Changing Myself

As I stated in Body of a Birth Mother part 2. I didn't know who I was. 

Molding to those I was dating was easy.  Molding to my friends, or attempting to, was easy.

When you hang out with girls, we all know, its a bit ridiculous.  A vast majority are often backstabbing, dishonest, or int other words, fake.  We tend to take talking about one another as a way to fit in.  And truly, it fits into more of the stereotypical women of the world.  

As I tried my best to hang out with these girls. I'd end up inviting myself over more than not. I would spend the night, but end up wondering why I was even there. They didn't pretend to act like I fit in.  They didn't pretend that I wasn't "different", and it made being friends hard.  I'm sure they didn't want me there. But where else was I to go?  My other friends were all married... which meant 2 of them were. They hung out with the popular people... and I always was the tag along.  I tried my best to seem normal and as cool as these girls. But it never turned out how I'd imagined.  I wasn't cool. I was the "slut". They all had money, or were popular. I was just there... trying so hard to be something. 

When i moved, it wasn't a big deal. I heard about the things they would say. And it truly hurt. I knew they'd probably felt that way, but I wanted to believe that they were better than that.  I would try to visit when I went back home, it ended up being a crash and burn.  I would hear of them coming to "my neck of the woods", and never hearing from them.  It took a long time to accept that these people weren't my friends. You lose those you thought were, when you are doing your worst.  I deserved better.

You come to find that after placement, those physical changes affect more than your body.  Remember, I LOOKED like I did in before I had a baby... but I wasn't the same inside.  My body ached to have someone there for me. To be kind to me. To welcome me to their world of friendship.  you often lose a lot more than just your 'purity'.  I lost my friends. I lost respect, for myself, and the respect from others. I felt like a phony  I didn't have acceptance from them, so I turned to the boys.  They would "accept" me.  

I didn't know who I was.  Also, I didn't know WHOSE I was.  As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we believe that we are all Sons and Daughters of our Father in heaven.  There for, 

I AM A CHILD OF GOD.

And, we are all children of God.  I didn't know that, and instead of trying to better myself for him, and for the person I had 'planned' on being, I was trying to be a certain kind of better for all those I came in contact with.

Though I molded to all those others, I learned something about me in the process.  I did learn who i was. I did realize WHOSE I was. I am a Daughter of God. A Princess, because my Father in Heaven is King.   I learned that I LOVE music, in all forms.  I learned that I am strong, faithful, and have been held in the arms of my Savior so many times.

Because I finally started to figure out who I was, I was able to continue on that journey when I moved to Southern Utah. i still had a long ways to go. I was still imperfect, and still am.  But I was able to be the best I could be.  And, to be honest, I didn't want to date my now husband:).  He was such a dork, he was not where I wanted to be spiritually, and he was in need of "fixing".  But I truly ended up falling for him.  I didn't have to pretend to like certain music. I didn't have to dress a certain way, or act a certain way.  I was able to be ME. I could tell him when I thought he was being a dink. When I needed him to be more. When I needed to be alone. And what I would and would not put up with.  

I was terrified about what he would think of my physical body... because I had gained weight... but, he seemed to be kind, and loving, and appreciative of me and my "confidence".  I would learn that it was more about my strength. And I would soon learn that things still don't go as planned, even if we are trying to do better than we ever tried.  But this guy, would change me, and me, him.

May 2006 - our first "pictures" 

Getting Serious

Derek here again... I had some positive feedback on the previous post so I'm looking forward to continuing on with "the rest of the story".

 I went into some details previously about Jena and I first hanging out.  I had never dated a birth mother before so I had a lot of learning to do.  I did however perceive immediately that Jena had very sensitive feelings.  Now, she being sensitive may be how she naturally is.  She was also very understanding and patient.  She was helpful in educating me on the subject of adoption.  Now at first, we of course started out as friends.  And definitely became "besties" right off the bat.  We literally hung out every day!  So, you couldn't really say that I "asked her out" so to speak.  I even made her pay for her own food on our first unofficial date... (I still had lots of learning to do).  We went to lunch at Arctic Circle and I, being a bonehead, didn't pay for her food, because I didn't want her to know that I had feelings for her.  It was a defense mechanism and I still haven't lived that one down after 8 years...

So, this story, like any love story, is full of wonderful details but I'll have to publish that novel later.  There were certain things I learned early on dating a birth mom.  Some of those pertained to the language you use.  For example; the term birth mom is appropriate, not baby mama.  And an important one is that you never refer to the adoption as "giving up" the baby.  The term "placing" is the proper and respectful way to put it.

In my previous post I went into some deep feelings and perceptions of what I think is means to be a birth mom.  Now, these things, I should say, don't happen naturally.  The woman needs to work on these things.  I'm sure there are women out there who may beat themselves up for several different reasons I will not attempt to understand.  Or someone continues to mistreat them.  And like any person with that "light" or "glow" of something celestial, it can be dimmed or put out.  I believe Jena was one who learned and grew from her experience, and didn't use it to negatively affect her life as much.  And that was what I was able to see.  As I began to learn what made her shine then I was able to help it grow brighter so that others could literally see it, feel it, and grow from it. 

Now let's all be honest.  Life has its ups and downs in everything we do.  Jena and I have had our fair share.  Early on I had some struggles of my own.  Typical college students who date each other do so mostly for the fun of it.  They date for the sake of dating.  Most would have college studies or other things to focus on.  They will do this for a little while before they decide to "settle down" and get serious.  Jena was different.  I was still trying to be the hot shot college football player and didn't want to settle down just yet.  I knew that entering into something serious with Jena was not just for the sake of dating.  She wasn't here to play games and be immature.  She wasn't a college girl.  She was a woman with real life experience and had to make some grown up decisions before she should have.  So, I basically had the option that I could continue on my ways of being immature and living it up or I could follow what was right and participate in what makes Jena so special.  I obviously chose the latter.  Was it a easy decision at first? No way!  But Jena is blessed with patience and turns out our unofficial "song" is "Patience" by Guns 'n' Roses.  (Greatest band ever!)  I am really cheesy sometimes... well most the time. One of our hang out nights, I sang as many 80's love ballads as I could remember off the top of my head to her and she didn't run away screaming! I knew I had a keeper!

So, I had to make some changes in my life to be able to continue on trying to build a relationship with Jena.  She gave me a few ultimatums which were along the lines of "quit doing this certain thing or I'm outta here" type deals...  As time went on and the love grew, those decisions were easier.

As a final thought to this post I will sum up my beginning attitude of Jena's adoption experience.  I would sit there and support her in what I thought was the appropriate way.  I had the attitude that the adoption experience is "her thing".  I wasn't there, nor am I the birth father, so what role, if any, do I have? She can go shine on center stage and I'll sit back here behind the curtains.  When she is done, then we can get back to being us.  It's only been 3 years, maybe this will all fizzle out over time... Now, I would learn that this is the wrong attitude to have.  I also will say that most, if not all, of Jena's immediate family members still have this same attitude and probably will forever.  And many other birth mothers are in the same situation with their own family members. It doesn't mean they love her any less.  They just haven't invested themselves.  Next time I'll share how I overcame this attitude and some deep struggles I've personally had as husband to a birth mother.

-Derek

Camp Fire

Today, I am going to do something different (fun, I know right!).  I often get asked about how my husband feels about adoption, about my adoption. How does he feel about the baby boy I placed, or the family he is with... so on and so on.  I have decided to let him tell you what he thinks.  NOW, I have NO INPUT to what he is saying other than ideas to write about, to help others even.  I don't want any praise, but I can say this, he has such respect and love for Birth Parents and Adoptive couples, and that was before he met me:).

I hope you enjoy these posts. They will become another part of this adoption story. And well, this is his Adoption Destination.

- Jena

Well, first off, I have never written a blog before and never posted more than a paragraph on any social network.  I am not an English major, but I will do my best to make this legible, understandable and hopefully beneficial to someone.

I will introduce myself to begin.  My name is Derek. I am married to a birth mom.  I am approximately 30 years old, give or take.  I was born and raised in Southern Utah. I am lucky to have been raised the way I was.  I was all about athletics and played outdoors all my life.  I love movies and often quote movie lines too much. I have a little bit of a sarcastic sense of humor and am never too serious.

I have been a little scatterbrained while contemplating my words to be written here because there is so much to talk about.  I have never been asked to do anything like this before.  I came up with the idea that there is no better place to sit and talk than around the camp fire. It is amazing the conversation and inspiration that comes with the peace of that moment surrounding a camp fire. So that is where my invitation will begin.  Have a seat and "chill till the next episode".

I hope you have a minute to read some of my thoughts and experiences from a not so talked about perspective.  First off, I feel it's a good thing that not much has been said from such perspective of a husband to a birth mother.  It may allow me to shed some light for some people.  I will share some experiences in different phases or aspects of my relationship with my wife. Also, I am not a psychology major either, so what I am sharing is mostly from personal experience.  I am not an expert.  Some of the phases that my wife suggested to me are as follows:
"Dating a birth mom"
 "Marrying a birth mom"
 "How to support a birth mom in hard times"
 "How to actively share in the joys of a birth mom".
These are just a few of the ideas that may come to pass.  If there is anyone who has feedback on some more specific things you would like me to discuss, then let me know.

When I met Jena... (heart flutter) I was just home from attending Utah State. Go Aggies!! Some good friends of mine and I decided that we would go to a friends cabin on Kolob and sit around a camp fire.  There were about 5 guys and 4 girls and yes, I was the odd one out.  But it didn't stop me from embarrassing myself in front of my future wife.  She was on a date with one of my friends.  blah blah.  Short version, there finally came the opportunity for me to "date" or hang out with Jena.  (A little side note, I had inside information about Jena before I asked her out because she is first cousins with another one of my good friends... His words "she had a kid".  So I already knew before I asked her out.  I'm sure that's not the case with everyone of course.  But that knowledge had the opposite affect as you might think.) 

Personal side story: I was at a point in my life where I was over the silly games.  I like people who are upfront and honest. So, this is where timing comes into play.  I had actually had the opportunity to meet Jena 5 months prior to this moment and for some reason it was not the right time.  I believe I had been prepared because I would most likely not been able to begin the relationship in a healthy way to make it last for the both of us.

And we're back.  My exact thought to Jena placing a baby in the past was this. 'She has been through a unique experience that has made her more mature and deeper as a person, this is a girl who will not play games and will be honest and real from day 1'!  I was very much looking forward to learning and getting to know someone on a deeper level.  Jena and I had worked it out for me to just go hang out at her house one night.  No big deal ya know, just chillin'.  And me being who I am, within the first 5 minutes of being there I say out loud "you had a kid right".  Jena says "yep".  which seemed to have a little melancholy tone to it.  "Tell me about it".  So, Jena and I spent our first night hanging out talking about her birth mom experience and looking at photo albums.  Definitely the best first date ever!!

So we've talked about the adoption experience on our first date... now what?  For starters, things like this aren't just talked about once then it's off to new topics like the weather and life goes on.  There was and is more learning and growing to be done.  Jena's placement was 3 years prior to us meeting which was 8 years ago!! Crap I'm old... anyway, I would soon learn how extremely sensitive feelings are that surround the adoption experience.  So gents, if you are not equipped with extra soft hearts, patience of Job, and selflessness then you better work hard and fast!  When I first went into this relationship I was like "this is a cool, honest chick". We got along really well and were inseparable... then you begin to get glimpses of something you've never seen before.  It's hard to describe but it's as if there's a glow or a manifestation of the PURITY of what a birth mother has done.  It's an insult to say "making the best of a bad situation".  It's "making spiritual and eternal of a human situation".  If you are spiritual or religious at all then this manifestation will be recognized as the Holy Spirit.  And those 'glimpses' were angelic as if God is telling the world that this is one of his most faithful spirits.  And voices a warning to those around to handle with care.

I didn't fully understand what I was seeing and it took me a long time to fully realize what I was looking at.  At the time I knew it was just something special. 

to be continued...

Adoption Photo-A-Day part 1

Day 1. How I relate to Adoption

I am  Birth Momma. I am proud of that. It took a long time to be proud of that, but I am now.

I am a Birth Mom. I am a real Mom. I am a sister. I am a daughter. I am a friend. I am a fighter.

 I am a listener. I am a promise maker. I am a faith holder. I am a lover. I am a procrastinator. 

I am a perfectionist.  I am me.

"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you." Dr. Suess

Day 2: Bravery

"Brave. Walking out my patents front door. I didn't want to do it. And it to an unbelievable amount of bravery to do it. #adoptionchallenge #naam #brave #adoptionabc" taken from my Instagram

It really was the worst feeling... walking out my parents front door, to take that angel boy to his mom and dad. I didn't want to. I even asked BF if we could just not go. If we could just stay there. It made me sick, I still don't know how I got from my parents, to the car, to the meeting place, and back home.  Its a blur. But It was necessary, and it was absolutely right. 

"Bravery, is finding something more important that fear." -unknown

Day 3: My Family

I know, the quality is well... meh.  And Lou's face, well it was WAY to bright to face that way.  

But this is my family. This is what I have to show 10 years later. I don't have a degree, I don't have lots of money, I don't have a bunch of travel stamps. I have a husband, who works so hard. I have 3 beautiful children who are all so different its hurts. And i love them.  Its far from perfect, but we are still in the beginning:).  I love them. They love me. And its a perfect imperfection.

"Family is not an important thing, ts everything." - Michael J. Fox

Chairs

As I was watching a movie the other day, the quote has stuck in my mind, "Every woman has her chair, something she needs to put herself into..." you know, from that movie Phenomenon. I love it, still, and even though I haven't watched it in a million years, I still enjoy it.  

As I heard that, I remembered my own love. I remembered how he ' buys my chairs'. 

The VERY first time that I ever hung out with my husband, we talked for 4 hours. In those 4 hours he asked and I answered every question he had about my story. About my experience with adoption. About my relationship with that angel boy and his AMAZING parents. And, well, he also got to hear a lot about what he didn't ask.  As those few weeks passed, he invited me to meet his family.  We weren't "together", as we had been making very clear to everyone(verbally at least), and they saw through that hand holding.  A little surprised, and nervous, I asked if he had let his family know that I'd had a baby. I wanted to be sure that they knew, that they would be OK with their son being friends with/having a relationship with, a girl who'd had a child already.  That my past wouldn't interfere with their feelings towards me. 

You see, I'd dated/gone out with, many boys. Many of them told me that they didn't want to date anymore because the "kid". I had many flat out say, "I would never date a girl who had a baby.". It broke my heart. I knew that if they weren't OK with that piece of me then we didn't need to waste our time "meeting the family". I know no one is perfect, there are rare occasions where in-laws butt heads ALWAYS. And well, that was a big thing that I felt important for them to know first hand.  

Long story short, we got married(big smile), so they were OK with that big piece of me. 

Ever since then, he has let me do whatever I have wanted to do with my story. Not only that, he has always been supportive of my openness about placing a child for adoption.  Some people have told me I don't need to tell everyone that I had a baby that I placed.  The tones I hear are that of shame. I am not ashamed to be a Birth Mom.  I am absolutely HONORED.  Not only did I get to have the blessing of being able to carry a child, but I was able to give him a life he deserved. I was able to give 2 people a child they so longed for and wanted. I was able to give grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc, another person to love. There are no children more loved in this world that those who have been placed.  

It is also lucky on my end, for so many reasons, but one in particular, is the BIGGER family that I have now, and that my kids get to be a part of..  My daughter calls them Papa and Nana, and knows them and loves them. And my husband and I get to love our kids more than ever!!!!

Every chance I get, I participate in group at the local LDS Family Services, and my Derek supports and encourages me to go. It is AMAZING the women I've met in just a few short weeks that I've been going down here.  And so many girls that have to make such a tough decision.  

I love doing panels, going to group, standing in a college hall during Adoption Awareness Months, or going to a local High School to talk about my experience with an unexpected teen pregnancy.  I hope that someone can make such an unselfish and hard decision because of me. Or that I'll have informed someone of what a blessing adoption is!!!

I am so grateful for Derek 'buying my chairs'.  I sure got lucky. Even if our road has been TOUGH, it has never wavered on his support in my desire to do more.