Its Not Too Late

9/24/2017

I am a work in progress. But I’m always trying, striving, hoping, to be better for myself and my kids. I am not flawless, but very much flawed. I’m practically imperfect in every way. And that is ok. Because I try, and always will.

I have learned a lot over the last 14 years, one of which is that it’s never to late to keep going, to start over, to grow, and to continue in perfecting yourself (as God wants us to). Perfecting myself as I want to. Improving myself to be better for myself and for others, because that is what I deserve and they deserve. It’s also never to late to realize your worth, and the worth of others. It’s ok to do something that someone may see as wrong(or something they wouldn’t do), but know in your heart and mind to be right(I did that 2 days ago). No one is in your shoes, except you. No one really sees the things that hide behind closed doors. And you do not owe anyone an explanation!

I have learned that I deserve the best, the best in a friend, companion, future spouse, someone to be in a relationship with. I know that the person who is that for me, deserves the same kind of person for them. Which is why I will do my best because they deserve the best me. Perfection isn’t realistic, life is real and hard. It hits you in the face sometimes super crazy hard. It takes work, sacrifice, care, faith.... and so much more. But, I know with honesty, trust, and a desire for good, all things can work for us, and if they don’t, it’s ok. Stand up, brush it off, and keep moving forward. (thanks Robinsons)

Almost 14+ years ago I felt the spirit, almost hourly. I knew what my answer was, and that decision was never questioned. I had to many “coincidences”, to many serendipitous moments, to many times of confirmation. Was it easy? No. But it was right. I knew what I wanted to become after placing, what I wanted to show that little boy I could be. I didn’t know that everything but 1 item would go un-reached. For many years I felt inadequate and like a failure. My biggest fear has always been failure. I felt like I had failed him because I didn’t make a check mark on that list. I did, however, become a mom to 4 incredible Little’s. Little people who have to go through hard things because of more ‘choices’ and our destination says we still have a bit of work to do. I wanted to be a mom, a stay at home mom, the best mom. I got that one right, even if I don’t get to be one right now, even when i think I’m not doing it right. I TRY, I trust that it will all work out, even if I forget that sometimes. I work for them, push for them, make the hard decisions for them... to show them that it is NEVER too late to go forward. It’s not too late to mark off an item on your list, to remember who you are, who they are, who we deserve to be. Who they deserve to look up to!

It’s not too late to lead, I’ve done more over the last 14+ years than I thought I would or that I wanted to(does that make sense?). I don’t know that I could trade it... if I could go back and change it... would I be who I am today? Would I love with the love I do give today? Would I have harder trials? More painful trials? Would it have been easier? Either way, it is what it is, and I’m making the best of it and doing my best and will continue to do my best.

It all started with that baby boy, and the reminder I had a couple days ago that, “I am not with you as often because I trust you. I trust you in your decisions, in your path, and in whom I trusted in your care. You don’t need me that much, you are doing just fine. I am always here, you are surrounded by loved ones, and you and those babies of yours are well watched over.”

After placing, not long after, the “high” of placement, and that spiritual giant in the room during painful moments; it began to fade. I felt more and more alone and wondered, “Why have you left me?! I can’t do this. It hurts. I miss him. I want him.” It was in a meeting with my amazing bishop at the time that said, “he hasn’t left you, he is still walking with you, he trusts you and doesn’t need to be there like he has been.”

Trust. He trusts me. I am imperfect, I fail and fall often, but He trusts ME?! He doesn’t expect perfection, nor does he expect grand and big changes always. He knows through small and simple things, precept on precept, here a little there a little... we will improve. And HE knows, it’s never. To. Late.

Return to Your Roots

A move happened on September 22, 2018.

Myself, my 4 littles, and a truck moved to the Northern Part of UT. It was a quick happening move. It was a miracle that it happened. It has continued to be a miracle.

I have felt many moments in the last 2 years of hopelessness, brokenness, bitterness, anger, hate, fear, doubt, sadness, resentment, regret, and so much more. I lost hope. I lost love. I lost the light. I prayed harder than ever before, every second of my life, to make it through each day. I held onto my children and what they needed to stay on solid ground. There were 2 moments I truly broke ... where I felt like there was no more light... as if God had left me and hope... happiness... faith... seemed to flee and I felt would never return.

Therapy... I went there... Eyes were opened to my worth, and to where I felt my worth. I didn't. I felt worthless. I felt like a failure. I felt like every time I tried I would get beat back down. Then a miracle happened.......  after a short conversation I felt HOPE. I didn't know how, what, when, where, who would make this happen but I felt hope.

Miracles? I didn't truly know of miracles. I know I have seen Gods hand in my life, but had never TRULY witnessed a miracle....  Who knew that there would  be endless miracles for myself and my sweet tiny littles.

 Miracles-
1 being told I could leave.
2. Friends turned sisters... a tribe... family isn't always blood.
3.A moving truck
4. Friends and Strangers sacrificing for me... for my family.
5. Safely driving
6. A Home.
7. A School.
... a job... a daycare... a ward... a bishop... FRIENDS... friends who are family... a car... safety... peace... love...

I returned to my home just under 12 years after I left. I will never forget what I have been blessed with. I will never forget those who helped us. As we drove into the valley immediate peace entered my soul. I felt something I hadn't in so long. The last time I left I wanted to leave every memory that came with it. I wanted to forget the people, pain, the past. I didn't know I missed it and what it did for me being here. Home.

I want healing. I want growth. I want safety and peace to continue for my little family. I want others to be brave. I want others to seek help. I want others to heal and get the help they need. I want others to see the light... to feel hope... to know that it can get better. And those who are hurting... I want them to heal!!!

Do you wear your past?

I just got back from swimming with my sister and her family. I took the oldest 3 while baby Lenny stayed with her dad. We laughed, played, jumped, threw, and chased each other. It was such a fun and needed day with family. I realized shortly into our day, that being with them made me breath easier, and relax in a way I haven't in months. After getting back to the house, the kids left to go to their grandmas house with their dad. I was about to jump in the shower, when the thoughts started running through my mind. Lately I have thought to myself, "I should write that down so I can write about it later."  And then I continue on doing whatever it is and I forget. Today, was different. 

I have been on a LONG journey learning to love my body for what it is. I have come to accept what it is, what it can be, and what it will be. I am amazed at what it is capable of, and what it can be capable of, and what it will do.

Toady, as I walked to the shower, I looked at my body in a way I haven't before. I noticed that the extra sun I got from being outside the last 2 days, has accentuated those beautiful stretchmarks I received when I got pregnant with my children. I don't really think they are beautiful, I know other women do, but I don't. What I DO think, is that they are a visible sign of my past, my motherhood, my ability that I was lucky enough to be able to carry 5 children. It is a visible appearance of choices made, of stress, of sadness, of heartbreak. It is the ability to see redemption, faith, hope, and love. 

As a birth mother, I still get told that I should just, "let it go, and move on...", and so on and so forth. Something that I don't believe many realize, is that even though we could, MAYBE, forget those babies we loved so much, some of us have daily reminders of them.  I feared being intimate after placing that baby for adoption. I feared dating, and being close to anyone, because then someday they would actually SEE me. They would see the marks, they would SEE my past. 

Some of us LITERALLY WEAR our pasts. We do not choose to hang on and remember every day; or do we really even want to remember in the beginning.  But, my choices led to a pregnancy, which led to my body changing, stretching, moving, and becoming something opposite of what it was prior. My past has not faded physically, but has even been more accentuated because of the other children I had. If it were not for those stretchmarks, I probably wouldn't remember daily. I probably would not have been so scared and closed off.  Then again, I probably would have been the same because I was so changed. I was so different. I was trying so hard to be something I wasn't, and hide something I was. 

I wear my history on my body. 

Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes its joyful. Sometimes I accept it; and sometimes I do not. I felt imperfect, and I believe many of the boys a dated after thought so as well. That is why they didn't last, or didn't even begin. There is more to having a fresh start, for us as birth mothers, when we physically see our past. It is hard to move forward, it is hard to forgive, its especially hard to feel like we fit in. 

Remember, for us, that we wear our past. Most of us do, anyway. We won't forget. We will have fear about our future spouse, our families, the people we date... Will they believe we are worthy if they SEE my history?  Remember for us, adoptive families, that we don't forget and that we love you. That the moments when we may not like you as we grieve, that we DO remember why we chose you.  That we have to hold onto the reminders that we are Daughters of God, Daughters of a King. That despite our choices, our failures, our fears... that He is waiting for us to allow him to forgive us. For His grace, his love, his mercy. 

I know I need to remember that right now more than I ever have before... 

I am enough. I am imperfectly perfect. I am loved. I am lifted. I am His. I am a Daughter of God.

So are you. We can wear our pasts, and do so with class, with self confidence, and with a desire to continue to make better choices. WE ARE SO UNBELIEVABLY ENOUGH.