Time Does Not Heal All Wounds.

"Time heals all wounds."

Time and time again I have heard that phrase, most often in the last 5 years, and not so much in the last year. What I have heard, life will continue to throw curveballs, kick you when you're down, and never go as you plan.

In my adoption world, time didn't heal my wounds. Be they physical or metaphorically time did NOTHING for my wounds. Time didn't make me miss him less, think of him less, hope for him less. TIme didn't make me want to talk to his mom and dad, to see them and love them and tell them how much they mean to me. Time did nothing. Time was just that... time... Time did teach me that I must heal myself, search out help for "wound care". 

My experience, as a Birth Mother, did consist of post-placement care. I had a therapist, a group, and individuals I could talk to. I took some time to care for me and left when I felt my time was done. Sometimes I came back because I needed more help to work through new grief. I needed to work through how to be a mom when I failed the first time or thought I had failed. In and out of advocacy for adoption, and the love of a triad and people who will not ever know how much I love them. Not because of a son that was placed, but because of the people they are.

There were further moments down the line that allowed me to continue to learn and grow in what I experienced. It also allowed time to learn more about adoptees, adoptive parents, families. Two of my dearest friends, and Adoptive moms, showing me love and grace in frustrations of what I yearned for in a relationship with a family. And showing me the heartbreak and love they felt for their children's birth parents. Allowing me to be open about my hurt, and inturn them being open about theirs. I have always wondered and tried to learn of the grief that came from being unable to have a child of my own... I'll never get it... but gosh I'll try.

Time didn't heal the wounds of the hopeful man and woman who so desperately wanted to have a child. Time, even if/when a child came to them through whatever means, didn't always heal what was broken and hurt. Time didn't heal as the child grew, and love was filled, time was just... time.


In life... time really hasn't done anything but teach me. Time didn't heal a broken home, hurt kids, abuse, trauma, grief, and life that continues to move forward regardless of what any of us were ready for. Time hasn't healed me. Time hasn't healed anyone. Time can help. Time to do the work, and see a need, and ask for help from people has healed... some... but it mostly has helped. Some wounds will still be wounds, scars, bumps, pains... you can see it, it doesn't hurt, but you remember how you got it, and what it took to fix it.

Does time heal the death of a spouse, of a child, of a parent? Does time heal the emotional scars of mental/emotional abuse? Does time heal the effects of physical abuse? Does time heal the effects of affairs and dishonesty? 

Time can help. Time so so so much can help. But I don't think it truly heals. Sometimes we need the scars to remind us of what not to do next time. Some scars and wounds are there so we can help and teach others. Some are there just to remember how strong and amazing we are.

I can say if you don't do the work if you don't search for help with the time we are given... we won't "heal". If you hold on to something that hurt you or use it as an excuse to be something you really shouldn't be. If you place blame and use the "its just the way I am..." how do you ever expect to heal? If you have someone who is willing to sit with you, love you, support you in whatever it is you need to do to heal... wouldn't you want that? Don't you want to heal? 
So often healing is scary, letting go of hurt and moments that rocked us, it can be scary opening back up... what if it happens again? 

Time doesn't heal all wounds. At least, for myself time doesn't heal all wounds.

Time helps.

Home

At  nearly midnight, literally seconds away, I’m sitting on my living room floor... listening.
I picked my kids up today, from their dad, and we got home a few hours ago.  It was such a good day and night, it’s sometimes rather dramatic that first day home. But today... today seemed easier... more calm... more ... together.

“Ok I’m ready to go home mom.” From my tiny.
“I like the smell of our house when I come home.” My Gus
“I’m going to miss you when we leave again mom. And I miss dad when I’m here. And then I miss you when I’m with dad.” Lou
“My necklace is broken..” Roo.

These littles of mine. So different, so the same. So mine.

It’s a relief, a calmness, a happiness when I know they’re all tucked into their beds. I get to wake up and make their breakfast, do their hair, and tell them to turn off the tv. Change is hard, and it’s a lot of new stuff for them this summer. But I know they have lots of people who love them. We will make it. Me and them, even more!!!  

Its Not Too Late

9/24/2017

I am a work in progress. But I’m always trying, striving, hoping, to be better for myself and my kids. I am not flawless, but very much flawed. I’m practically imperfect in every way. And that is ok. Because I try, and always will.

I have learned a lot over the last 14 years, one of which is that it’s never to late to keep going, to start over, to grow, and to continue in perfecting yourself (as God wants us to). Perfecting myself as I want to. Improving myself to be better for myself and for others, because that is what I deserve and they deserve. It’s also never to late to realize your worth, and the worth of others. It’s ok to do something that someone may see as wrong(or something they wouldn’t do), but know in your heart and mind to be right(I did that 2 days ago). No one is in your shoes, except you. No one really sees the things that hide behind closed doors. And you do not owe anyone an explanation!

I have learned that I deserve the best, the best in a friend, companion, future spouse, someone to be in a relationship with. I know that the person who is that for me, deserves the same kind of person for them. Which is why I will do my best because they deserve the best me. Perfection isn’t realistic, life is real and hard. It hits you in the face sometimes super crazy hard. It takes work, sacrifice, care, faith.... and so much more. But, I know with honesty, trust, and a desire for good, all things can work for us, and if they don’t, it’s ok. Stand up, brush it off, and keep moving forward. (thanks Robinsons)

Almost 14+ years ago I felt the spirit, almost hourly. I knew what my answer was, and that decision was never questioned. I had to many “coincidences”, to many serendipitous moments, to many times of confirmation. Was it easy? No. But it was right. I knew what I wanted to become after placing, what I wanted to show that little boy I could be. I didn’t know that everything but 1 item would go un-reached. For many years I felt inadequate and like a failure. My biggest fear has always been failure. I felt like I had failed him because I didn’t make a check mark on that list. I did, however, become a mom to 4 incredible Little’s. Little people who have to go through hard things because of more ‘choices’ and our destination says we still have a bit of work to do. I wanted to be a mom, a stay at home mom, the best mom. I got that one right, even if I don’t get to be one right now, even when i think I’m not doing it right. I TRY, I trust that it will all work out, even if I forget that sometimes. I work for them, push for them, make the hard decisions for them... to show them that it is NEVER too late to go forward. It’s not too late to mark off an item on your list, to remember who you are, who they are, who we deserve to be. Who they deserve to look up to!

It’s not too late to lead, I’ve done more over the last 14+ years than I thought I would or that I wanted to(does that make sense?). I don’t know that I could trade it... if I could go back and change it... would I be who I am today? Would I love with the love I do give today? Would I have harder trials? More painful trials? Would it have been easier? Either way, it is what it is, and I’m making the best of it and doing my best and will continue to do my best.

It all started with that baby boy, and the reminder I had a couple days ago that, “I am not with you as often because I trust you. I trust you in your decisions, in your path, and in whom I trusted in your care. You don’t need me that much, you are doing just fine. I am always here, you are surrounded by loved ones, and you and those babies of yours are well watched over.”

After placing, not long after, the “high” of placement, and that spiritual giant in the room during painful moments; it began to fade. I felt more and more alone and wondered, “Why have you left me?! I can’t do this. It hurts. I miss him. I want him.” It was in a meeting with my amazing bishop at the time that said, “he hasn’t left you, he is still walking with you, he trusts you and doesn’t need to be there like he has been.”

Trust. He trusts me. I am imperfect, I fail and fall often, but He trusts ME?! He doesn’t expect perfection, nor does he expect grand and big changes always. He knows through small and simple things, precept on precept, here a little there a little... we will improve. And HE knows, it’s never. To. Late.

Return to Your Roots

A move happened on September 22, 2018.

Myself, my 4 littles, and a truck moved to the Northern Part of UT. It was a quick happening move. It was a miracle that it happened. It has continued to be a miracle.

I have felt many moments in the last 2 years of hopelessness, brokenness, bitterness, anger, hate, fear, doubt, sadness, resentment, regret, and so much more. I lost hope. I lost love. I lost the light. I prayed harder than ever before, every second of my life, to make it through each day. I held onto my children and what they needed to stay on solid ground. There were 2 moments I truly broke ... where I felt like there was no more light... as if God had left me and hope... happiness... faith... seemed to flee and I felt would never return.

Therapy... I went there... Eyes were opened to my worth, and to where I felt my worth. I didn't. I felt worthless. I felt like a failure. I felt like every time I tried I would get beat back down. Then a miracle happened.......  after a short conversation I felt HOPE. I didn't know how, what, when, where, who would make this happen but I felt hope.

Miracles? I didn't truly know of miracles. I know I have seen Gods hand in my life, but had never TRULY witnessed a miracle....  Who knew that there would  be endless miracles for myself and my sweet tiny littles.

 Miracles-
1 being told I could leave.
2. Friends turned sisters... a tribe... family isn't always blood.
3.A moving truck
4. Friends and Strangers sacrificing for me... for my family.
5. Safely driving
6. A Home.
7. A School.
... a job... a daycare... a ward... a bishop... FRIENDS... friends who are family... a car... safety... peace... love...

I returned to my home just under 12 years after I left. I will never forget what I have been blessed with. I will never forget those who helped us. As we drove into the valley immediate peace entered my soul. I felt something I hadn't in so long. The last time I left I wanted to leave every memory that came with it. I wanted to forget the people, pain, the past. I didn't know I missed it and what it did for me being here. Home.

I want healing. I want growth. I want safety and peace to continue for my little family. I want others to be brave. I want others to seek help. I want others to heal and get the help they need. I want others to see the light... to feel hope... to know that it can get better. And those who are hurting... I want them to heal!!!

Do you wear your past?

I just got back from swimming with my sister and her family. I took the oldest 3 while baby Lenny stayed with her dad. We laughed, played, jumped, threw, and chased each other. It was such a fun and needed day with family. I realized shortly into our day, that being with them made me breath easier, and relax in a way I haven't in months. After getting back to the house, the kids left to go to their grandmas house with their dad. I was about to jump in the shower, when the thoughts started running through my mind. Lately I have thought to myself, "I should write that down so I can write about it later."  And then I continue on doing whatever it is and I forget. Today, was different. 

I have been on a LONG journey learning to love my body for what it is. I have come to accept what it is, what it can be, and what it will be. I am amazed at what it is capable of, and what it can be capable of, and what it will do.

Toady, as I walked to the shower, I looked at my body in a way I haven't before. I noticed that the extra sun I got from being outside the last 2 days, has accentuated those beautiful stretchmarks I received when I got pregnant with my children. I don't really think they are beautiful, I know other women do, but I don't. What I DO think, is that they are a visible sign of my past, my motherhood, my ability that I was lucky enough to be able to carry 5 children. It is a visible appearance of choices made, of stress, of sadness, of heartbreak. It is the ability to see redemption, faith, hope, and love. 

As a birth mother, I still get told that I should just, "let it go, and move on...", and so on and so forth. Something that I don't believe many realize, is that even though we could, MAYBE, forget those babies we loved so much, some of us have daily reminders of them.  I feared being intimate after placing that baby for adoption. I feared dating, and being close to anyone, because then someday they would actually SEE me. They would see the marks, they would SEE my past. 

Some of us LITERALLY WEAR our pasts. We do not choose to hang on and remember every day; or do we really even want to remember in the beginning.  But, my choices led to a pregnancy, which led to my body changing, stretching, moving, and becoming something opposite of what it was prior. My past has not faded physically, but has even been more accentuated because of the other children I had. If it were not for those stretchmarks, I probably wouldn't remember daily. I probably would not have been so scared and closed off.  Then again, I probably would have been the same because I was so changed. I was so different. I was trying so hard to be something I wasn't, and hide something I was. 

I wear my history on my body. 

Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes its joyful. Sometimes I accept it; and sometimes I do not. I felt imperfect, and I believe many of the boys a dated after thought so as well. That is why they didn't last, or didn't even begin. There is more to having a fresh start, for us as birth mothers, when we physically see our past. It is hard to move forward, it is hard to forgive, its especially hard to feel like we fit in. 

Remember, for us, that we wear our past. Most of us do, anyway. We won't forget. We will have fear about our future spouse, our families, the people we date... Will they believe we are worthy if they SEE my history?  Remember for us, adoptive families, that we don't forget and that we love you. That the moments when we may not like you as we grieve, that we DO remember why we chose you.  That we have to hold onto the reminders that we are Daughters of God, Daughters of a King. That despite our choices, our failures, our fears... that He is waiting for us to allow him to forgive us. For His grace, his love, his mercy. 

I know I need to remember that right now more than I ever have before... 

I am enough. I am imperfectly perfect. I am loved. I am lifted. I am His. I am a Daughter of God.

So are you. We can wear our pasts, and do so with class, with self confidence, and with a desire to continue to make better choices. WE ARE SO UNBELIEVABLY ENOUGH. 

Twelve Years

12 years ago.

Today, at 1:00 I was supposed to have been at LDSFS to place my baby boy in the arms of his mom and dad.  His eternal family was waiting for him, just like they had been for years. The difference on that day, was the waiting was ending in the physical presence of their child.  

I can look back today and cry because of all the little miracles that took place that led me to them.  All the tender mercies that allowed hearts to be softened, and hearts to be filled with faith as we made a decision to place our child for adoption.  

After laying my own baby down for a nap today, I am blessed, even more, of the knowledge i have of eternal families.  The fact that these children were sent to me, and i get the privilege to be the mom I always wanted to be.  That even though the time was not right for me to be E's mom, the time was right for him to be sent to me, so that I could get him to his mom.  I didn't have to wait, and hurt, and ache for a child. I didn't have to even "try" to have one, The handful of times that I had sex landed me pregnant at 18.  But, I am thankful that I did get pregnant, because it has taught me much, and let me know some truly one of a kind people.  

On this day 12 years ago, I sat in my parents living room.  Preparing for the placement of my first born.  Something that I really didn't prepare for in any way. Pictures were being taken, diapers changed, gifts being put together, bags being packed.  I held him, took in every single detail, and ever smell.  I talked, whispered, promised, and cried.  The house that I came to hate, was a house that I had come to; to spend the last few hours with my baby.  It was quieter than it had ever been, at least that is how I remember feeling it was.  No one raised their voices, everyone was soft, gentle, and had a prayer in their heart.  My baby sisters and brother came to say goodbye to the baby they had only known for a few short days... a few short hours really.  

I feel as tired today as I did then.  But today I won't lay down with a tiny little boy.  Today I will take care of my own babies, my very own boy, and my very own little girls.  I wonder if I feel tired because of the emotions and experiences this year has held, and especially in the last few weeks.  Or if I am tired because I get to be a mom.

How did this time go so fast?  How did it all change so quickly, and still continues to change?  The unknown is still readily available in front of me.  12 years later and i have come to accept the fact that things are the way they are.  That 12 years later, its ok to keep this sweet memory and sweet moments to myself.  That its ok that I don't share details, or pictures, or experiences with my family.  And its most definitely ok to be angry with them for experiences in the last 12 years.  Part of grieving is doing so in layers, and I now grieve over my family, and what they will miss out on.  

But 12 years later, I get to celebrate, love, and support, and shout that I DO NOT regret that decision to place that boy for adoption.  I absolutely, 100%, with out a doubt know that he was not mine, and that he was always supposed to get to his mom and dad.  I know that whatever the story, whatever the reason, that in the preexistence his parents, myself, and E sat together and discussed the moments that would bring us back together on earth.  I know that we chose this, and I know that i did it to get him to them... for me or them... or him... I don't know... but I know it was RIGHT.

12 years later and he has been raised to be one incredible young man.  He loves his family, loves his mom, serves, and is SO smart.  He is more than I ever hoped he would be.  He is everything he is because of his mom and dad.  He has every opportunity to achieve his dreams.  He has support, love, faith, and people who believe he CAN.  He is super handsome.  He is perfect.  

I hope that the next 12 years he continues to go on the path he has been shown.  That he continues to be the boy he is now.  That he does what he wants, and achieves his dreams.  

Thank you, E, for letting me be your birth mom.  Thank you R & S, for the love and support always.  And for letting me love your son, and your other babies, and your families!  I am so lucky to have been blessed to have my family grow because of you three.  

Happy Birthday on the 28th.  Happy anniversary today.  Keep going.  Keep smiling.  

I will keep loving you forever and ever.  

-Jena

5 months

Its been almost 6 months since I've written.... I am not sure what to write today.  Computer-less for almost 6 months. Thoughts building up for almost 6 months.  And today, I don't know what to say.

So, to be honest, today I hate adoption.

Today, I hate being a birth mother. I hate the supposed "birth mom bond" that is supposed to unite birth parents.  I hate that I got involved in the adoption community.  Today, I just hate it.  Its been months of feeling so much anger and disgust. Not just for others, but for myself as well.



6 months after placing, LDSFS had set up a plan for updates.  For the first 3 months, I got pictures and letters once a week.  Since I, apparently, lived in the stone age, we communicated by letters, in the mail.  Pictures were printed and sent with the letter.  I had usually 5 or more pictures with each letter. They updated me on how E was doing, and how they were doing.  For three months, I very much needed to know how he was.  I needed that affirmation to keep my head on straight.  I needed to know that my decision was right.  I knew that he would have been in such a toxic atmosphere those first 3 months(had I parented).  But, I still needed to know that he was OK(even if Ii knew he was).  Every letter, every picture, eased so much pain and FEAR.  I SAW the joy in each face in each picture. I saw him being held, cherished, loved, adored, and carefully cared for.  He was perfection, and so were his family.

The next 3 months I received pictures every other week.  With each letter that arrived in the mail, more and more anxieties, fears, and pains were diminishing, many had been extinguished completely.  He was smiling, giggling, chubby, blondie, blue eyed, and the most handsome little boy EVER.  NO BATTLE.  I grew more and more love for his mom and dad, more and more love for his grandmas and grandpas, and for the every growing testament of the peace of where he was. He was home.



I owe SO SO SO SO SO much of my healing, my happiness, and my love for adoption, to his amazing mom and dad.  I was able to heal, to move forward, and grow because of their promises kept, and promises made.  Because they allowed me to know where he was, to know he was OK(with boundaries included) I was able to have peace fill my soul.

I went out with a dear birth mom friend this week.  My heart broke, tears were shed, and anger filled my heart towards people who "owe" so much to her.  I say that and then want to smack myself because they don't owe her.  Adoptive families don't owe us anything.  You don't owe a birth parent anything. We made the choice, we made the plan, we followed through. We chose to sign relinquishment papers, we chose to not be mom.  BUT, in that, we are still a mom, we still love them with every single ounce of our being.

Though you don't owe us "anything", you do owe us something.  By sacrificing every bit of human nature because we love our children.  Because we broke every ounce of mothering instinct to place those babies into the arms of the families that were supposed to be, we truly, TRULY, deserve respect.  I know there are lines, I know every situation is different.  I AM NOT BLIND to the crazy, to the alcoholic, to the mentally incapable, to the drugged... there are situations where you can be respectful but have to have VERY tight and closed boundaries.

What I can say, is that though adoption will not be "them" it will not define them completely, it will be  HUGE part of who they are.  Because of adoption, they have a home, they have a family.  Because of adoption they aren't biologically the same... so that will cause medical situations.  It will be a part of them.  My numerous adopted friends(since before I became a birth parent) say that adoption is a part of them, not defining them, but a part of them.

Adoption, for birth parents, doesn't define us either. It doesn't say what kind of person we are because we became pregnant and chose to place a child for adoption. It doesn't make us sluts, or whores, or druggies, or terrible horrible no good people.  It doesn't make us all crazy, or angry, or ruined.  For many, it helps us find out who we really are.  For many it made us open our eyes to what we REALLY wanted in life.  For many, it was the only way back to Him.

Respect us.  Love us. You can do so with boundaries.  UPDATE your birth families.  Let them know how those littles are doing, how YOU are doing. Let them know they are healthy and happy.  Let them know that they are THRIVING.  Why should you do this?  Because without knowledge, we are left empty.  We are left to question the very thing we chose. We are left in wonder of their health, their bonding, their well being.  Update, because those pictures and letters, even if its a quick text, or short 1 paragraph email, THOSE HEAL.  Those pictures were a CONSTANT reaffirmation of RIGHT.  They were always there to set my aching heart back to peaceful.  I KNEW he was fine, and he was where he was supposed to be.


So... we can even go a step further...

VISITS --

They happen.  Crazy right.  I mean, how can someone "give away" their child and then expect a visit?  No, this is not a like a divorce. No, we do not share parenting responsibilities(nor should parenting responsibilities be shared).  We do not get them "ever other weekend", or "for the summer" or whatever it is that divorcees have to deal with.  BUT what there can be, are in person visits, to show love and care for all those involved in the adoption triad.

Could you believe, that when I saw that little boy for the first time, I was scared, and maybe a little heartbroken?  I had waited 2 years to see him in real life again, and when I did, I realized he wasn't my little boy.  That part was heartbreaking; that he grew up from my 3 day old baby.  At three days old he became a member of his eternal family.  I was scared because I didn't know how I would feel. I was scared that I would break down. That the connection with his parents wouldn't be there... Did you know, though, that as they walked forward with their families, all those fears were filled with pure and utter HAPPINESS and EXCITEMENT!!!!  I couldn't have been more happy that he didn't have a clue who I was, and that he clung to his mom and dad.  It was a dream come true.  Could you believe that SO SO SO many holes and questions and fears were healed.  HEALED!

I could have gone the rest of my life with little to no contact after that day.  Why?  Because I saw, first hand, that he was PERFECT.  I have such a testimony of the power of prayer, of faith, and of God answering questions.  That moment strengthened me, and showed me much of what I had lost when I became pregnant. That day, helped me... find me.



When people say that they have never seen their birth child/children after placement, it breaks my heart. Only, because I know what it did for my heart, my soul, and my mind.  It breaks my heart because even thought they say they are ok(which i know there are some who are truly ok) they aren't.  I can't say that every single birth parent deserves a visit.... we all know when they shouldn't or can't.  But, in a lot of cases, we just would love to see them WITH YOU.  Pictures are wonderful, letters are amazing, and texts are like Christmas morning, but being able to see them, with our own eyes....  PEOPLE I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT IT DID FOR ME. There are no words to express it. There is no way to show it.  But I can STILL feel it, when I think about it.


So why do I Hate adoption today...  because I hate adoption for my families, who just want to see those families.  Who just would love to sit down and watch y'all interact, and be a family.  I hate it for so many other reasons right now too...


I know I don't have people reading this a lot... I think that is good because it wasn't my desire for this... and it is going to be very sporadic writing anymore.  I am pulling out of the adoption community. I need out. I need a break. I need solace.  I need peace.  I am lucky to know the people I do because of adoption. I am lucky to be friends with so many now.  I'll keep those intact...  but I can't put this out there anymore.  Not like I have been.  Its kinda ruined me lately.  And I hate it.   So ... for my last post for however long... Adoptive families(who are REAL families) I hope you can see and hear what has been written.  I know that you know what will work, what is possible, what is right.  But I also hope that hearts will be softened and that you'll be able to let a visit happen, or even be able to send those pictures they are so desperately needed.  They will heal. They will give peace. They will save.

January Adoption Link-up

How will adoption play a roll in your year? What are your hopes and dreams? Are you waiting for your little one to come home? Write about how you imagine that happening. Are you placing/have you placed a child for adoption? What are you hopes for your child's future, and how you will be a part of their year? How will you contribute to the adoption world this year?

This has to be for me, really Kristen, it has been on my mind since November!

So, that seems to be the thing lately, "How do I want adoption to be a part of me this year?"  "How will it play out?"....

The possibilities are endless when you have placed so long ago.  So much has changed in the 3 short years since I went "public" with my story.  I think at the time I needed to express myself and my story for me. I have always felt the desire to serve and do more in the adoption community, but never jumped into it.  I had LDSFS number a year after moving here, and never talked to anyone, because it just didn't feel comfortable. It scared me to go into another -group that wasn't "mine".    I waited for a long time before I went in, and had even started writing here before then.  . 

I thought sharing was something that was unique.  I thought a blog about it was unique. It isn't, and I feel dumb most of the time because its very repetitive in what I say, and what is out there.  But it served me, in a way to pretend I was serving my purpose. I have learned so much and now.... here I am.

How will adoption play a roll in your year?

I'll post less... because I don't feel like I need to do this. I don't feel like I have anyone to help. I feel like this blog served its purpose. I don't know what it was... but it feels that way. I will take a back seat, and see how I feel. I will watch, and be minimally involved in the community. I don't feel needed there, and that is OK.  I did my part. What it is I hope I'll find out someday, but I think its done for now.  

Hopes and Dreams?

I hope to be able to move forward in my journey. To let go of unanswered questions, and expectations of others. I can't meet my own expectations lately, so expecting anything of others seems unrealistic right now.  (blog post to come about that).   I hope that my angel boy and his family will continue in their amazing life. That they will continue to be filled with love, compassion, joy, and safety.  They truly are incredible people, and I am lucky to know them.  I hope they all know how much I love each and every one of them. And that I have nothing but love and hope for all of them.  I hope he knows how much I love him.  And that even though I am not his mom, I want the best for him.  That he achieves all he desires and dreams, and continues to be the amazing young man that I've been told he is! 

for me:

I hope I figure out what I want to do:)  I hope I can figure out what God wants me to do. 

Contribution to the adoption world?

I have been planning and prepping for 2015. (yup just had to backspace it and correct 2014 to 2015) I will continue to work with Open Adoption, Open Heart on both the Birth Parent, and Group pages.  I will hopefully have another meet up with my OAOH ladies this coming summer as well.  I hope that I can be a POSITIVE part of adoption.  That I can let go of the hurt and push the good.  I hope that I can experience being a part of someones  adoption again.  I would LOVE to experience finding the "family" for an expectant mom and her baby. 

I really want to do more posting of Hopeful Adoptive Families/couples.  I need to. I want to. I will do.  

And for now, that is it. I am kind of in a fog as to what will happen now.  Maybe its due to the fact that we will be adding another baby girl to our family in 3-4 weeks.  And being so unprepared mentally/spiritually/emotionally/physically is FREAKING ME OUT!  I feel guilty about it.  I feel bad.  But right now I feel as if I am at a crossroads.  And I need help from my Father in Heaven to tell me where to go.  

I usually ask what I should do.. "should I do this or that"... and have gotten no response lately. So its probably time that I quit telling him what I want, and find out what HE wants. That is how it is supposed to work anyway right?  

I hope y'all will join me in prayer, and faith, and journaling.  I hope everyone has an amazing year with amazing blessings. I hope that those waiting... and waiting... and waiting will have their hearts and homes filled with the children that they are waiting for, and that are waiting for them. 

The Theif of Joy

Remember that time I had the worst day ever?  Heck it may have been the worst day/week/month/year.... but either way, it was the worst.  The only thing that enveloped my mind daily was the fact that E's mom did NOT have days like this. It took a while...(thus I am only writing about this now) but I have recovered;mostly. And I have a new sense of understanding, learning, experience, etc etc.

We've all heard it, we've all seen it, and very often we've all been angered by it.  But seeing it at the moment I did, just before I'd posted, it was something that shot straight to my heart and made me start to wake up. "You can't compare your beginning to someone elses' middle."

Two quotes that have ran through my mind very often this month of December.  Many times in the frustration of dealing with children. Or in moments of "new this and new that" for many people.  I have to remember that I have had to go through things in the last 10 years that others never will.  I have had to endure much heartache in that time from many different things, that others never will.  While I do get angry often because of it, I have a knowledge and understanding that others don't.  I have had experiences that have allowed me to be there for others who thought they were alone.  

I have had to remember how prepared S & R were to be parents.  Both college graduates, both steady jobs for at least a few years before  becoming parents, very smart with their money.  Then I had to remember what they had to do in order to be 'approved' to adopt.  The classes, the home studies, the panels, and so much stuff I can't even imagine.  I had to remember that they're at a point I am not, and they have had time etc to get there.  And hello, what better examples to have?!  Faith and love and everything I could ever want in a marriage/friendship is visible with those two.  What I should have been doing was watching, and applying their parenting style in my own life. Not necessarily identically, because I'll never be as they are, but I could do better, and by golly they're amazing parents!  I sat and looked in the past at all they have done, and do, and compared my 7 1/2 married years to their 12+, the thief was there.

Comparison to them eventually turned to comparison to myself and most every person I've come in contact with in my lifetime.  "look where they are... and I'm just here.", "I have tried this and this and this... and they do that and that and that... ", Many times I have knelt in prayer, and have been so frustrated, that I couldn't get the words out.  I always turned into the..."I try SO STINKING HARD" I always do my best, and these people over here lie, cheat, steal, etc etc... and they have it all.  I gave up a couple years ago; took me a year + to get even started in what i quit.  I came to that point again when I wrote that. I was ready to quit. I was ready to walk away from it all.  This is not worth it.  

I struggle, OFTEN, with comparison.  In turn, I struggle with faith, and my willingness to put my emotions and life in the Lords hands.  I constantly say I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I QUIT. I GIVE UP. THIS ISN'T WORTH IT.  I forgot how to pray, to pray and LISTEN to what my Heavenly Father wants me to learn, and see, and do. Because I lost faith in Him, I was robbed of joy.  I was robbed of joy because of myself.  I look at the bad, and ignore the good.  That has to change.  

My beginning has stunk... but my middle and end will be grand.  They have to be, He has promised me, and it will.  

It comes in adoption that you compare your story to others. There are to many differences in EVERY SINGLE situation, that there should be no room for comparison.  You need to pick out the GOOD, the JOY, in your story. There is good to be found in everything, EVERYTHING.  I am finally taking the initiative from Blessings in a Basket/Big Tough Girl and starting a daily gratitude journal.  And a family gratitude jar/journal, won't you join me.

-jena

Adoption Language

What are your views on appropriate adoption language?  

(Examples: Birth mom vs. expectant mom, was adopted vs is adopted,)

Have you had any personal experiences with inappropriate adoption language?

How, if at all, did you educate those involved?

I think I'll share a couple experiences first. 

When I placed my little guy for adoption, we used the term PLACED(obviously), and not "gave up". I remember many moments after hearing, "she gave up her baby for adoption."; whether it be in an explanation of my crying, or an introduction to who I was. Those few months after placement, the words "gave up her son", defined me at almost every meeting. 

What it didn't do was make me angry, or frustrated with those sharing my information, or sharing info on others.  MOSTLY, because I had just come into the adoption world, and I, too, had used "gave up" for a LONG TIME.  It was never meant in a demeaning negative way, but since then has become something that I enjoy correcting others on. Not because I am mad, but because opportunities for education are amazing, and fun! And, in most cases, it was a lack of education(or age difference/when raised) that promoted different types of adoption language

SECOND:

When I became involved with OAOH I didn't think there were very specific terms to Birth mother/expectant mother, I never used the "politically correct" terminology, because it never dawned on me that there was such a thing.  So, in my uneducated, naive first post, I said BM.... yup... the big ol NO NO was upon me. I got such a lashing I thought I would get kicked off the page because I'd upset so many people.  I had NO IDEA that it would cause such a ruckus, let alone make anyone mad.  

Remember; in my thoughts through the years, "Education is key. Not everyone understands, because how can they when not everyone has experienced this kind of situation."  SO, luckily I have amazing friends at OAOH to told me not to take it personally, and EDUCATED ME about the correct ways to address titles. Not only was I taught, but I was able to witness complete strangers back me up in the "don't attack her" because of my wording. It was a time to educate everyone on terminology, and in respect.

The Birth Mom, 

B Mom - Birth Mother - First Mom - First Mother

NEVER BM, because we all know what BM stands for. 

I won't repeat it because it makes me laugh and reminds me of my grandpa. It is also something that offends a great deal of birth mothers out there.  Not me personally, BUT, I can totally understand why they would be unappreciative of the term.  So, its simple.... don't use it:)

Expectant Mom,

This was one that was new to me upon joining the adoption community. I didn't ever call myself anything personally, but I was a birth mom... and I was going to be a birth mom.  BUT, an expectant mom is someone who is pregnant, and is in the deciding stage.  Even then, if a choice has been made to place a child for adoption, she is still an expectant mom.  She does not become a birth mom until the papers are signed, and the child is placed in the arms of the perspective adoptive families arms.  Even then, I think there is some time frames in some states where that can be overturned for whatever reasons. 

After the baby arrives, that girl/woman is a MOM. She is not a birth mother until papers are signed, and that baby is placed into the arms of his/her parents or any other party involved in the placement of said child. This, for me, has been a new experience, and I too have found myself still calling those expectant moms 'birth mothers'. This has happened when these women/couples have chosen to place and have an adoption plan in place.  But, I have gotten better, it may have taken a while, and reminding, but it is better.

Adoptive Parent:
Not to be confused with the Hopeful Adoptive Parent.
The obvious, an adoptive parent, has adopted. A HOPEFUL adoptive parent, has either not adopted before and is now in the approved waiting game stage. The hopeful adoptive, could also be those that are in the approval process and haven't had a final go ahead.  ALSO, you could have adopted, and be ready to adopt again, thus, hoping to adopt.
(am I getting this part right???)

One thing I hate about "adoptive parent"...
I DESPISE calling my little mans mom and dad his "adoptive parents", because though they adopted him, THEY ARE HIS MOM AND DAD.  They were always his mom and dad, and they were always meant to be.  It makes me wanna slap myself across the face when I have to say "his adoptive mom and dad".  Because, well, thought they are his adoptive parents.... they ARE his PARENTS.  There is something about that ... and  maybe its my faith, and experience in what has been manifested to me, but he was ALWAYS theirs.  I always say, "his mom and dad", and if I HAVE to explain further so they know who I'm talking about, I'll say the adoptive family....  still irks me, but hey, you can only do so much.

Adoption language has long since changed, and evolved over time. As with most things in life, things are updated, or made inappropriate, or made to be appropriate.  Birth Mother Baskets had started a 'movement' or campaign, "Gave Love, Gave life, But never Gave Up.  PLACED".  Its an educational movement, one that will probably take a whole lotta years to fully envelope the world. BUT, it is teaching, and it was a great start. I can't seem to get angry when someone says "gave up" because it usually is just the lack of education.  When it isn't a lack of education, its an 'age' difference; or a 'grew up in a different era' difference.  It doesn't not make me mad, sometimes its hard to hear it, but never angers me.  I gave up soda... I gave up clothes I didn't fit into anymore. I gave up feeling like a failure... I didn't give up my son. I didn't give up on him either.  I chose to FIGHT for him, and in doing so, that meant giving him a home with 2 parents, and the life i KNEW he deserved, and where he belonged.

I am was an expectant mom... and birth mom... and now an adoption lover.
I can't say it enough... education is KEY in the forward movement of adoption.
 -Jena

<div align="center">
<a href="http://www.jkadoptionlove.com/p/adoption-love-link-up.html" title="Adoption Love"><img src="http://i1349.photobucket.com/albums/p741/joshkrisadopt/Untitled_zps390f34f0.png" alt="Adoption Love" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

(examples: Birth mom vs. expectant mom, was adopted vs. is adopted, etc.) Have you had any personal experiences with inappropriate adoption language? How, if at all, did you help educate those involved? - See more at: http://www.jkadoptionlove.com/p/adoption-love-link-up.html#sthash.2FhxkYow.dpuf

WhaWhat are your views on appropriate adoption language? (examples: Birth mom vs. expectant mom, was adopted vs. is adopted, etc.) Have you had any personal experiences with inappropriate adoption language? How, if at all, did you help educate those involved? - See more at: http://www.jkadoptionlove.com/p/adoption-love-link-up.html#sthash.2FhxkYow.dpuf

 What are your views on appropriate adoption language? (examples: Birth mom vs. expectant mom, was adopted vs. is adopted, etc.) Have you had any personal experiences with inappropriate adoption language? How, if at all, did you help educate those involved? - See more at: http://www.jkadoptionlove.com/p/adoption-love-link-up.html#sthash.wL355ccI.dpuf

 What are your views on appropriate adoption language? (examples: Birth mom vs. expectant mom, was adopted vs. is adopted, etc.) Have you had any personal experiences with inappropriate adoption language? How, if at all, did you help educate those involved? - See more at: http://www.jkadoptionlove.com/p/adoption-love-link-up.html#sthash.wL355ccI.dpuf

 What are your views on appropriate adoption language? (examples: Birth mom vs. expectant mom, was adopted vs. is adopted, etc.) Have you had any personal experiences with inappropriate adoption language? How, if at all, did you help educate those involved? - See more at: http://www.jkadoptionlove.com/p/adoption-love-link-up.html#sthash.wL355ccI.dpuf

An Advocate

A few years ago I was blessed to find Open Adoption, Open Heart on Facebook.  I then was lucky enough to become friends with Russell & Jammie. And then was shocked when they asked me to be part of their admin team, and an adoption advocate for Open Adoption, Open Heart.  I cried(ask my hubs) because it was truly an honor. I LOVE my OAOH family.  That place and those people will always be home. I will never leave, and I will never stop the love!

I didn't think much of the ways you can come in contact with people.  I have been blogging for a couple years now, with no real intention of an "audience".  I just felt this to be a place to spread the love. To write and GET IT OUT.  I still don't have a "destination" for this blog, other than for me to be able to have an out.  And yes, I could do it in my own private journal, but this actually gets done.  I haven't written in my own journal since just before my own baby boy was born!  Ya, that is how frigging awesome I am!  I just feel comfortable having this OUT.  

So, back to the point of this post.  I had never thought of myself as an "adoption advocate" because I didn't know there was such a title.  I didn't know there was a special title... because I felt that I was just a girl, who placed a child, and LOVED what it did for him, his family, and myself.  I just felt that if someone came to the same place I had, that I hoped they could hear my story, or my words, or anyones words who has had experience where I have, and be able to make an educated decision.  I love adoption.  I love birth parents. I love it, I just do. Its nothing to brag and boast, and say LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME. I don't want or need recognition, I am not here sharing so someone can say "oh look what she did/does".  I am here so that someone else can learn, grow, and make a decision.  

I can honestly say that I did TRY to be a part of the "adoption community".  I think I discovered a few different things.  The "community" I am in is saturated, it has already been established by amazing and supportive people.  It is a community that is set in what it wants/needs.  It is a community that, unless you are a part of it from the very moment you decide on adoption, its not one to easily be a part of.  There are MANY that are a "part" of it, but there are a few whose opinions/stories/experiences or whatever you want to call it are asked for.  THAT IS OK.  I can say it is OK, because I GOT OVER what was hurting so bad. I got over the fact that I was taking it all personal.  Because I realized, I am just not what they need.  At least, I am not what they need in the advocacy boat.  I still love to participate in many areas, but I am not there as a "advocate" I am there as a birth mom.  That is perfection for me.  

I attended the Birth Parent meet up hosted by Adoption: Share the Love this last year.  I LOVED IT. I was not there being trampled and being fussed over, I was there as a birth parent, who needed some birth parent love.  It was a great event, especially because of those who I got to chat with, and meet.  I was spread out meeting new people, and it was great! That is what I am. That is what I need.

I am a Birth Parent. I Love Adoption.  

Maybe the issue, rather the realization, is that I am 11 years into this "post placement journey".  I have had gobs and gobs of time to heal, and grow. I have had countless hours of moments in prayer, and being alone to meditate what I felt. I know what I want,  I know what I need.  I guess I am just not a normal Birth Parent?  I feel, I am not his mom.  He is not my son, my son is 3 days old. He has a mom, and dad, and oh how I love them.  I love his family, both his immediate family, and his extended family.  His Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, I LOVE THEM.  I love them like family.  I don't feel like its weird to not feel like his mom.  Because I have had many confirmations that he isn't.  I can testify that he is theirs and was ALWAYS meant to be theirs!

I have accepted the ugly parts of my story. The ugly including the relationships with bf, the self destruction of my own doing, and the ugly of how painful moments were and can be.  YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT AND EMBRACE THE UGLY.  Because adoption is not always pretty and rainbows, especially for birth parents.  Not everyone has a picture perfect experience.  Some have really frigging crappy experiences, I've witnessed one just recently, and it is UGLY, and it is MEAN, and it is utterly and completely HEARTBREAKING.  But, those who share their ugly moment, can help others more than they know!!!  

I am a lover of adoption. I am a lover of Birth Parents.  I am a lover of Adoptive Parents... who are real parents... and seriously i kind of hate calling them "adoptive parents".  But that's a post for another time.

I am just Jena.  And that is perfect for me.  

I will support this community, because they are doing great things, no matter what it does for me. With that being said as well. I will support those who ALSO support the community.  Not just some of the community, but ALL of it.  That supports and lifts every other "group", program, agency, etc.  I know that I am not for everyone, and everyone isn't for me.  BUT, each group has good and bad (to everyone)  be supportive... don't talk about one being better than the other... and don't start junk between groups! If you are going to advocate, do it respectfully and responsibly.  You are out there spreading the love of adoption, of birth parents, of adoptive couples, of adoptive hopefuls. Do so in the same light that you would want others to share information about you. 

She Doesn't Have Days Like This

** Disclaimer **  please be gentle with me. This is hard.

~ She gets the laundry done

~ The dishes don't pile up

~ Chores get done 

~ Kids don't fight with her

~ She gets dressed, and her hair gets done every day

~ Prayers & Scripture study are daily

~ She doesn't yell

~ She doesn't threaten

~ She doesn't get frustrated

She WANTS to be a mom.

I have had these thoughts running through my mind, continuously, for 2 weeks. To the point I even wrote it all out in one of my "thought journals". Its been a hard few weeks being a mom. So... I guess I'll share a story:

I wasn't married when I got pregnant with E (NO REALLY?  I am sure you didn't know that). I wasn't married with I got pregnant with my oldest little Louis either.  (didn't know that one did ya?)

I wasn't in a bad relationship, I wasn't sleeping around, I wasn't doing anything bad... except, oh ya, having sex before I was married. There was one HUGE difference, no really there was.

My husband and I got engaged in November. We went and spent Thanksgiving with my family that following weekend to "celebrate" and share the engagement.  We had already planned that we wanted to be married in the LDS Temple (I am LDS, and you can learn more about the temple here) and we would do that the following October. On the way home from that trip we decided that we needed to change our plans. There was no reason why(at that point) for this change, other than us feeling like it was something we should do. That meant no temple marriage at that point. That meant a lot of questions, or angry people, but we felt it was right.  So we moved up the date. 

In that time we still tried to be good... ya know.. good to not sleeping together... and then I needed to take a pregnancy test in January... and it was positive. 

Lets be honest, I was NOT ready to be a mother. Yes, the circumstances were different, and in my favor (for the most part), but I was still not ready.   As we sat in the bathroom, looking at those lines, I even said OUT LOUD, "Maybe we shouldn't get married. Are you sure you want to get married. I don't want people to think we are getting married because of this. ARE YOU SURE?"

He laughed, because of course he wanted to marry me,(who wouldn't right LOL) So we talked to our families about what the situation was... and it was WORSE than the first time. I HATED every second of it! 

And we moved forward with our planned wedding date. 

So, we got married, and i was 3 months pregnant, and it was a drama filled day. And we went on our honeymoon, and I was sick, and we had a baby. 

I was not ready to be a mom.
We were living with his parents to save money. To prepare for the upcoming life change. It was rough.
he worked 2 jobs. I worked 1 job, until i almost had a baby 6 weeks early, then i hung out for a bit. I thought I was ready. I thought I could do it. I thought that I would be the best mom in the world. I thought... I paid the ultimate price, and sacrificed a whole lot, so that I could be a mom, in the right circumstances, someday.  Oh boy was there a wake up call to be had.

I realized REAL quick... it wasn't all I had hoped.

She cried, A LOT.
She spit up, A LOT. And not just little spits. Spits, as in me having to change my clothes MULTIPLE times a day.  She was a great baby during the day, but I could not help her at night. I was tired. She was tired. WE were tired. Many nights her dad got up to be sobbing, and her sobbing, and I went to the bathroom and cried, and he held her in the rocking chair and consoled her. What in the world was wrong with me?!  Why couldn't I take care of her?!
 3 1/2 years later I had my 2nd of my own. Lots of curve balls thrown in before and after her birth. 9 1/2 months later, and six weeks earlier than planned, baby #3 joined the clan.

And here we are...

Dishes pile up.
laundry doesn't get done. Or only gets half done.
Chores don't get done.(or do because I end up having a nervous breakdown)
 Louis fights me CONSTANTLY, and littles #2 & 3 are joining in.
I rarely get dressed anymore. And makeup is very optional.(even if I get dressed)
I don't pray or read daily, at least not on my own.
I yell.... a LOT.
I make dumb threats all the time.
And I feel like a failure 99.999% of the time.
Right now... I don't want to be a mom.

I didn't believe anything other than S being perfect. I still believe she is. I have only been around her 6 times in 11 years, but in that time I KNOW who she is. She is the most soft spoken, caring, loving, honest, hardworking, positive person on the planet(NO JOKE).  I have been around their family. And I am equally positive that they are the same way. They are INCREDIBLE parents. Encouraging, and patient, and kind, and PERFECT.  I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see her parent her children. I wish I knew what I could do, because I am so far from being like her. 
I always wanted (and still want) to be like her. I want to be the kind of wife and mother she is. I want to have a soft voice. A loving soul. I want to work on being perfect, because she works so hard, and as achieving that perfection.


I know i have seen many adoptive families having a hard time being "perfect".  The thing is, you ARE perfect. You are prefect for us. You are perfect for the expectant parents looking for the forever family to their babies. You are the perfect match for each person you come to.  Perfection, though, doesn't mean you are perfect. Perfection, in my eyes as a birth parent, is trying daily to do your best. I want real, I want mistakes. Knowing that you AREN'T perfect is an answer to prayers. Because we want to meet your expectations. We want to be positive, and better than we were yesterday. We want to exceed our own expectations, so that if there is openness, if there is a meeting later in the years, that we can say, I DID IT!
We want to be the parents to our own kids, that you are to yours. Those children we placed belong with you. When we chose you, we chose what we knew to be right.

Does it make it better or easier for me today? No... to be honest.
Today... OK for a few weeks... I just don't want to be a mom. Because I am failing them. I am failing myself. I am failing their dad. I am failing the expectations I set for me. I am failing at achieving even the SLIGHTEST bit of perfection that She is. I am not even close. And right now, it just makes me want to cry.

So today... I'll cry... and tomorrow I'll reevaluate and post again. So I'll have to finish with this quote:

And I know it all to well.

Profile #2

What can I say about this next family? I honestly haven't met the boys:), but oh oh oh how I LOVE Dawnett.

I met D at a panel at Dixie High School. I hadn't presented in YEARS, and I had NEVER presented with Adoptive Parents. It was pretty awesome, and her story is pretty amazing!  I LOVE getting to hear her speak and share her story. I especially love that she married "the uncle" of her friend:).  

Dawnett is ... amazing. She is the mommy to the most handsome 7 year old, and wife to a equally as handsome dude(PS his name is Brad).  And they are so fun. Dawnett has such a love for adoption, for birth moms, and adoptive families. She is so generous, and caring, and truly LOVES the heck outta everyone.  

They were blessed with their little man when he was almost 1, and the bond was instant. They have such an amazing love for him, and for his birth family. They often visit each others homes, and love to chat and support each other. They are so unique in their openness and love!

Through her struggle, she has helped so many, and has been such a good voice for those little teenagers to hear!  And a good voice for adoption advocacy.  Life never goes the way we plan, there are often bumps and bruises on the way, but she has battled through.  and OH I LOVE HER!!!

So, lets get the word out, and find their family!!!!!

(sorry D- im a theiving fool, and stole your pictures off FB)

their profile: HERE

Profile

I may be a weird Birth Mother, but I LOVE advocating for Hopeful Adoptive Couples/Families. It doesn't hurt either when they are some of my most favorite people.   I have been blessed to help in the "match" of an expectant mother, and a hopeful adoptive couple.  It was an amazing thing to witness, and prayers were answered for ALL involved. That is a story that isn't mine to tell, but it is one I get to share that much of. The experience was surreal, and incredible. I still am in shock of how profound Gods hands are in the lives of others. How his guidance, nudges, or big pushes, put us into places where we can be of service to others.  

I have MANY friends hoping to adopt. Tonight, I want to talk about Brett & Candace.

I "met" Candace when I found the group, Open Adoption Open Heart, and I clicked with her, just as I did the founders Jammie & Russell.  

Candace and Brett have a BEAUTIFUL family, with boys Sawyer & Jamison. And they have BEAUTIFUL birth families, and oh how they love them. I can't begin to tell you how many times I get to hear of how much she just LOVES those in her kids birth families, and how she misses them so much. They love their big, grafted, family. She has also taken me in as an "adopted birth mom", and I have adopted her as my adopted adoptive mom:).  We sure love each other. 

What touched me, and drew me to love them more, was the video they had on their youtube channel, Our Adoption Option, of the day they brought Jamison home.  The love that radiated from her family, her son, her SISTER(whose reaction is what truly did me in).  You can watch it HERE.

This family love love LOVES these people, and i love them too. They are AMAZING.

Their approved and ready and waiting for their birth families, and the amazing miracle that will be their child. And I hope they find them soon, because they have been waiting and waiting. They have been praying to make sure they are doing what is right, and needed. That the timing may be perfect and right for everyone. Candace(because i talk to her most:)), has been waiting especially. Wondering who she gets to love on for the rest of forever. Wondering where that amazing expectant mom is, and hoping she is loved, and knows how much she is already loved!  

And, I'll be holding a fundraiser in the next week or 2 for them as well!!!!

SO GO CHECK EM OUT!!!!

Their youtube video & other videos:)

Their Adoption profile

Their Blog

National Adoption Month

November is already half over.

This year, and this month, have been the craziest (as far as adoption goes).  The amount of people I've met, heard from, befriended, its pretty much the most incredible year yet. And, I have also learned a lot.  

I have been dong the BTG Photo a day challenge,  and in the midst had a very emotional experience. I am often able to attend a support group for expectant mothers. I like to go to show that there is life after placement, that it does get easier, and that the angel boy I placed is amazing.  I don't have much experience with closed adoption(or adoptions closing after being told they were going to be open). But there are a few girls experiencing this exact thing, and others close to.  

One amazing birth mother came to show her support and share he own experience with her adoption closing after 2 years.  I had never heard her story, I had only known that 2 years after placing the family chose to close the adoption.  And NO, she was NOT one of those crazy birth mothers. She never asked for anything, and never implied she was anything but a birth mom.  She didn't want to take her, she didn't want to be her mom, she simply wanted to show her love for that baby just like we all do.

She shared some pretty stinking tough and hard experiences, and had some even more amazing advice to one birth parent in particular. It doesn't hurt to share, because she influenced more than that one birth parent, IM SURE.  

I have been back and forth about my involvement in the adoption community. About the love and support, or lack of, in the adoption community where Im located. I have been on the burner of what I have shared, and what I want to continue to share.  And this amazing girls courage and words have influenced me a LOT. I don't have a clue what Im doing yet... but I am working on it.

That being said, here's my post for National Adoption  Month.

Adoption is amazing, and hard, and happy, and crappy, and the biggest blessing that came to my life. It has brought an onslaught of love, and a very small bit of negativity.  I have met the best of friends because of adoption, and have been able to see their stories unfold as my did, with faith, and love, and fight.  I have seen, from afar, the amazing thing that is a Hopeful adoptive couple, become Mom & Dad. I have missed, terribly, the small group of women that influenced me and my story for the first time in the adoption community.  I have cried for those who have waited... and waited ... and waited... for their miracle babies.  I have cried more for those who are STILL waiting.  How I wish I could find the families that belonged together.  How I wish I could be the "finder" of those birth families, to match with their adoptive families. 

I cry with those women, who have to decide what road to take. Place a child they love, or parent a child they love. To see SO MANY teenage girls pregnant, and naive, and not worried about a thing. And crying more, when these birth parents come and share the joy and pain of labor, birth, and the few days/day they spend with those gifts from above. Then to hear the pain of placing them into anthers arms, knowing how it hurts, but how right it is. 

Adoption isn't for everyone, but it sure was for me, and advocacy can be for everyone. 

I'll be posting, daily, and little blurb about some families that are waiting for their miracles.  I know I don't reach a whole amazing number of people.  I am not "fan" material(thank goodness), but maybe someone will see their profiles and share it with the one who is supposed to see it.

- Jena

Exploring McCall

After we chilled for a minute, we went "down town", it was the cutest ever!  

It was so fun just chillin and walking around. Looking through the tiny shops, the paint your own pottery store, the wine tasting party. I just was happy I was surrounded by these women. Because they changed me. They came into my life at a time I felt broken, and breaking. They lifted me and loved me in a way I'd never been, and it was sincere. They are AMAZING!!!!!

And what do amazing people do after they walk around for a bit?

And then you go eat, and play more, and go to the grocery store at 11, and laugh and play, and love each other so much you could scream.  It was so fun. The beds were super comfy, and the company was even better!!!!