Day 23: Something Big

Something big was forgiveness. Forgiving someone who nearly destroyed everything I was, wanted to be, could be.  I allowed the lies, and dishonesty, and more lies even after, to break me. It took a LONG time to fully, 110%, forgive. Since then, life has been good. I am happy for them, happy for change, happy that people have the opportunity to be something different. It was something I'd hoped would happen for me. Now, I am glad it didn't, but I'm glad for what I learned, and gained, through forgiveness!

Day 24: Moment of Courage

It was my daddy's Birthday... And oh how I love him. We have been wayyyyyyy up and down in our relationship. We had a lot of head butting, fighting, screaming, running away...  We don't really talk about this much... about the adoption... about how it makes me feel... about how they felt... so I try to imagine...

I think those days were a big moment of courage for my momma and papa. To kiss their grandson goodbye. To watch their daughters heart be broken to the smallest of bits possible...  I wonder how it felt...

Day 25: Life before Adoption

 

Life was the best. Friends, friends, and more friends. Trips to Seven Peaks, Orem to see Boys, football road trips. Boys coming to visit me at home. it was a blast. My friends were a blast. The sad part... I didn't get to do much of those things my Senior year, because I was to caught up in a boy... that didn't go to high school... who I thought was amazing...  Good grief. Can you believe what I missed?!!!!

Day 20 - Something Little

" Little blue socks. My heart hurts today a little. Not sure why. But it does. #adoptionchallenge #photoaday #somethinglittle #birthmom #adoption #socks #little #babyboy "  taken from my Instagram

These are my FAVORITE thing of his from the time we had together. His feet were SO itty bitty. They would fall off all the time, but I loved them. They don't smell like him anymore though... And that's OK. But I miss him. 

Day 21: Sacrifice

"Sacrifice. At that moment he was mine. That name band said so. My heart said so. I had to sacrifice every single thing that made him mine. Because I knew he was theirs. I sacrificed my heart, his name, my life, for him. I DO NOT regret it! #adoption #hospital #snuggles #birthmom #adoption #adoptionchallenge #sacrifice" - again, taken from my instagram

The thing is, I still know he is theirs. I still know that he was always supposed to be theirs. I know that I love him more than life, and that sacrifice was worth all his happiness, and experiences!  Those moments changed me. I don't know that I will ever have a moment where I will have to sacrifice something that big again. I really don't want to have to sacrifice something even remotely close. He is my heart!

 Day 22: JOY

 

There's no other simple way to put it. THIS IS JOY. These people, each one separately and together, I love desperately!  I love them more than they will ever know. They are my family. They are perfection, love, joy, excitement, family.... it just doesn't stop.  That boy and his daddy!  That boy and his dog... his family. Its all to much for my heart. It might explode with happiness:)

Joyeux Anniversaire

!!Joyeux Anniversaire = Happy Birthday!!

(in french)

Did you know back in September my angel boy had a birthday?  Well, he did and I said I would post all about it... I didn't... So here I am... with a lot on my mind... and I exercised this morning so I wouldn't have to tonight.  I had other plans, but here I am.

Here is what I started to write... back in September :

"Ten years have passed and my angel boy is Ten!  I can not imagine life 10 years ago, I never thought I would see this day. I couldn't imagine life moving forward, healing, changing. I can't believe how fast it really went.   

As the last two days have passed, they have been filled with moments. Moments of gratitude, thoughtfulness, wonder, awe, emotions, everything. I received a beautiful bouquet of roses yesterday, ten to be exact, and i love them. Everything they stand for. "

& Here is what I'll write now:

Everything that month... or everything that year... was a "moment". Every Holiday I celebrated TEN YEARS of that angel kid.  I celebrated the 10th anniversary of finding his mom and dad. Ten years since I found out I was pregnant. Ten years since I spent my first Mothers Day, pregnant and wondering. I should have sent some extra special gifts for  R & S for Fathers and Mothers Day this coming year since they weren't really "parents" ten years ago on those days. But, it was important to me.  It was important to me that they knew how i love and adore them.  The bad part....  Riley's gift got sabotaged. So I'm STILL trying to get it finished.

But all in all, I spent the month going through my "box". Smelling those baby blue socks. Reading my journals. Looking at the calendar. I looked at my own babies and sat in awe. I was so grateful. I still am grateful.

I found that little man loves music(LIKE ME!), and one specifically, Louis Armstrong!  My wedding music, my daily music, has always consisted of that rugged voice!  I was able to put together some music... and a VERY VERY... VERY long letter. Probably to long for a 10 year old but it was something I felt was time to send. Especially since his momma gives the best suggestions on what to give him. I hope that in the future he'll love that letter.

I learned that you can still have hard days. Even ten years later. And that in missing him, you miss his mom, his dad, his brother, and his sister. You want to go out with his mom so you can just watch her, and hear her voice that has calmed you so many times. And to hug her, laugh with her, cry with her, go to the temple with her.  To hug his dad, to tell him, I think of him all the time. I love him. He is the best daddy ever. And that I am sorry that i am the biggest procrastinator ever...  or that i always seem to have everything fall apart last second, so he gets left with the short end of the stick:).
I learned that I truly love both of their ENTIRE families!  I need to take a vaca to visit!!!

And whats more, than a reminder of how blessed I was to bring that boy into this world. Despite the circumstances. He is my hero. He is my daydream. he reminds me of how I love my babies.

Happy -late- Birthday angel boy!

- your birth momma - Jena