React

Every moment, in every day, is an opportunity to react.  How we will react is the question that determines the outcome of most days.  How we react is the determining factor of how most situations play out.

I wake up, and I react.  My kid throws a fit, and I react. More bills come in, and I react. 

There is no moment that goes unseen without a reaction.

How we react to our adoption situations, relationships, pasts, presents, future, are big determining factors in our abilities to continue progress, or to stop progress.  Early on in my experience, before becoming pregnant, I chose to react like I was a know it all. I chose to hide, to sneak, and lie, and hide more, because of the guilt and embarrassment of the choices I was making, and the IDEA that I was in love.

I reacted to my parents, to my siblings, to my friends.  All had different reactions, and in an obvious circle, they all had different reactions towards me.  Some no longer spoke to me, some talked about me behind me back and then supported me to my face. Some supported me with unconditional love and friendship. And others, just disappeared.  

I have learned that reactions are an Enemy.  My past experiences and maturity made my reactions VERY ridiculous, or just plain naive, or almost funny. Early on in the relationship with R & S I reacted poorly, not because I didn't love them, and most definitely not because I didn't believe E was theirs. I knew he was, and I knew I loved them.  I reacted out of fear. I reacted out of the fear of being forgotten, or abandoned, or looked down upon. I reacted out of those motherly instincts that we all get. Wondering if he was OK, if there was something wrong with him, or with them. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong?  Was everything I doing wrong or right?

In the post placement relationship with the birth father, I reacted out of fear as well. Fear of being unloved, fear of being used, fear of never being worth anything again.  I reacted to what I was being told, and seeing that what I was being told wasn't true.  

Post placement with the family, there were reactions that were of anger, and bitterness, and pain.  

RECENTLY, there are still moments of bad reactions.  But there are MANY MORE moments of level headed, educated, discussed, prayed, felt out, moments.  

A few of those moments go with those past relationships. 

Today I was able to talk to one amazing birth momma who placed just 1 month ago.  She expressed her concern over feeling forgotten in just a short time. And wondered what she should do.  She wondered if she was being to "present" in the lives of the new family she helped create.  Then, at the same moment, wondered that if she said something, would it ruin that relationship.  

I wish early on I had a little more help in this department, it wasn't discussed much.  It wasn't discussed because the first 6 months were determined by the agency. I guess maybe they thought that we would have it all figured out by then.  But, alas, that wasn't the case. And my communication/reaction/judgement skills were lacking.  And then again, maybe they weren't lacking?  Maybe my ability to judge a situation before reacting was being overshot by situations that weren't good.  

I notice a LOT more frequently, that the support and clarity in post placement relationships are SO MUCH BETTER.  I am awe struck seeing this birth parents grieving the loss of a child, and a growth of family, take time to assess the situation.  Before the run over and write/text/email/call saying  "WHAT IS GOING ON , ARE YOU DEAD, IS THE BABY DEAD ARE YOU OK?!!!!!!"   Not only that they are able to express themselves more fully, without coming out like a crazy birth momma.  They have learned and understood early on their rolls in their stories.  And while they know those babies have such a special place in their hearts, and special relationship that was formed before this life, they want to express their pains and questions in a SUPPORTIVE way.

I can promise that 99% of the time, Birth Parents don't express their feelings/fears, in order to hurt or deter relationships.  Most of the time they are TERRIFIED of rejection, or the complete abandonment of the relationship.  I wrote a letter a while ago. And its taken a lot of patience to wait for a response. And while there has been nothing, I'M OK.  I am not reacting.  Would I love to know what they need? Sure. Do I wonder what they need? Do I wonder what the no response means? Sure. But the thought process to my reaction is, 1. Is E being taken care of? YES 2. Are his family members being taken care of? YES 3. Are they all doing well and happy? YES YES YES

Where I am now, is knowing that what I DO know, is enough to cover what I don't know.  I love them the same. I miss them the same. I forever pray for them the same.  NOTHING changes how I feel about them.  We all get busy, they are super busy, and the reaction here is to be fine.  

I have learned to think before I speak(or write)... at least the majority of the time:)

Therefore, my life is much more simple.  

There are moments of frustration when you hear things, or see things. But reacting in a certain way deters negativity! 

React with intent to be positive. Even in negative situation, THINK, process, then react.

IVF

Obviously, I have never had to deal with infertility. I feel extremely lucky and blessed to not have to have that be a trial in my life.Those who suffer with infertility are warriors. And oh, how it hurts, to see another negative pregnancy test, or more treatments that don't work for my friends!

As I have said NUMEROUS times, one of my favorite things, and dreams, is for all those who suffer, to be able to carry a child.  I have a dear dear friend, Bridget, who is amazing. She has suffered with infertility for years, and is a warrior.  She and her husband were able to adopt a little boy, who is forever theirs, and is oh so handsome.  This is the same little boy that went home from Kindergarten with his first phone number from a girl.  That girl, was my little, and we giggled and giggled.  She says they are just getting to be best friends.  ha, anyway, that was almost 7 years ago.  

Then, through lots of prayer, fasting, a lost baby(that was to be placed with them), they entered into their first (I think, correct me if I'm wrong Bridget) round of IVF. It was a success!  I have never been as happy then to see that "Expectant mother parking" spot being taken up by Bridget!  The welcomed a handsome little boy into their lives just over a year ago.  He is SO HANDSOME, and happy, and cute. And is so loved!

So they've come to their journey of IVF again.  And I am SO SO happy to help.  Well, I know that 35% of the sales isn't a ton... I can only add so much, but I hope it can do something for them!

I am hosting an online Norwex Party and donating the fund from this to their IVF fund.  In the process you get AMAZING products!!!  Its going on NOW and will be closed at 11:00 PM on the 31st.  So that the orders can be placed and sent out in a timely manner!

Come help Jon and Bridget Build their family!!!!!

LINK TO THE PARTY  (Bridget Hutchings is the HOST)

 HERE

facebook link

 HERE

A Postivie Test

I took a pregnancy test 6 weeks ago.  It  said + . 

1 week ago, I had an ultrasound, and I saw that flutter.  I saw that bean.  And it was living.

3 days ago I got to see it again, and HEAR it, and it was living.

I have been waiting and waiting to share this information.  I have been blessed immensely to be able to bare children. But I missed something in my Journey after Placement.  I missed how this affected those not able to see those + signs, to hear that heart beat, or see that flutter.  

The "happy Sad" is here.  I am so happy... but so hurting.  I never EVER thought of this as a bad thing.  I KNOW ITS NOT A BAD THING, but when you learn and some of your absolute best friends don't have a reason for the infertility... IT HURTS.  I wish I could put this baby in one -  ALL - of their bellies... I didn't know how it would affect ME.  Until I learned how it hurt THEM.

In my journey, up until 2 years ago, I didn't know much of what the "hopeful adoptive" or those who have failed medically "helped"(sorry brain is farting over here) over and over and over.  Then, when i did... this news... although exciting... has also turned painful.  More than just hoping that I wasn't hurting my dear friends who are struggling with fertility; you come to know those that have had a child, are struggling, and you see it posted all over. "Why is everyone getting pregnant and I'm not?"  ...  "5 friends in one day announced they're pregnant..."   It hurts more when you didn't know.  Makes me want to delete it and make it go away.  

I didn't ever think that S would be "hurt" by my pregnancies.  And though I KNOW(without a doubt) that she was/is happy for me, did it hurt her as well?    My dear bestest lovie friend Candace, when I told her I was pregnant last year,  let me know how it felt.  She let me know because I WANTED to know... I NEEDED to know.  She was so kind, and so loving, and shared with me some super deep and sacred feelings.  Not once did she make me feel guilt about being pregnant, but more so made me with I could share this experience with her step by step.  She taught me SO MUCH.

In the last year I have met so many amazing women.  Those birth moms, adoptive moms, hopeful adoptive, 'infertility treatment' moms(what do you call those women?!), and one thing is clear.  We all truly love and cherish each others feelings, and want to learn more about the other. We want to be there to support and love on each other. To show that we will do what we can to help.   That where there is joy, there is also pain.  That happiness can be sadness, and even if your happiness is someones sadness, you can lift them and love them.  Our stories are all so different.  I wish my story was able to be shared with others. I wish those mommies who can't have children biologically... could.  Oh how one of the happiest moments is to hear of others becoming families.  All ways are good.  I am blessing because of my part, in creating a family. 

now im babbling... and no idea where i want to go from here... so i hope this even is understandable...