F is for Faith

"The key is no matter how small the spark, remember that it is there! Feed it, strengthen it, watch it grow and don't let go of it when times get tough, HOLD ON knuckle white tight!" - Ashley Mitchell, BIB

I had faith during my pregnancy with E. I had to have faith to place him into arms of almost complete strangers and believe that they were supposed to be his parents. I was supposed to have faith that they'd take care of him. I did, and I still do. 

I did not have faith in myself following placement. Even during I didn't have faith that I was worth a dang. Even the BF was out with other girls while I was pregnant. What would someone want with me after having a child?  I didn't have faith in the male population either. Not that I was any better. I had a lot to get over and deal with, and move forward with. I had to grow and to find out who I was/am.  

Its changing. I still struggle with faith. BIG TIME.  WHY?  I have been contemplating on writing a letter for a YEAR. Why can't I just do it. I don't have faith in the response. its horrible... its the worst feeling.

I had a friend tell me, not to long ago, that Faith & Fear can't be in the same place at the same time. I believe they can, but not the same kind of faith and fear. I had faith that E was where he needed to be, where he was/is supposed to be. I was scared that I would break.  The kind of Faith and Fear that i am talking about with my friend, is STRONG CRAZY KICK YOU IN THE BUTT fear. This is crazy that I feel it now, but didn't then.  Maybe I had more faith?  But either way, its true. My heart can not hold Faith, if I let Fear reside in it.  I need to trust in my Father in Heaven. I pray often when I get that feeling in my chest. I usually get it calmed down shortly after.    Either way... I need to have faith. Not Fear.

E is for Extras

Aaah the Cool Whip Diet

one of the best things I've seen. its funny, but it makes sense. DUH.

Lets just say... watch it, and put your own thoughts into it!

The Cool Whip Diet

What am I filling my time with?  I am going to get down on me every second, because I compare myself to most everyone in the "world".   I am not the best mommy, even though I want to be. I don't do all this crafty, cool mom stuff... fail I know. I try to read to my kids daily, I should do it for sure every second of the day. I try to be outside with them, but then i start thinking... if I was a good mom I would do this... and this... and this... like they do.

 If I was a good Birth Mom they would want more of this... or more of that. Id be more on the "in" If I was a good Birth Mom I'd be more proactive it getting the gifts and letters, and other stuff out to E, to his parents, to his brother and sister.  

All i can do is fill my time RIGHT. Less of some things, more of others.  I want to do better. I will do better.

 the extras

bunch of extras

D is for Decisions

Decisions Decisions.

I remember so many nights, trying to make an official decision. I was in limbo with no real light coming in from anywhere. I was standing in a room... trying to find the switch.  I never really thought about it, being in limbo, being stuck in a state of denial.  I wasn't in denial. I was in denial. I wasn't in denial about being pregnant, I was FULLY AWARE that I had a bump protruding from my stomach. And I was fully aware of the little being moving inside me.  

I WAS in denial that anything needed to be done, or talked about, or prepared for this little life.  I don't remember if the BF and I talked about our options very much. I don't remember if the BF and I ever talked about what the other wanted.  I was in denial that this little guy, was just... there. 

I knew what I needed to do, but i didn't know how to admit it. This was HUGE HUGE HUGE. The HUGEST(yes i know not a real word) thing i'd ever come to. What in the world was a 18 year old girl supposed to do?  Not graduated, still a TEENAGER, not married, in a toxic relationship... the list grew and grew.

I had to made a decision based on what I knew to be true at the time. AND I needed to make a decision based on what was best for little buddy and not me.  But, why did I never ask?  Why didn't he ever ask me? More to add to clarity:)

And, besides, I am THE. ABSOLUTE. WORST. decision maker ever!  I hate making decisions. I'll walk around the store with something in my had and then take it back as im about to checkout. or I buy it and take it back.  I can't even make lunch... its kinda lame. So bad, I had to REDO my "decisions opening page" because I hated it BWAHAHAHA  yes. Winner Winner folks:)

Decisions page one.   - which do you choose? the A, K, Q, or J?

Decision page 2.

"Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful." 

Paul C.