonding, their well being.  Update, because those pictures and letters, even if its a quick text, or short 1 paragraph email, THOSE HEAL.  Those pictures were a CONSTANT reaffirmation of RIGHT.  They were always there to set my aching heart back to peaceful.  I KNEW he was fine, and he was where he was supposed to be.


So... we can even go a step further...

VISITS --

They happen.  Crazy right.  I mean, how can someone "give away" their child and then expect a visit?  No, this is not a like a divorce. No, we do not share parenting responsibilities(nor should parenting responsibilities be shared).  We do not get them "ever other weekend", or "for the summer" or whatever it is that divorcees have to deal with.  BUT what there can be, are in person visits, to show love and care for all those involved in the adoption triad.

Could you believe, that when I saw that little boy for the first time, I was scared, and maybe a little heartbroken?  I had waited 2 years to see him in real life again, and when I did, I realized he wasn't my little boy.  That part was heartbreaking; that he grew up from my 3 day old baby.  At three days old he became a member of his eternal family.  I was scared because I didn't know how I would feel. I was scared that I would break down. That the connection with his parents wouldn't be there... Did you know, though, that as they walked forward with their families, all those fears were filled with pure and utter HAPPINESS and EXCITEMENT!!!!  I couldn't have been more happy that he didn't have a clue who I was, and that he clung to his mom and dad.  It was a dream come true.  Could you believe that SO SO SO many holes and questions and fears were healed.  HEALED!

I could have gone the rest of my life with little to no contact after that day.  Why?  Because I saw, first hand, that he was PERFECT.  I have such a testimony of the power of prayer, of faith, and of God answering questions.  That moment strengthened me, and showed me much of what I had lost when I became pregnant. That day, helped me... find me.



When people say that they have never seen their birth child/children after placement, it breaks my heart. Only, because I know what it did for my heart, my soul, and my mind.  It breaks my heart because even thought they say they are ok(which i know there are some who are truly ok) they aren't.  I can't say that every single birth parent deserves a visit.... we all know when they shouldn't or can't.  But, in a lot of cases, we just would love to see them WITH YOU.  Pictures are wonderful, letters are amazing, and texts are like Christmas morning, but being able to see them, with our own eyes....  PEOPLE I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT IT DID FOR ME. There are no words to express it. There is no way to show it.  But I can STILL feel it, when I think about it.


So why do I Hate adoption today...  because I hate adoption for my families, who just want to see those families.  Who just would love to sit down and watch y'all interact, and be a family.  I hate it for so many other reasons right now too...


I know I don't have people reading this a lot... I think that is good because it wasn't my desire for this... and it is going to be very sporadic writing anymore.  I am pulling out of the adoption community. I need out. I need a break. I need solace.  I need peace.  I am lucky to know the people I do because of adoption. I am lucky to be friends with so many now.  I'll keep those intact...  but I can't put this out there anymore.  Not like I have been.  Its kinda ruined me lately.  And I hate it.   So ... for my last post for however long... Adoptive families(who are REAL families) I hope you can see and hear what has been written.  I know that you know what will work, what is possible, what is right.  But I also hope that hearts will be softened and that you'll be able to let a visit happen, or even be able to send those pictures they are so desperately needed.  They will heal. They will give peace. They will save.

She Doesn't Have Days Like This

** Disclaimer **  please be gentle with me. This is hard.

~ She gets the laundry done

~ The dishes don't pile up

~ Chores get done 

~ Kids don't fight with her

~ She gets dressed, and her hair gets done every day

~ Prayers & Scripture study are daily

~ She doesn't yell

~ She doesn't threaten

~ She doesn't get frustrated

She WANTS to be a mom.

I have had these thoughts running through my mind, continuously, for 2 weeks. To the point I even wrote it all out in one of my "thought journals". Its been a hard few weeks being a mom. So... I guess I'll share a story:

I wasn't married when I got pregnant with E (NO REALLY?  I am sure you didn't know that). I wasn't married with I got pregnant with my oldest little Louis either.  (didn't know that one did ya?)

I wasn't in a bad relationship, I wasn't sleeping around, I wasn't doing anything bad... except, oh ya, having sex before I was married. There was one HUGE difference, no really there was.

My husband and I got engaged in November. We went and spent Thanksgiving with my family that following weekend to "celebrate" and share the engagement.  We had already planned that we wanted to be married in the LDS Temple (I am LDS, and you can learn more about the temple here) and we would do that the following October. On the way home from that trip we decided that we needed to change our plans. There was no reason why(at that point) for this change, other than us feeling like it was something we should do. That meant no temple marriage at that point. That meant a lot of questions, or angry people, but we felt it was right.  So we moved up the date. 

In that time we still tried to be good... ya know.. good to not sleeping together... and then I needed to take a pregnancy test in January... and it was positive. 

Lets be honest, I was NOT ready to be a mother. Yes, the circumstances were different, and in my favor (for the most part), but I was still not ready.   As we sat in the bathroom, looking at those lines, I even said OUT LOUD, "Maybe we shouldn't get married. Are you sure you want to get married. I don't want people to think we are getting married because of this. ARE YOU SURE?"

He laughed, because of course he wanted to marry me,(who wouldn't right LOL) So we talked to our families about what the situation was... and it was WORSE than the first time. I HATED every second of it! 

And we moved forward with our planned wedding date. 

So, we got married, and i was 3 months pregnant, and it was a drama filled day. And we went on our honeymoon, and I was sick, and we had a baby. 

I was not ready to be a mom.
We were living with his parents to save money. To prepare for the upcoming life change. It was rough.
he worked 2 jobs. I worked 1 job, until i almost had a baby 6 weeks early, then i hung out for a bit. I thought I was ready. I thought I could do it. I thought that I would be the best mom in the world. I thought... I paid the ultimate price, and sacrificed a whole lot, so that I could be a mom, in the right circumstances, someday.  Oh boy was there a wake up call to be had.

I realized REAL quick... it wasn't all I had hoped.

She cried, A LOT.
She spit up, A LOT. And not just little spits. Spits, as in me having to change my clothes MULTIPLE times a day.  She was a great baby during the day, but I could not help her at night. I was tired. She was tired. WE were tired. Many nights her dad got up to be sobbing, and her sobbing, and I went to the bathroom and cried, and he held her in the rocking chair and consoled her. What in the world was wrong with me?!  Why couldn't I take care of her?!
 3 1/2 years later I had my 2nd of my own. Lots of curve balls thrown in before and after her birth. 9 1/2 months later, and six weeks earlier than planned, baby #3 joined the clan.

And here we are...

Dishes pile up.
laundry doesn't get done. Or only gets half done.
Chores don't get done.(or do because I end up having a nervous breakdown)
 Louis fights me CONSTANTLY, and littles #2 & 3 are joining in.
I rarely get dressed anymore. And makeup is very optional.(even if I get dressed)
I don't pray or read daily, at least not on my own.
I yell.... a LOT.
I make dumb threats all the time.
And I feel like a failure 99.999% of the time.
Right now... I don't want to be a mom.

I didn't believe anything other than S being perfect. I still believe she is. I have only been around her 6 times in 11 years, but in that time I KNOW who she is. She is the most soft spoken, caring, loving, honest, hardworking, positive person on the planet(NO JOKE).  I have been around their family. And I am equally positive that they are the same way. They are INCREDIBLE parents. Encouraging, and patient, and kind, and PERFECT.  I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see her parent her children. I wish I knew what I could do, because I am so far from being like her. 
I always wanted (and still want) to be like her. I want to be the kind of wife and mother she is. I want to have a soft voice. A loving soul. I want to work on being perfect, because she works so hard, and as achieving that perfection.


I know i have seen many adoptive families having a hard time being "perfect".  The thing is, you ARE perfect. You are prefect for us. You are perfect for the expectant parents looking for the forever family to their babies. You are the perfect match for each person you come to.  Perfection, though, doesn't mean you are perfect. Perfection, in my eyes as a birth parent, is trying daily to do your best. I want real, I want mistakes. Knowing that you AREN'T perfect is an answer to prayers. Because we want to meet your expectations. We want to be positive, and better than we were yesterday. We want to exceed our own expectations, so that if there is openness, if there is a meeting later in the years, that we can say, I DID IT!
We want to be the parents to our own kids, that you are to yours. Those children we placed belong with you. When we chose you, we chose what we knew to be right.

Does it make it better or easier for me today? No... to be honest.
Today... OK for a few weeks... I just don't want to be a mom. Because I am failing them. I am failing myself. I am failing their dad. I am failing the expectations I set for me. I am failing at achieving even the SLIGHTEST bit of perfection that She is. I am not even close. And right now, it just makes me want to cry.

So today... I'll cry... and tomorrow I'll reevaluate and post again. So I'll have to finish with this quote:

And I know it all to well.

Profile #2

What can I say about this next family? I honestly haven't met the boys:), but oh oh oh how I LOVE Dawnett.

I met D at a panel at Dixie High School. I hadn't presented in YEARS, and I had NEVER presented with Adoptive Parents. It was pretty awesome, and her story is pretty amazing!  I LOVE getting to hear her speak and share her story. I especially love that she married "the uncle" of her friend:).  

Dawnett is ... amazing. She is the mommy to the most handsome 7 year old, and wife to a equally as handsome dude(PS his name is Brad).  And they are so fun. Dawnett has such a love for adoption, for birth moms, and adoptive families. She is so generous, and caring, and truly LOVES the heck outta everyone.  

They were blessed with their little man when he was almost 1, and the bond was instant. They have such an amazing love for him, and for his birth family. They often visit each others homes, and love to chat and support each other. They are so unique in their openness and love!

Through her struggle, she has helped so many, and has been such a good voice for those little teenagers to hear!  And a good voice for adoption advocacy.  Life never goes the way we plan, there are often bumps and bruises on the way, but she has battled through.  and OH I LOVE HER!!!

So, lets get the word out, and find their family!!!!!

(sorry D- im a theiving fool, and stole your pictures off FB)

their profile: HERE

Profile

I may be a weird Birth Mother, but I LOVE advocating for Hopeful Adoptive Couples/Families. It doesn't hurt either when they are some of my most favorite people.   I have been blessed to help in the "match" of an expectant mother, and a hopeful adoptive couple.  It was an amazing thing to witness, and prayers were answered for ALL involved. That is a story that isn't mine to tell, but it is one I get to share that much of. The experience was surreal, and incredible. I still am in shock of how profound Gods hands are in the lives of others. How his guidance, nudges, or big pushes, put us into places where we can be of service to others.  

I have MANY friends hoping to adopt. Tonight, I want to talk about Brett & Candace.

I "met" Candace when I found the group, Open Adoption Open Heart, and I clicked with her, just as I did the founders Jammie & Russell.  

Candace and Brett have a BEAUTIFUL family, with boys Sawyer & Jamison. And they have BEAUTIFUL birth families, and oh how they love them. I can't begin to tell you how many times I get to hear of how much she just LOVES those in her kids birth families, and how she misses them so much. They love their big, grafted, family. She has also taken me in as an "adopted birth mom", and I have adopted her as my adopted adoptive mom:).  We sure love each other. 

What touched me, and drew me to love them more, was the video they had on their youtube channel, Our Adoption Option, of the day they brought Jamison home.  The love that radiated from her family, her son, her SISTER(whose reaction is what truly did me in).  You can watch it HERE.

This family love love LOVES these people, and i love them too. They are AMAZING.

Their approved and ready and waiting for their birth families, and the amazing miracle that will be their child. And I hope they find them soon, because they have been waiting and waiting. They have been praying to make sure they are doing what is right, and needed. That the timing may be perfect and right for everyone. Candace(because i talk to her most:)), has been waiting especially. Wondering who she gets to love on for the rest of forever. Wondering where that amazing expectant mom is, and hoping she is loved, and knows how much she is already loved!  

And, I'll be holding a fundraiser in the next week or 2 for them as well!!!!

SO GO CHECK EM OUT!!!!

Their youtube video & other videos:)

Their Adoption profile

Their Blog

Exploring McCall

After we chilled for a minute, we went "down town", it was the cutest ever!  

It was so fun just chillin and walking around. Looking through the tiny shops, the paint your own pottery store, the wine tasting party. I just was happy I was surrounded by these women. Because they changed me. They came into my life at a time I felt broken, and breaking. They lifted me and loved me in a way I'd never been, and it was sincere. They are AMAZING!!!!!

And what do amazing people do after they walk around for a bit?

And then you go eat, and play more, and go to the grocery store at 11, and laugh and play, and love each other so much you could scream.  It was so fun. The beds were super comfy, and the company was even better!!!!

McCall (I-Da-Ho)

The next morning we awoke, ate, and headed out.

The thing is, we didn't know where we were going(or at least I didn't), and Candace & Jammie wanted to surprise us with a night in McCall Idaho.  And a night in Boise.  We are so spoiled to have these two in our lives. This trip was just supposed to be us visiting and having fun finally meeting.  These ladies took it to the next level.  They wanted to make US(the birth Mommas) feel loved and appreciated.  They will never know what their love has done for me in my life and my journey. (seriously, they'll have to wait till we're dead and in heaven to have a clue at all!)

SURPRISE!!!!  They had planned for us all to go and get pedicures before our little weekend out together. I hadn't had one before -  then my husband reminded me I had 6 years prior(when I was pregnant with our first).  It was a bad experience:).  So I was scared.  BUT, oh that cute little Asian man was HILARIOUS, and so fun, and nice, and actually CONVERSED with us!  And, he was EXTREMELY careful with my overly sensitive and ticklish feet!  It was heaven!  

Post Tosies:  we ventured to grab a quick bite, and by quick I mean Taco bell(or time). Yes, id never eaten it before... yes... it was a bad idea. They all paid the price. And now the world knows never to have me eat that nasty sauce food.

"THE CUBE"
We got the tooth for the weekend. It was a pretty rad ride(i hate nissan ps)
But it was SO FUNNY as well, and it was a blast and we loved that little tooth car!



 Lovely pictures were had while Amy and I crashed in the car. I am thankful to Candace for not posting my wide mouthed sleeping!  Oh the shame!!!  And then BOOM we were in McCall.  Well, we were on our way and saw some cool places to take some fun pictures!

Wicked nasty spider webs EVERYWHERE on that bridge... gave me the heebie jeebies

The Birth Mommas:

Adoptive Mommas
(who i so completely love and adore!)

And me:)

There were more, LOTS more, and FUNNY more... but remember my computer is dying... and now I can't locate half of them!!!!


And then we were there!!!! And it was gorgeous!

OF COURSE there was bed jumping!  On both the beds!

Ya gotta have the bathroom selfie right? I could NOT stop laughing peeps!

Then we relaxed for a minute. All snuggled. And Taren made me hate my cell phone.
Because she didn't have Internet, and was so awesome... and we were all
"uh... wheres my cell phone... gotta take a selfie... " nerds.  I have done better, because of you T:)

TBC

I-DAHO no U-DAHO

For real though, one time I went to Idaho about... 12 years ago.  Then I went again for the first time since then earlier this year(ya its been a while). Both times, to Boise, and both times not with my family.

This time I was able to go and meet up with my ladies from Open Adoption, Open Heart. It was the FIRST time meeting these people in 2 years. Yes, people I considered my best friends I hadn't even met in real life! It was a trip needed, worth it, and something that will be happening yearly!  So...  with no further adue(spelling peeps spelling), the timeline of meeting my peeps of OAOH!!!!

First, I got to meet up with my Candace first!!!!!!!!!!!!
I packed up my littles, and headed that long drive North, and ended at her mommas casa.  The best part was... she wasn't there!  Oh thank heavens for her freakishly awesome sister to let us in.  We waited while she drove back with the fam.  IT WAS GLORIOUS!  There was not enough hugging, and screaming, and recording, and more hugging, and loving the littles who thought we were crazy!  Truly, it was as if we had never not met in real life!:)

Me & my CANDACE!!!  ya- that frigging excited!

2 of the 5 littles exploring the house.  It was grand.

I then spent the night at the sisters, and got to be Auntie Jen for a couple hours the next morn.

Trampoline of goodness
(except do you see what is on the mountains?!!!!!!!!! )

After the sitting, I left my littles to be watched by nanna and papa and I headed to get my girls!!!!
I grabbed Candace, and then we headed to SLC to grab Amy. Amy is Candaces little man #2's birth momma.  Lucky girls to spend so much time together!
Candace, Amy, & Myself on the drive North stopped here (Idaho falls... twin falls?  or something that isn't either of those?) Poor Amy, having to hang out with oldies, who won't quit bugging her, and totally just love her guts and hopes she knows she is worth it.

JAMMIES HOUSE!!!!!!!  Seriously, couldn't get out and running fast enough!
 Candace was ready with her video!!!!!

After we got there and settled, did our little ditty of hugging, and laughing, and loving on Jammies littles, and meeting Russ, and putting our stuff in our room.  We went to eat and meet up with Candaces cousin. Then to his house for a little photo shoot (with no warning) and to meet his cutest little brother EVER!!!

After all that we ended the night back at Jammies, and ready to crash.  We'd all pretty much had it.  But let me tell you. These ladies are AMAZING.  And you would not have known we hadn't ever been real life friends ever.  its was perfect!  Birth mommas, Adoptive mommas, FRIENDS, Family!!!!

It was amazing to be hugging these girls. To be sitting next to them. To witness the pure great love of their babies. And how adorable they all were. How much they loved them. How perfect it was.  Day one was driving... and a little emotional awesomeness!

Day two - to come

A Postivie Test

I took a pregnancy test 6 weeks ago.  It  said + . 

1 week ago, I had an ultrasound, and I saw that flutter.  I saw that bean.  And it was living.

3 days ago I got to see it again, and HEAR it, and it was living.

I have been waiting and waiting to share this information.  I have been blessed immensely to be able to bare children. But I missed something in my Journey after Placement.  I missed how this affected those not able to see those + signs, to hear that heart beat, or see that flutter.  

The "happy Sad" is here.  I am so happy... but so hurting.  I never EVER thought of this as a bad thing.  I KNOW ITS NOT A BAD THING, but when you learn and some of your absolute best friends don't have a reason for the infertility... IT HURTS.  I wish I could put this baby in one -  ALL - of their bellies... I didn't know how it would affect ME.  Until I learned how it hurt THEM.

In my journey, up until 2 years ago, I didn't know much of what the "hopeful adoptive" or those who have failed medically "helped"(sorry brain is farting over here) over and over and over.  Then, when i did... this news... although exciting... has also turned painful.  More than just hoping that I wasn't hurting my dear friends who are struggling with fertility; you come to know those that have had a child, are struggling, and you see it posted all over. "Why is everyone getting pregnant and I'm not?"  ...  "5 friends in one day announced they're pregnant..."   It hurts more when you didn't know.  Makes me want to delete it and make it go away.  

I didn't ever think that S would be "hurt" by my pregnancies.  And though I KNOW(without a doubt) that she was/is happy for me, did it hurt her as well?    My dear bestest lovie friend Candace, when I told her I was pregnant last year,  let me know how it felt.  She let me know because I WANTED to know... I NEEDED to know.  She was so kind, and so loving, and shared with me some super deep and sacred feelings.  Not once did she make me feel guilt about being pregnant, but more so made me with I could share this experience with her step by step.  She taught me SO MUCH.

In the last year I have met so many amazing women.  Those birth moms, adoptive moms, hopeful adoptive, 'infertility treatment' moms(what do you call those women?!), and one thing is clear.  We all truly love and cherish each others feelings, and want to learn more about the other. We want to be there to support and love on each other. To show that we will do what we can to help.   That where there is joy, there is also pain.  That happiness can be sadness, and even if your happiness is someones sadness, you can lift them and love them.  Our stories are all so different.  I wish my story was able to be shared with others. I wish those mommies who can't have children biologically... could.  Oh how one of the happiest moments is to hear of others becoming families.  All ways are good.  I am blessing because of my part, in creating a family. 

now im babbling... and no idea where i want to go from here... so i hope this even is understandable...

Fundraiser Countdown

k- I am terrified of this fundraiser...  because 1. I've never done a fundraiser before. 2.3.4.5.6.

I could list so many reasons, but I am scared... trying to get the word out as much as possible... trying to make even the slightest of difference.. AAAHHHHH

The facebook page link:

HERE

Link to even website:

HERE

YOU WILL HAVE TO CREATE A LOG IN TO ORDER FOR THIS EVENT

in order to have it go to their Event/party/fundraiser you have to be logged in.

THERE WILL BE NO JUNK MAIL NONE NONE NONE

FUNDRAISER

Woot Woot!!!

I am holding my FIRST EVER ADOPTION FUNDRAISER!!!

Honestly, its my first any type of fundraiser, but I'm happy that its because of an adoption!

The amazing family that we are doing this for is the Shuman Family.  

In reality, I have never met Briana in real life, like... ever.(insert clueless valley girl tone) But I have seen her work, and her love for adoption, and her amazing boys, and handsome husband who loves her and their boys. Its never ending gooey goodness up in there! 

Todd & Briana are approved and awaiting their angel baby to be found and placed in their home.  Really, maybe its because I'm a birth mom, and I embrace the good and bad, but i LOVE adoptive couples.  I love Hopeful adoptive couples, and the faith they have to wait... and wait... and wait... to be matched and placed with those little babies.  I am so grateful to be in contact with so many adoptive families that have taught me SO MUCH about their side!  

SO, here is a bit about the Todd & Briana Shuman family:

Their PROFILE

Welcoming Home baby Jace

Family Video (before Jace)

Not only does this show their gorgeous family, but Briana is also the owner and creator of The Agape Project. This is how I first came to know of Briana and her family.  And I BAWLED.  Go check it out:

The Agape Project

Can you just say AAAAAMMMMAAAAZZZIINGG  ya, probably not enough letters or words, or anything else to show how amazing they are!!!

So here is what we are doing.  Starting this evening (at MIDNIGHT) the party will be OPEN, and you will be able to go to www.jenachristiansen3034544.norwex.biz to order.  NORWEX is AMAZING cleaning products that I have LOVED for the last, almost 3 years, and have been a consultant for 2.  

any who-  go to the website, make your order.

Proceed to check out.

DO NOT CHECK OUT AS A GUEST

(not only will you have to pay more for shipping but the order won't go to the shumans)

log in(there will be NO JUNK MAIL)

Find Host(Jena)

Find Party(Shuman Family Adoption Fundraiser)

and ORDER!  I will close the party at 12:00AM Friday night.  

If you live in Southern Utah (St. George, Washington, Hurricane, Kanab, Cedar, Beaver, etc.) 

You can send me a message and order through me and I'll bring the orders to you. If you want to do that, otherwise they will be delivered straight to you at home.

I'll be on at 12 --- yup--- to make sure its open --- and will continue to check on the party throughout the day.  I will answer questions etc. 

also

 100% OF MY COMMISSION WILL BE GOING TO THE SHUMAN FAMILY

100%!!!

lets do this!:)

Open = Awesome

Open Adoption, according to Wikipedia:

'Open adoption is a form of adoption in which the biological and adoptive families have access to varying degrees of each other's personal information and have an option of contact. In Open Adoption, the adoptive parents hold all the rights as the legal parents, yet the individuals of the biological and adoptive families may exercise the option to open the contact in varying forms: from just sending mail and/or photos, to face-to-face visits between birth and adoptive families.'

Open adoption has changed very much over the years. Adoption in General, but I'll get more detailed about that on another post. This post is going to be about my Open Adoption. Many times I've claimed a "semi-open" adoption. Which, when you look at what qualifies as open, is lame sauce that I say 'semi'.  Because there are those who truly only have "semi-open" adoptions, and I'm not sure I'd be able to heal and grow, as they have, if I had a real semi-open adoption.  

Last night I had one of the most fun nights I've had.  It included the visit with E's Auntie T.  The most enjoyable part was wanting to see her not because she is E's aunt, but because I truly love and adore her.  She came to my neck of the woods with some of her friends. They were nice enough to let me barge in on their girls weekend, and come visit with T, and even stay WAY longer than I'd expected.   Truly, I felt that I was intruding and in the way, but they were all so welcoming and loving and kind!  I was able to play, laugh, and experience life with his family, besides being with them because it was a birth mom visit.  I was able to experience joy, and laughter, and life with his Auntie, as a friend.
I hadn't seen T since my first visit with the little guy when he was 2. We have, since then, became "facebook friends", I follow her Instagram, and her blog.  She is INCREDIBLE. She has had so many challenges put into her life since she married, and she carries through with her head held high and faith firm.  A blind husband, and a disabled son due to an accident; she truly is the strongest person I know!   When I saw that she was headed down I immediately asked if we could get together for a bit.  I wasn't sure if it would happen, and wasn't sure if there would be time for me to be a bugger and intrude on their fun.  But she made the time, and invited me to see her, and meet her hilarious and such fun friends.  I got emotional as I pulled up to the house they were staying at. And had to remind myself that I AM OK:).  It was awesome to see her, and her cute little prego belly.  It was so fun to sit and talk with her and feel so comfortable. She is as perfect as her sister:).

Some things I learned:

Its true, his family is PERFECT! They are HILARIOUS. They are REAL. The are AMAZING.

I also learned that i HATE the term "adoptive family". Explaining why I hate that term, uuugh, hard to get across when posting on a blog... when you cant see what I'm feeling inside.  They are not his adoptive family.  They are his FAMILY.  Straight, simple, true. And while I know that I wouldn't be saying this 10 years ago, at least not with the feelings I have now, its something I am not going to continue saying.  They are his family 110%, as if they'd always been, as if his momma had carried him.  There is nothing adoptive about it, because he fits perfectly, looks perfectly, and is THEIRS!  I am so lucky that I was able to bring him to them. I am so lucky that I have them in my life.

I learned, that changes are happening, in a great way.  I didn't see T because I wanted to talk about little man. I wanted to see T because I wanted to hear about her baby boy, her hubby, and her soon to be baby girl!  I LOVE his family. And Open Adoption has allowed me to have relationships beyond just him, his momma and daddy, and his siblings.  I get to see his cousins, aunts, grandparents.  ITS AMAZING  I love them more today, all of them, then I did yesterday.  I dont' know what it was about last night that made some huge leap of growth and healing, I really wasn't aware there was healing left to do, but it did something. I am SO lucky to build lasting friendships with this amazing family I get to call mine.  

Its like I said last night, little E's family is PERFECT, in turn their families get the perfect card as well.  And, well, its true. His family is PERFECT.  The most kind hearted, accepting, non judgmental, loving people EVER.  All of them.  I don't get to see them often, or really talk to them one on one often, but good grief they are amazing.  They are all examples in faith and courage, & of love and sacrifice.  Truly blessings for me.  I can't wait to see T again, and to see ALL of them again. I really can't explain how fun it was, or how it made me feel to be there as a friend. Even though we are connected through adoption, I think I would be friends with them if I knew them any other way!  Or, at least, I'd want to be. They're pretty stinking cool.

Thanks for letting me join in on the fun last night girls.  New friends made, lots of laughs, and new games I'll be playing with my family!  LOVE YOU ALL!!!! 

I know this is a jumbled mess... and that some may cringe at my saying I hate the term 'adoptive couple'.  But this is how I feel. These are my opinions and thoughts. I don't want to every try to make it look that every other Birth Parent feels as I do. We all have traveled different roads. We all have different openness. I am just grateful for what I have!!!

Day 20 - Something Little

" Little blue socks. My heart hurts today a little. Not sure why. But it does. #adoptionchallenge #photoaday #somethinglittle #birthmom #adoption #socks #little #babyboy "  taken from my Instagram

These are my FAVORITE thing of his from the time we had together. His feet were SO itty bitty. They would fall off all the time, but I loved them. They don't smell like him anymore though... And that's OK. But I miss him. 

Day 21: Sacrifice

"Sacrifice. At that moment he was mine. That name band said so. My heart said so. I had to sacrifice every single thing that made him mine. Because I knew he was theirs. I sacrificed my heart, his name, my life, for him. I DO NOT regret it! #adoption #hospital #snuggles #birthmom #adoption #adoptionchallenge #sacrifice" - again, taken from my instagram

The thing is, I still know he is theirs. I still know that he was always supposed to be theirs. I know that I love him more than life, and that sacrifice was worth all his happiness, and experiences!  Those moments changed me. I don't know that I will ever have a moment where I will have to sacrifice something that big again. I really don't want to have to sacrifice something even remotely close. He is my heart!

 Day 22: JOY

 

There's no other simple way to put it. THIS IS JOY. These people, each one separately and together, I love desperately!  I love them more than they will ever know. They are my family. They are perfection, love, joy, excitement, family.... it just doesn't stop.  That boy and his daddy!  That boy and his dog... his family. Its all to much for my heart. It might explode with happiness:)

Birth Mother Bond?

I have been mulling over this post for months now. 

I can never seem to get the point across with my words. They're never expressive enough. Never coming together the way I need them to. So, today, I decided I'm just going to do it and get it over with.

Just over 10 years ago I walked into my first "Group".  It was intimidating, nerve racking, and helpful. I saw women who had placed months ago, years ago, weeks ago.  I was invited to go out to get a little treat after one of our meetings, and though I felt absolutely inferior, and that I didn't click at all with anyone there, I went.  Those 4 girls were soon to be the women I've stayed in contact with through this entire process. Though we don't see each other a lot, think along the lines of years and years, they are still there for me, still supportive, loving, and down right inspiring.  

I have always enjoyed going to these groups. The Birth Parent/Expectant Mother support groups held by LDS Family Services. And I went for a long time because I NEEDED to go. I needed to share my grief, I needed to hear of others grief to know I wasn't the only one. Then it turned into going because I LOVED those girls, I hoped they would learn something from me. I hoped they would know that life can go on, and that you can succeed and flourish in life after placement, or single parenting.  I went because...

I have felt the desire/need to share my story, or to even just be an advocate and not share. 

The thing is... There's something missing, or something that eats at me and kind of tears me down.  That "Birth Mother Bond".  Its supposed to be there, or at least I thought it was supposed to be there. I thought that I could walk into a room of other women who shared that special gift we had, and we would click. They would love me, I would love them, and life would be wonderful.  Now, do not get me backwards here. I have met many amazing Birth Mothers who I have amazing relationships with, and many amazing Birth Mothers who though we don't "click" have stayed friends, to support and love each other and its never awkward.  But there are more that make me uncomfortable than there are that I click with.

I hate to admit it, but just like in any other circle in the world, there are cliques in Adoption as well.  Does it suck, YES IT STINKING DOES.   There are the "rich" ones, the "poor" ones, the "emo" ones, the "weird" ones, and so on.  Do I think those titles shouldn't matter, yes.  Just like in the real life living working world, I don't think your "title" should matter.  But, Its not all sunshine and daisies.  

Its been hard, attending the group where I currently  live.  I feel like an outcast, like what I dreamed of doing doesn't matter, and isn't welcome.   I feel like a burden rather than a look at how life CAN BE BETTER in the future.  Its hard going there, when you try to connect with people, to support and love them, and get shut down.  I honestly feel like I'm that newbie again. That one that no one wants to talk to.   Its dumb, and I shouldn't feel that way, but its how I feel.  

Sometimes I want to walk away, and quit sharing. But then that doesn't feel right either.  I want every Birth Parent, Expectant Parent, to have someone.  Weather they click as "best buddies", or just as friends that can love and support each other continually.   I want to be a help for people who want to know my story, or know why I chose Adoption.  I don't want to be there to tell anyone "THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO."  Because its not always the case.  But I want to be there to give a hand to someone.  Whether they are placing, parenting, or still don't have a dang clue.   

I think,  and again  I THINK I THINK I THINK,  me, no one else. I think that we all need to support and love each other. NO one adoption story is exactly the same, but we have all been through it.  I have witnessed the ache, because of a closed adoption.  I have witnessed the ache, because a birth parent hasn't seen that baby since placement.  I have found that even though my story may be better than another, doesn't change what I can do when I love, listen, and care for someone who needs it.   

I met with a fellow Birth parent for the first time last week.  It was a little weird, but I say that's because it was the first time we'd met.  Then I was called a "fan", or maybe I wasn't called that, but that is what I took it as, and CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG. I thought... hmmm... I didn't think I would say I was a "fan".  I would say I'm a Fan of The R House. I am a fan of the Agape Project, and the women involved there. I am a Fan of Brave Love.  I was a Fan of this woman, but I thought we had past that moment not to long ago.  It was a little hard walking away from that and feeling the disconnect.  It doesn't change how I feel about what she does, what she says, or who she is.  She is amazing, she is an advocate, an amazing speaker, voice of truth, and so much more. I just would have hoped for something more since we are together, supporting the same page, like I do the other people on that page. 

 

 But it isn't how it always ends up. And I suppose its not what I can count on or expect from anyone.  

I can hold my hand out there, and let them know I am here to be another voice, friend, advocate, birth parent, and so son, but its their choice weather to "click".  Its not making it easier. But maybe its all I can do.   And maybe I need to take a step back and see what I want from all of this.  What do I need to do, and want to do about my story, and my support system?  

 

Do any other Birth Parents feel this way?  Am a total boob and nutcase for thinking this way?  I think I just need to get over it and move past it... Quit being a baby right?  Ya, probably.