Mothers Day

Mothers Day 2003:

I don't remember it really. It had been a month since I found out I was pregnant. I don't think there was much talk of me being a mother at that time. And I didn't know, at that moment, that Adoption was the road I would be taking. It was all up in the air... a lot of confusion. I wish i remembered what I was doing.

(time to pull out the journals, calendars, etc for memories.)

Mothers Day 2004:

I wasn't sure how I was going to feel that day. I wasn't sure that it would bother me, or more so, that it would bother me not being recognized being a mother. I was a mother, just a different kind. I still had an aching in my heart so great that I was about to burst. I wanted to be left alone, and I was living with my parents by that point. I remember watching some "after school special" about a girl who got pregnant and placed her baby after trying to "hide" the pregnancy. They'd decided her mom would raise the baby as her own, and then the daughter didn't like that not long after. She couldn't go to school or work or anything when she decided to try to parent on her own. She decided to place him not long after(while he was quite a bit older). 

The one quote in the movie that still is with me today:

"Only I know how much she loves me, because I got to hear to heart from the inside."

I cried... lots... and then got called upstairs for dinner. I pulled myself together and went up. You couldn't tell I'd cried, but you could tell it was a rough day. I sat down at the table, my mom, older sister and her husband, and my younger sister and brother were there... My dad looked at me and said, "Happy Mothers Day". I cried.

I wanted SOMEONE to acknowledge that I was a mom. i craved for it all day. I carried that little guy... Then he said it and all I could do was cry. I missed that baby so much, and I was so jealous, and so happy at the same time, for his new mommy. For his right mommy. 

Mothers Day 2012:

I got to go visit my mom this year, just me and my newest little man.

I didn't remember it was going to be Mothers Day. But it was kind of nice that way. Not until after, did I realize, that I had my first MD with my own son, just he and I, 8 years later. I was back at the same table, at the same time, and with almost the exact same people. But this time, I sat there with my own son. With a little boy that was mine. Another affirmation that placing little E with his family was right. He was theirs. He was sent to me, to get to them. And this new little guy, he was MINE. We bonded. And I could celebrate even more with E's mom, my now sister and less his adoptive mom, of the happiness she had. 

Today I am so blessed to have my little guy here. That I get to experience all those "firsts". And that I can celebrate even more with S; the joy of having a son. I am so happy that I get to be a part of such a great group of women. I am grateful to be a mother to 2 beautiful girls, and 1 handsome little guy. I am beyond blessed. Life is not easy, but I get to choose to be happy. To relish in the laughter and imagination of my very own kids. I get to be even more lucky that most moms, because I am more grateful for my kids than they can ever be:) (OK so that part might no be completely true, but I feel it is(

You feel a great loss after placing a child for adoption. A Child that you have carried, and bonded with. A Child that you LOVE beyond life itself.  I couldn't wait to be a mom again. To really be a mom, and get to do all those mom things. And when I had my first little girl, it was AMAZING to know I got to take her home, and raise her myself. I held her straight for 2 weeks I'm sure. Maybe longer. I'm glad she chose me, she is quite the little girl. I am glad #2 chose me, and same with the little guy. They are all amazing, and they are all mine!

 Baby Girl K.

Baby Girl MJ

Baby Boy K

AKA, Lou, Roo, & Gus

it started...

I was never a... we'll say... scandalous, girl in high school. I was never much more than friends with most of the boys. I had crushes on many, but I was always just the friend. I was fine with that. I LOVED my friends. I enjoyed that we could all go have big group sleep overs, and my parents trusted me and knew that we would be good. And that it was FRIENDS out being good and having fun.  And I can HONESTLY say that is what we were doing, being good and having fun! There were so many different "groups" that I hung out with too. Many different girls who were all doing different things. I was happy that I had so many great friends. They were always there for each other, and we always had fun. Who knew you could have so much fun in a small town:).

I had a High School boyfriend. We had dated on and off since I was a Sophomore, and then he left to serve a 2 year mission for my church. I knew that I wanted to date and experience life while he was away. I did, however, want to see what would happen when he got home. He was everything I imagined in my future husband. I wanted someone who was good, honest, happy. I REALLY wanted someone who loved their family, respected their mom, and loved the gospel.

I didn't do anything amazing throughout high school. Mostly just hanging with the girls, the guys, and doing my best at the whole idea of homework(that failed horribly). I danced, and I loved it. I'd only started my Sophomore year of HS, so being that i FINALLY was starting to get the hang of it(that's how I felt anyway) the future months would be a huge blow to a lifelong dream. I didn't get any recognitions for amazing work, or good grades. But I got along with all my teachers, and all the students. School was more of a social gathering at the time. I wanted to go to school. I wanted to be an English teacher, a photographer, and I wanted to do hair. I'd always dreamed of going to some HUGE amazing hair school in California or somewhere. Of course, after I did the real college thing.

I had a close knit group of friends, and was friends with practically everyone else as well. I was never the super popular girl, but I liked knowing people. That HS boyfriend, like I said previously, left in late September to serve a mission for the LDS church my Senior year of High School. I wasn't nearly devastated, but excited for the future. It was hard to have him go, and to not be able to see him for 2 years. The night he left was super hard.(yes i cried lots, and didn't know if i could handle the next 2 years) But I was excited to date, and to be with my friends and just hang out.  I wasn't planning on becoming serious with any  boy. I especially wasn't planning or looking to date anyone that wasn't in High School.

I honestly can't even begin to believe how little it took to get me to where I would be.  I remember how excited I was for my LAST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL. I was so excited for all that awaited! Graduation, parties, friends, dances, EVERYTHING.  I was looking forward to moving and going to school somewhere new. And I was going to work hard and have the best year ever.

What was I thinking then... what was I thinking when I made that first choice to LIKE that person?

a well thought out plan

I had planned on getting a head start on this blog. 

Then I had some crazy stuff happen and ended up with our little surprise, baby boy K, joined our family 5 1/2 weeks early.

We spent some time in the NICU, and have been trying to adjust to the new addition, and I'm still not back to a time that I can really sit down and blog.

But the one thing I will say right at this moment... After placing my little Angel E so long ago, it was another moment where I TRULY felt Heavenly Father placing his hand on my shoulder telling me the choice to Place for Adoption was RIGHT. That little boy wasn't mine... this little boy is SO MINE! And I love them both so so much!