Journaling the Adoption ABC's

 Here is my first ever Journal page. ( well art journal page)

It looks better in real life... but it has improved I hope.  I already wrote a little about acceptance. though, even weeks later, it can still be added to.

 Here is the Boundaries opening page.  I love watercolor(fyi)

CLARITY

C is for CLARITY

"We need to remember that we chose what we did, at the time that we did, because of the knowledge that we had, the pro-con lists and our best emotional judgment. - ASHLEY MITCHELL, BIB."

I initially wrote the lyrics for "Clarity" by John Mayer.

mostly for this part:

"By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on"

In this moment, I don't have a real problem with the 'clarity' of my adoption. I know why my choice was to place that little boy. I know why I had to do it. I know why I needed to do it. It was based on what knowledge I had at the time.  And what I thought was best. Who knew where I would be the following year, where his Birth Father and I would be. We were so toxic.  BOTH of us were. 

I have FULL CLARITY and peace on my decision to place a child for adoption. I am at peace with that. Though, there are so many other aspects of those days, ten years ago, and even a fewer more recent, that need clarity. I need to look and see what it is, and why it is. 

B Is For Boundaries

"Know the boundaries beyond which you will not allow trampling or trespassing." Elizabeth S.

Not only did I imagine Boundaries applying to the relationship between Birth Parents and Adoptive parents, which are important, but what about the boundaries I set for me?

Do I allow others to trample on my story. Do I continue to try to let others in, giving chance after chance hoping they'll come around and LOVE him/me/them.  Do I take sever care of my story, and those involved?

I am an open book, in most cases. I have had to learn to be careful of what I share. But when it comes to adoption, its hard to keep my mouth shut. Its hard not to tell of a story that not only broke my heart, but built it.  Its hard not to share something that made me Strong, Wise, Hopeful.  How can you not share something that taught you the most?  To share those you love, because HELLO, those parents of his are utterly my most, absolute, favorite people on this planet. Truly.  

But, what I need to look at more closely, are those around me. It made my heart ache, ya know, as if you got a cut on your finger and it just aches with pain no matter the pressure/bandaging.  It hurts, still, that there are some that are proud of the way they treated me. That there are those who still feel as if he and his family are something that are just easily shrugged off and forgotten, because he was placed.  Does that make him any less of what was mine, because I placed?  I didn't place because I didn't want him. Didn't love him. Didn't care for him. I placed him because he deserved the very best chance. He deserved everything I ever wanted for him.  I couldn't give that to him. BUT, he is still mine. He is mine in a way he isn't theirs. But he is also THEIRS in a way he isn't mine.  I AM OK WITH THAT. What matters in those few sentences most though... is that THEY ARE ALL MINE. I love each and every member of that family to the depths of my soul.  I love each birth parent that allowed them to become a family.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE them.  And me hurting, because of a lack of support or knowledge, or forgetfulness, is something that I need to be protected from.  

"Too often we do not set boundaries for ourselves and for others. We worry so much about hurting those around us but really, at the end of the day, if we don't like ourselves why do we care if others like us?" - Ashley Mitchell - BIB

I have come to learn with these moments. That boundaries need to be set. Not only by me just deciding to do so, but they need to be verbally heard and told why.  Someday, I HOPE, those who need to be separated from my story, will WANT to be a part of it.  For now, its OK that they aren't.  Its called ACCEPTANCE:) I am working hard to accept the things I can not change.

Did it tear my heart and soul to bits hearing "well i think i want to meet her more because she was in our lives for those few years."  Holy my Moses it did. Why isn't he as special?  Why doesn't she think he is as special?  Am I wrong for feeling so strongly about him?  That's where boundaries need to be set. And that is where I need to VERBALIZE, Its not OK to downplay, or to make me feel as if he is less, because he was only ours for a few days.   Because he will still be a part of me, and I want him and his family to always be a part of my life. They are incredible, why would I not want to surround myself with INCREDIBLE people? 

So set boundaries, for yourself, for others, verbally and non verbally.  It is respect to yourself. To your story.

- Jena

 

A is for ACCEPTANCE

I honestly came into this class thinking it would just be another avenue to write down feelings and emotions. The same feelings and emotions that I've had for the last 10 years. I wasn't sure that I could improve, heal, or grow more than I already have. I thought it would be fun to do something during this most favorite month of mine.  Boy have I been turned upside down and inside out.  

How incredible it is to sit down, and read over and over, her lesson for the day. I usually start out just reading it a couple times when its been posted. Ponder and think throughout the day, and then journal before bed. Its been 3 days... and I may have to buy a second journal for this thing! 

There is so much I never thought of during my last 10 years of post placement, post pregnancy, post Birth Father life. ACCEPTANCE... of things more than just what was... but what IS. Things I need to accept now. Things that, if I don't want to accept them, and hope to change them, that I need to step up and make those changes.  

No more excuses. No more what if? Or, how come? Or, Why me. Accept those choices I made. Because, ultimately, I was the one who chose. I was the one in charge of myself and that child I carried. And NOW, I am in charge of protecting it all. 

If you have been touched by adoption, whether it be a birth parent, a birth grandparent, a birth aunt/uncle. If you are an adoptive mom or dad. Or even an Adoptee. This class could be so beneficial. It truly has made me decide to take some steps to change what I can, and accept what I cant. And only, in time, can those things that i have no choice but to accept, can those hopefully change. And if they don't, ITS OK!

Move forward, take chances, and put yourself out there. Put your emotions out there. Be vulnerable, even if you don't share your story, or your details, or anything with anyone, it can only help! 

So come take the class, its gong to be happening again it... i think... april or may... or maybe its march:)  

head to Blessings In A Basket, and check it out!!!

- Jena