5 months

Its been almost 6 months since I've written.... I am not sure what to write today.  Computer-less for almost 6 months. Thoughts building up for almost 6 months.  And today, I don't know what to say.

So, to be honest, today I hate adoption.

Today, I hate being a birth mother. I hate the supposed "birth mom bond" that is supposed to unite birth parents.  I hate that I got involved in the adoption community.  Today, I just hate it.  Its been months of feeling so much anger and disgust. Not just for others, but for myself as well.



6 months after placing, LDSFS had set up a plan for updates.  For the first 3 months, I got pictures and letters once a week.  Since I, apparently, lived in the stone age, we communicated by letters, in the mail.  Pictures were printed and sent with the letter.  I had usually 5 or more pictures with each letter. They updated me on how E was doing, and how they were doing.  For three months, I very much needed to know how he was.  I needed that affirmation to keep my head on straight.  I needed to know that my decision was right.  I knew that he would have been in such a toxic atmosphere those first 3 months(had I parented).  But, I still needed to know that he was OK(even if Ii knew he was).  Every letter, every picture, eased so much pain and FEAR.  I SAW the joy in each face in each picture. I saw him being held, cherished, loved, adored, and carefully cared for.  He was perfection, and so were his family.

The next 3 months I received pictures every other week.  With each letter that arrived in the mail, more and more anxieties, fears, and pains were diminishing, many had been extinguished completely.  He was smiling, giggling, chubby, blondie, blue eyed, and the most handsome little boy EVER.  NO BATTLE.  I grew more and more love for his mom and dad, more and more love for his grandmas and grandpas, and for the every growing testament of the peace of where he was. He was home.



I owe SO SO SO SO SO much of my healing, my happiness, and my love for adoption, to his amazing mom and dad.  I was able to heal, to move forward, and grow because of their promises kept, and promises made.  Because they allowed me to know where he was, to know he was OK(with boundaries included) I was able to have peace fill my soul.

I went out with a dear birth mom friend this week.  My heart broke, tears were shed, and anger filled my heart towards people who "owe" so much to her.  I say that and then want to smack myself because they don't owe her.  Adoptive families don't owe us anything.  You don't owe a birth parent anything. We made the choice, we made the plan, we followed through. We chose to sign relinquishment papers, we chose to not be mom.  BUT, in that, we are still a mom, we still love them with every single ounce of our being.

Though you don't owe us "anything", you do owe us something.  By sacrificing every bit of human nature because we love our children.  Because we broke every ounce of mothering instinct to place those babies into the arms of the families that were supposed to be, we truly, TRULY, deserve respect.  I know there are lines, I know every situation is different.  I AM NOT BLIND to the crazy, to the alcoholic, to the mentally incapable, to the drugged... there are situations where you can be respectful but have to have VERY tight and closed boundaries.

What I can say, is that though adoption will not be "them" it will not define them completely, it will be  HUGE part of who they are.  Because of adoption, they have a home, they have a family.  Because of adoption they aren't biologically the same... so that will cause medical situations.  It will be a part of them.  My numerous adopted friends(since before I became a birth parent) say that adoption is a part of them, not defining them, but a part of them.

Adoption, for birth parents, doesn't define us either. It doesn't say what kind of person we are because we became pregnant and chose to place a child for adoption. It doesn't make us sluts, or whores, or druggies, or terrible horrible no good people.  It doesn't make us all crazy, or angry, or ruined.  For many, it helps us find out who we really are.  For many it made us open our eyes to what we REALLY wanted in life.  For many, it was the only way back to Him.

Respect us.  Love us. You can do so with boundaries.  UPDATE your birth families.  Let them know how those littles are doing, how YOU are doing. Let them know they are healthy and happy.  Let them know that they are THRIVING.  Why should you do this?  Because without knowledge, we are left empty.  We are left to question the very thing we chose. We are left in wonder of their health, their bonding, their well being.  Update, because those pictures and letters, even if its a quick text, or short 1 paragraph email, THOSE HEAL.  Those pictures were a CONSTANT reaffirmation of RIGHT.  They were always there to set my aching heart back to peaceful.  I KNEW he was fine, and he was where he was supposed to be.


So... we can even go a step further...

VISITS --

They happen.  Crazy right.  I mean, how can someone "give away" their child and then expect a visit?  No, this is not a like a divorce. No, we do not share parenting responsibilities(nor should parenting responsibilities be shared).  We do not get them "ever other weekend", or "for the summer" or whatever it is that divorcees have to deal with.  BUT what there can be, are in person visits, to show love and care for all those involved in the adoption triad.

Could you believe, that when I saw that little boy for the first time, I was scared, and maybe a little heartbroken?  I had waited 2 years to see him in real life again, and when I did, I realized he wasn't my little boy.  That part was heartbreaking; that he grew up from my 3 day old baby.  At three days old he became a member of his eternal family.  I was scared because I didn't know how I would feel. I was scared that I would break down. That the connection with his parents wouldn't be there... Did you know, though, that as they walked forward with their families, all those fears were filled with pure and utter HAPPINESS and EXCITEMENT!!!!  I couldn't have been more happy that he didn't have a clue who I was, and that he clung to his mom and dad.  It was a dream come true.  Could you believe that SO SO SO many holes and questions and fears were healed.  HEALED!

I could have gone the rest of my life with little to no contact after that day.  Why?  Because I saw, first hand, that he was PERFECT.  I have such a testimony of the power of prayer, of faith, and of God answering questions.  That moment strengthened me, and showed me much of what I had lost when I became pregnant. That day, helped me... find me.



When people say that they have never seen their birth child/children after placement, it breaks my heart. Only, because I know what it did for my heart, my soul, and my mind.  It breaks my heart because even thought they say they are ok(which i know there are some who are truly ok) they aren't.  I can't say that every single birth parent deserves a visit.... we all know when they shouldn't or can't.  But, in a lot of cases, we just would love to see them WITH YOU.  Pictures are wonderful, letters are amazing, and texts are like Christmas morning, but being able to see them, with our own eyes....  PEOPLE I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT IT DID FOR ME. There are no words to express it. There is no way to show it.  But I can STILL feel it, when I think about it.


So why do I Hate adoption today...  because I hate adoption for my families, who just want to see those families.  Who just would love to sit down and watch y'all interact, and be a family.  I hate it for so many other reasons right now too...


I know I don't have people reading this a lot... I think that is good because it wasn't my desire for this... and it is going to be very sporadic writing anymore.  I am pulling out of the adoption community. I need out. I need a break. I need solace.  I need peace.  I am lucky to know the people I do because of adoption. I am lucky to be friends with so many now.  I'll keep those intact...  but I can't put this out there anymore.  Not like I have been.  Its kinda ruined me lately.  And I hate it.   So ... for my last post for however long... Adoptive families(who are REAL families) I hope you can see and hear what has been written.  I know that you know what will work, what is possible, what is right.  But I also hope that hearts will be softened and that you'll be able to let a visit happen, or even be able to send those pictures they are so desperately needed.  They will heal. They will give peace. They will save.

Broken Promise?

I have been blessed in my adoption journey. I have never had a promise broken.  I have never had an expectation of something and it not happened the way it "should have".  

That could be a good and bad thing to some.  As i have said numerous times, our contact/openness was dictated for the first 6 months by the agency in which I placed.  Pros and cons to that(I'll post on that later).  In that six months we never really had much talk about what life after six months would look like.

It wasn't discussed what type of openness they were comfortable with. It wasn't discussed what I wanted. It all seemed to just... fall into place. I never questioned, and learned to adjust to what I THOUGHT I needed versus what I actually needed.  

I have been blessed. Because I have never had a promise broken.  I have never had my heart torn to shreds because of words spoken that weren't followed through with. I have witnessed, though, the broken hearts, and broken promises. So I guess this post is mostly to educate... I hope anyway... to educate, or make aware of what I think is important.

Its never fun to admit that there are some REALLY REALLY  crappy adoption situations.  There are some couples who say what is necessary to gain the trust and love of expectant parents. Only to turn around the moment those babies are in their arms, or the moment they can't take them back, and close off all communication.  There are some who automatically assume that no contact, or minimal contact, is helping a birth parent in their post placement growth.  

Some are intentional, some are not.

SO, here is MY opinion and thought on the matter.

COMMUNICATE.

There are so many couples out there who would do anything to get a child. The ones who would do anything for the expectant parents, anything for the baby, for the extended families, etc.  So many who love unconditionally, not only the baby, but the expectant/birth families. 

 Make sure you communicate to each other what you think is important to keep/incorporate into your triads. Talk about the hard stuff. Talk about how much openness you want post placement. Nothing has to be definite, set in stone, unchangeable; make changes when necessary.  Take time to listen to the birth parent, and what they are looking for in a post placement relationship. Listen to their needs and desires at the time, and see what works for your family.  Find a common ground where you can both be present and happy with what boundaries are set. Have a knowledge, repeated often, that change is possible, and that you are open to hearing what each other has to say.  That you are available to listen to what they need(again) on BOTH sides.  

There is no reason to be dishonest in what you think you will be able to do after a child is placed with you.  I know that if you are an expectant couple that wants a closed adoption, and foresee that not changing, there are expectant parents out there who do want those same things.  Do not assume that we, as expectant parents, are automatically going to be fine post placement. That we won't need anything, and that if we say we do, that it will probably change the moment we place those babies in your arms.  

Make sure that if someone needs MORE that you can give that to them.  Respect needs to be present on all sides of the adoption relationship.  What works for one, may not work for another.  What has worked for a past birth parent, may not be what works for a new birth parent.  Just as in our daily relationships, all are different and require different attention and needs.  

We are PARENTS.  That is why we are called "expectant parents", and post placement, "birth parents".  Because we are parents.  We are making a decision that a parent would make in a hard situation (yes though so so different).  We love those babies more than anything, just like any parent should.  We TRUST and sacrifice to better the lives of those children of ours.  And even though we know that they are not ours, we are still a parent. Often carried for months before an adoption plan is made, we are parents. We want the best for them.  

In the beginning its hard to navigate through the emotions that come after placement, on both sides.  Being that I've only experienced the birth parent side, I can tell you it won't always be easy. But with communication, trust, faith, and boundaries, it can be navigated and made into good.  I was up and down often in the beginning. For many months just wondering how HE was and not to concerned with his mom and dad... or their families.  But, it didn't take long to remember the people that I came to LOVE and TRUST and ENVY, and wonder how they were. They deserved to be happy in all this, they needed to be. I put so much of my pain on their shoulders, I hope they can forgive me for that someday.

As an adoptive couple, remember that those who placed are experiencing a loss. Regardless of the moments that came to us reiterating over and over the RIGHT choice we were making. The moments of clarity and peace. Of love and joy, we are still heart broken.  We may not like you very much for a bit... but we still love you. And as we heal, and grow, and communication is prevalent, it can be quicker and with more love.

Birth parents, they are experiencing all new emotions as well.  Some adoptive couples deal greatly with post placement pains as well, and truly wan the best for you!  Be patient as they adjust to a new member of their family. Ad they experience the lack of sleep, crying, diapers, spit up, crying, more diapers, formula... its all new for them as well.  It doesn't need to make you feel like grieving shouldn't be happening, all your emotions are valid, and allow yourself to feel.  WRITE DOWN the reasons you chose adoption, why you chose the family you did, what you wanted for your child.  

BE HONEST.  Do not make commitments that you can not uphold.  Do not promise the world, when you can only deliver a bag of dirt.  Both can be beautiful, both can be fulfilling, and healing, if they are right for each of you.  If you or your couple need "more" and its something that you initially thought you couldn't do, LOOK OVER IT MORE.  Look more deeply at what you are currently providing, and see if it is something you can do.  Sometimes a little change helps more than you know!  Sometimes something as simple as a letter and pictures once, or twice a year even, for the birth parent alone, can be healing and helpful.  It can allow them to know that they are cared for and loved.  That even if they are seeing them grow on public avenues(facebook, instagram, etc.) that it is something SPECIAL just for them!!!  

Don't take for granted the idea of your family GROWING. That there are that many more people that will love you and that child.  It can be amazing!!!

Don't make a promise you can't keep. Or a promise you don't intend on keeping. In the end, it will not only hurt you, but the child, and the expectant/birth parents.  And same goes to birth parents.  BE HONEST. Allow them to know what you want and hope for, and don't get angry if it isn't something they can do at the moment.  Take time to sit back and asses what you are asking, and if it will truly help you.  

Communicate, set boundaries, be honest and real, and GROW together. 

You're all in this for the same reason, a beautiful child, that is going to grow and thrive!

React

Every moment, in every day, is an opportunity to react.  How we will react is the question that determines the outcome of most days.  How we react is the determining factor of how most situations play out.

I wake up, and I react.  My kid throws a fit, and I react. More bills come in, and I react. 

There is no moment that goes unseen without a reaction.

How we react to our adoption situations, relationships, pasts, presents, future, are big determining factors in our abilities to continue progress, or to stop progress.  Early on in my experience, before becoming pregnant, I chose to react like I was a know it all. I chose to hide, to sneak, and lie, and hide more, because of the guilt and embarrassment of the choices I was making, and the IDEA that I was in love.

I reacted to my parents, to my siblings, to my friends.  All had different reactions, and in an obvious circle, they all had different reactions towards me.  Some no longer spoke to me, some talked about me behind me back and then supported me to my face. Some supported me with unconditional love and friendship. And others, just disappeared.  

I have learned that reactions are an Enemy.  My past experiences and maturity made my reactions VERY ridiculous, or just plain naive, or almost funny. Early on in the relationship with R & S I reacted poorly, not because I didn't love them, and most definitely not because I didn't believe E was theirs. I knew he was, and I knew I loved them.  I reacted out of fear. I reacted out of the fear of being forgotten, or abandoned, or looked down upon. I reacted out of those motherly instincts that we all get. Wondering if he was OK, if there was something wrong with him, or with them. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong?  Was everything I doing wrong or right?

In the post placement relationship with the birth father, I reacted out of fear as well. Fear of being unloved, fear of being used, fear of never being worth anything again.  I reacted to what I was being told, and seeing that what I was being told wasn't true.  

Post placement with the family, there were reactions that were of anger, and bitterness, and pain.  

RECENTLY, there are still moments of bad reactions.  But there are MANY MORE moments of level headed, educated, discussed, prayed, felt out, moments.  

A few of those moments go with those past relationships. 

Today I was able to talk to one amazing birth momma who placed just 1 month ago.  She expressed her concern over feeling forgotten in just a short time. And wondered what she should do.  She wondered if she was being to "present" in the lives of the new family she helped create.  Then, at the same moment, wondered that if she said something, would it ruin that relationship.  

I wish early on I had a little more help in this department, it wasn't discussed much.  It wasn't discussed because the first 6 months were determined by the agency. I guess maybe they thought that we would have it all figured out by then.  But, alas, that wasn't the case. And my communication/reaction/judgement skills were lacking.  And then again, maybe they weren't lacking?  Maybe my ability to judge a situation before reacting was being overshot by situations that weren't good.  

I notice a LOT more frequently, that the support and clarity in post placement relationships are SO MUCH BETTER.  I am awe struck seeing this birth parents grieving the loss of a child, and a growth of family, take time to assess the situation.  Before the run over and write/text/email/call saying  "WHAT IS GOING ON , ARE YOU DEAD, IS THE BABY DEAD ARE YOU OK?!!!!!!"   Not only that they are able to express themselves more fully, without coming out like a crazy birth momma.  They have learned and understood early on their rolls in their stories.  And while they know those babies have such a special place in their hearts, and special relationship that was formed before this life, they want to express their pains and questions in a SUPPORTIVE way.

I can promise that 99% of the time, Birth Parents don't express their feelings/fears, in order to hurt or deter relationships.  Most of the time they are TERRIFIED of rejection, or the complete abandonment of the relationship.  I wrote a letter a while ago. And its taken a lot of patience to wait for a response. And while there has been nothing, I'M OK.  I am not reacting.  Would I love to know what they need? Sure. Do I wonder what they need? Do I wonder what the no response means? Sure. But the thought process to my reaction is, 1. Is E being taken care of? YES 2. Are his family members being taken care of? YES 3. Are they all doing well and happy? YES YES YES

Where I am now, is knowing that what I DO know, is enough to cover what I don't know.  I love them the same. I miss them the same. I forever pray for them the same.  NOTHING changes how I feel about them.  We all get busy, they are super busy, and the reaction here is to be fine.  

I have learned to think before I speak(or write)... at least the majority of the time:)

Therefore, my life is much more simple.  

There are moments of frustration when you hear things, or see things. But reacting in a certain way deters negativity! 

React with intent to be positive. Even in negative situation, THINK, process, then react.

Communication

Today seems fitting that I blog about communication in adoption.  I had the opportunity to write an article for a little ditty called America Adopts.  Really, do you know how cool it was(and it was cool, it made me cry), to see something written by me, published on a website, that wasn't mine?!!!!!  That reaches so many people?!!  I cried, I posted it all over facebook, i cried some more...  I called my family, friends, everyone.  It was like I didn't know it was going to be published, that is what it felt like, it was HUGE. 

I touched a little here and touched a little about it in the article.  

So what am I blogging about communication here for?  Because there is so much to it. There is so much to communication between a birth parent and an adoptive couple. Or, a hopeful adoptive couple, and a expectant mom.  Words never seem adequate in dealing with adoption, and all that surrounds it. Its truly like a relationship... such as marriage...  And if you go HERE you can see an awesome post written by my Open Adoption Open Heart family.  And it really is much like a marriage.

I was able to talk to my dad today a little about openness in adoption.  How it differs from one couple to the next; from one birth mom to the next.  I explained that there may be a couple who wants total openness, and the birth mother doesn't want anything, or very little, or just a little more than little, but not quite all the way. Then you have birth parents who want it OPEN, and the couple doesn't. Or they do but not quite all the way.  My dad said, "I think that if I were to adopt a baby I don't think I would want so much openness."  I thought, you also thought that if you ever had a child become pregnant out of marriage that you would NEVER place that child for adoption."  

I distinctly remember after placing my parents talking to me about that; not placing a grand child.  And while they knew it ultimately wouldn't have been their choice, they said that it was something that had discussed before. And they felt that they could never let that child go.  Then... you had me... and I became pregnant... and I placed, with 100% support from both of you:).  Not only that, they agreed and felt the same confirmation that I did, that this was right.  Things never happen like we plan them. Things never go the way we have them written out, in our minds or on paper.  CONSTANT CHANGE.

With that, I come to communication. While there are some closed and some open adoptions, there is still the necessity for communication.  It is HUGE, PERTINENT, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, to be COMPLETELY HONEST with an expectant mom/couple.  Do not promise what you can not deliver. Do not agree to things that make you feel uncomfortable with.  All parties in adoption need to be confidant in what they are doing.  It doesn't make it easy, it doesn't make it fun, but it helps.  If you do not want openness, let that be known from the very beginning. If you want openness, how much do you want?  How much can you handle?  Be open to the feelings of each other, of all parties. Be willing to listen to their needs, desires, and hopes, and be honest with them.  Make sure there is a line of communication open so that, if the need arises, that levels of openness can change.  Some open adoptions have closed; because of a need, or a fear.  Some closed adoptions have opened.  Keep the lines of communication so that there will ALWAYS be clarity in your relationship.  

Holy my moly how hard it is to have clarity always, but if you come up on something that makes you uncomfortable, discuss it. Work out what the problem is, or what you are happy with, and find a way to either fix/change/better/let go of the item.  

Birth parents, we need to remember the reasons we placed these children, and the reasons why we chose the families.  I hate that not all adoptions were a choice, that some were forced to place their children.... in those moments, I pray for peace and comfort for those who have been so utterly hurt. I had a list of reasons up on my cork board of why I chose them.  I had a list of even more reasons of why I chose this for him.  I had to read them a lot that first year. But as it became easier and easier, those reasons were confirmed upon me in many many instances where I could SEE why he was placed.  

Make sure, that you have clarity in your choices, your abilities, your situations. Because we can't work together to better the life of these tiny babies, if we can't work together.  I believe that 99% of the time, a birth mother doesn't want to have a relationship just because of the child that she is placing.  We are building relationships with these people who we have chosen to be the parents to these angels.  We didn't place because we already had a relationship with these babies(though we do have relationships, and feelings, etc), but I placed with this couple because I LOVED THEM.  I missed them when they left, I missed not being able to call them when their number was right there... I needed to let them know that i loved them.  And the only way we can keep doing that is if we communicate the need.  

As if it is all that easy right, to just say, "Hey, this is what I need." and BAM you got it.  Its not ever that simple, rarely its that simple, there is usually a lot of work:).  Sometimes you ask for something, and they say NO, or they say Not right now, sometimes... they don't respond at all.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE respond people! PLEASE It is AGONIZING when birth parents send a letter... or text... or email... and get NO RESPONSE!!!  It is truly gut wrenching. Especially when its about something important that they want to make sure they didn't do something wrong... or they just want to know what works for you guys.  Talk about feeling like a pile of crap... nothing is worse than not hearing from you adoptive couples, after placement.  It would be better to tell the truth and respond, even if it saying "we don't want contact anymore."  than NOTHING.  At least we will KNOW..  The Unknown will kill ya.  I have had that experience... i still like to believe that they didn't get the letter. I will forever believe that.  Until i am told/proven otherwise.  But it hurt, because it was important about them.  Cause I love them and thought I did something wrong...  Please, be honest.  Even if it might cause some momentary pain, being honest is BEST.  It eases so much pain, and brings so so so much clarity.  We cant be better ... we cant support you and sustain you... when we don't know.  

I know that there are Adoptive couples who have experienced this same thing on their end.  There is a reason they are sending us pictures... or emails... or letters.  They love us, I know they do.  They want to know how you are to. At least, it seem so much that way.  Sometimes it isn't that way either. 

WE have to be OPEN to talk, and receive when we are given.  Both Positive and Negative. We can't grow, and progress in the unknown.  Communication is KEY in any adoption relationship.  We have to remember that...  And while this is MY OWN opinion, I think its so true!!!

Without communication, I wouldn't be here today, sharing like I have been lucky to share! I am blessed. And I pray for those who are struggling, and hurt, and broken.  We are here!  I am here. 

-jena